Thursday, December 20, 2012
I don't even know where to start with this blog. I am so disappointed in myself, and so ashamed. Today I ate almost 3000 calories of cookies. Yes, 3000. 32 chocolate cookies. The last couple days have been great in terms of eating and exercise. This morning, I woke up with the plan to make cookies (and to eat 1). I was going to bring them for my office, my advisor, and the kids I babysit. However, blizzard-esque snow conditions stranded me home, alone, with the cookie dough. I made three trays, and ate them ALL. I hate myself a little bit right now, but I am also just really sad. What have I done to my body? Over the course of 12 hours, I filled it with crap, and I barely feel it. It is almost like my body has desensitized itself to the junk (except for the weight I will gain). Why didn't I react to the sugar? Or the massive amount of calories? Shouldn't I be sick?
Ever since I completed the 8km race a month ago, all I've done is lay around. I've watched hundreds of hours of tv, and ate countless bags of chips. And now this. I feel like I can't change my life right now. Plus, its so hard being away from America for the holidays. My friends and I did Thanksgiving, a Hannukah celebration, and we will have a Christmas party, but its just not the same.
I know that part of this is the wintertime blues. I TRIED to be proactive in August. I bought a SAD lamp in America and used half of my suitcase space bringing it back to Turkey. It broke after a week, and no one could fix it. I thought I was going to beat this winter slump, but it has taken over.
I ate 3,000 calories of cookies today. I wasn't even hungry.
I'm sorry that my first blog is a while is so depressing, but I needed to get it out.