I read an article today on self-compassion, and it really struck a nerve with me. I got to thinking about it, and I am SO hard on myself, "Comparing my every day life to XXX's highlight reel.", among other things. I am so quick to compare me to the pictures/posts I see, completely disregarding my uniqueness and value. I am me, not the person I am comparing myself to, and I am OK. So I weigh 233. That number is not who I am, it doesn't define me. I weigh 233. The number is neither good nor bad, it just is. This is where I am. I need to accept it and not judge myself by it.
As I was thinking about self-compassion, I got to thinking about MY weight loss journey. Overall, my diet is pretty healthy. I eat very little processed foods and am a ovo-lacto-pescetarian. I don't eat organic, and eat a LOT of soy. I love sugar.
My challenge lies in my lack of awareness. And I realized that it is not just not paying attention to what I put in my mouth, either. It goes much further than that.
I don't 'pay attention' to the challenges that are around me that will affect my efforts at weight loss. AND I look at my journey as 'hard', 'a struggle', 'a lot of effort'. and 'giving up what I love'. With an attitude like that, I am not surprised I am having issues. I need to stop judging myself for failed attempts: They showed me what didn't work. However, each attempt gave me something useful. I it is up to me to figure out what that is.
Losing weight is only as hard as I MAKE IT. I make it harder when I don't make a plan for the BF's offers of food. And when I don't make a plan for eating out. (Which we do frequently.) Or when I don't log all that I eat because I am too busy beating myself up for a slip-up. Or when I don't measure my food because it 'takes too much time.' The underlying issue here is lack of awareness, lack of attention to what I am doing. And I resent having to pay attention to what I am doing.
I feel that I am not worthy of the attention that will get me where I want to be. I want to wake up tomorrow and be thin, no effort/awareness involved. And I feel that I don't deserve the attention and awareness. And, ultimately, I don't want to face the feelings I have stuffed/eaten for years, or to give up the numbness. Because I let food become like a drug. And giving it up means facing my past.