Some Honesty About My Stuggles.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
The past two days have been hard for me; I've really struggled with "wanting" to exercise. Last night, I was SO close to avoiding it but I powered through and got it done. I can't tell you how happy I was once I was finished even though it was really hard and I had to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I was NOT feeling it but I pushed myself anyways.
However, at the end, despite how proud of myself I was, I started wondering what had gotten me so "anti" working out in the first place. What was it exactly, that had me unmotivated? After thinking about it last night and a little this morning, I'm both happy and sad to say that I've come up with a few things. First of all, I'm happy because I've found some triggers for bad habits. Secondly, I'm sad because it's just revealing how easily I can be discouraged by stupid things!
Anyways, here's my list. Do with it what you will; I hope I'm not the only one out there who has similar lists. And if nothing else, this one will help me to avoid similar situations in the future.
1. Sciatica. So, my sciatic nerve started hurting on Sunday and Monday but I ignored it. Tuesday, it was a lot more intense but I still didn't do what I'm supposed to do -- stretch a lot and start taking some ibuprofen at regular intervals. And of course, by yesterday, it was making me limp and avoid moving naturally. Bending, twisting, sitting... all out. So by the time it came to workout, I was using my pain as an excuse not to do it. Of course, one thing I've realized is that moving and getting my body warm usually helps the condition lessen, never mind the hot shower afterwards. Well, I worked out, took my hot shower, popped some ibuprofen and I'm happy to say that even though it still hut badly before bed, I feel much better today! Usually this can last a full week and at LEAST for a few days, so maybe Jillian helped me work out a kink or two. YES!
2. Bad eating habits. Yesterday and the day before the office break room has had a surplus of junk food and snacks. Luckily, a lot of the stuff doesn't tempt me too much, but unfortunately, a lot of it does! I didn't eat very well either day, munching on cookies and such. I kept it to a minimum but I still don't even want to KNOW how many calories I ate. This of course, led to me berating myself silently and that led directly to me feeling totally bummed out which equals discouraged and unmotivated. Sad to say, this isn't the first time this has happened and doubt it will be the last. I just have to keep up all of my hard work and really try not to get discouraged so easily. Like I said to another sparker, it's crucial to just get back on the horse and ride into the sunset. I've GOT to stay positive.
3. The past. So here's the tough one to admit to. As if physically stuffing my face isn't enough, the fact is that I think I sometimes feed my "down" feelings with more negativity. Yesterday, I fed my sadness by ruminating about people from my past. Here's the story...
Basically, I never had to struggle with my weight until I was about 25. At that point, I gained a lot of weight but as soon as I quit my restaurant job, I lost it all within 5 months. This time, it's been a couple of years and it became really easy for me to dwell on the fact that I'm in week six of my program and I haven't seen much difference in how my clothes fit or how I look in the mirror. I really WANT to see a difference but I can't. Then, I get an email about a girl I used to be friends with in high school. She was always bigger than me and kind of chunky, commenting regularly on how skinny I was. Late in high school, she decided to "dump" me as a friend because she was insecure around me and didn't like that I was skinny. After having been out of touch for 15 years, come to find out that she is really good friends with a new-ish friend and neighbor of mine. And what's worse is that she is in the process of losing weight. What a terrible thing to think! Isn't it great that she's trying to be healthy? Yes. So what's my problem?
Well, it's a good question and it all comes back to my past. When she called off our friendship, I was devastated. We'd been best friends for YEARS and I felt totally destroyed. So now I find out that she's got a great life, she has good friends (some of the same as mine), AND she's working on her health. Successfully. Now, I'd like to say that I've risen above all of my resentment for her, but OBVIOUSLY, even as an adult with lots of great things in my life, I'm still hurt by what she did to me. What's more is that because of our past, my jealousy for her success was not the same as what I feel for fellow Sparkers. When I see Sparkers reach goals, I feel envious in a way that motivates me. I'm so happy for them and happy at the prospect that I will and can get there some day too. But when I saw this woman's success, I was jealous in a BAD way. I felt bad because I want that success for ME and was jealous in a way that made me feel bad about myself.
It's a weird thing, envy, how it works, what causes it, what kind of effect it has on a person. And I guess I just have to chalk it up to another learning experience and yet ANOTHER chance for me to rise above my own emotional immaturity and negativity. I'm glad I worked out last night and I'm glad I had this "run in" with my past. It's all a slow process in which I need to learn to focus on ME in the here and now. Jillian says something like, "change is not a future state of being; it's a present state of being" and that's what I have to remember and focus on. Here and now will create a better future!