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I failed today

Thursday, December 20, 2012

I don't even know where to start with this blog. I am so disappointed in myself, and so ashamed. Today I ate almost 3000 calories of cookies. Yes, 3000. 32 chocolate cookies. The last couple days have been great in terms of eating and exercise. This morning, I woke up with the plan to make cookies (and to eat 1). I was going to bring them for my office, my advisor, and the kids I babysit. However, blizzard-esque snow conditions stranded me home, alone, with the cookie dough. I made three trays, and ate them ALL. I hate myself a little bit right now, but I am also just really sad. What have I done to my body? Over the course of 12 hours, I filled it with crap, and I barely feel it. It is almost like my body has desensitized itself to the junk (except for the weight I will gain). Why didn't I react to the sugar? Or the massive amount of calories? Shouldn't I be sick?

Ever since I completed the 8km race a month ago, all I've done is lay around. I've watched hundreds of hours of tv, and ate countless bags of chips. And now this. I feel like I can't change my life right now. Plus, its so hard being away from America for the holidays. My friends and I did Thanksgiving, a Hannukah celebration, and we will have a Christmas party, but its just not the same.

I know that part of this is the wintertime blues. I TRIED to be proactive in August. I bought a SAD lamp in America and used half of my suitcase space bringing it back to Turkey. It broke after a week, and no one could fix it. I thought I was going to beat this winter slump, but it has taken over.

I ate 3,000 calories of cookies today. I wasn't even hungry.

I'm sorry that my first blog is a while is so depressing, but I needed to get it out.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IYA_EKUNDAYO 12/31/2012 8:02PM

    Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all been where you are right now, and more than likely, it will not be a 1 time only visit, for us.
Look at it as a last "good-bye" to low
frequency vibes of 2012 and get up, brush yourself off
and start new for the New Year!
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RYDERB 12/31/2012 7:49PM

    emoticon
Have you seen Hungry for Change? If you haven't you should. I watched it last week and everything made sense. They compared the affect sugar has on our bodies to opium or heroin. I can't remember but who knew? emoticon


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DAWNWATERWOMAN 12/23/2012 7:41PM

    Glad that you took the time to "GET IT OUT" as you put it. I believe that most of us have had such an episode. I KNOW that I have. The best that you can do is "let it go" and try not to repeat it. Of course, there will be another time... it's the nature of compulsive overeaters.... but as long as you are aware and working on yourself, you'll do better each time. I'm proud of you for getting it out. I'm sorry about your lamp. I'm sorry that you're lonely. I hope pray that you'll feel better soon. Sending love your way..... emoticon

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SKINNIESOMEDAY 12/22/2012 9:41AM

    emoticon AWWWWW we hav all done this and it sounds like you are really going through a rough time and its just so darn easy to reward or comfort yourself with the food !! I do it with sadness and with stress a lot !! Don't beat yourself up over it... at least you know it.... you recognize it and you are trying to figure out how to stop it,.... and for the most part you have... just a slip or two... you must remember this is YEARS of bad habits and its very HARD to UNLEARN !!
Start back on your plan as soon as possible and the damage will be minimal !!

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JUST_BE1 12/22/2012 7:40AM

  We all have days like these. Take it as a learning experience. Have you been exercising? I find that it helps tremendously to help with SAD.

I like these to quotes:
"Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves"
"Take a deep breath, Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off and start all over again"

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ERW001 12/21/2012 9:47AM

    I'm right there with you! Healthy eating is so hard this time of year, especially if you are away from home. Don't dwell on it but learn from it. Today is a new day! emoticon

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SARASMILING 12/21/2012 6:00AM

    I don't know why we do these things!!! I can't stand it! I'm right there with you! WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS! We have to fight. We have to keep moving forward. We can do this!! emoticon

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JPGSMOM 12/20/2012 9:06PM

    I understand what you are feeling right now. I remember a day that I put down an entire large pizza all by myself. And I didn't even feel stuffed! I felt horrible about it. But after awhile I realized that it was a stumbling point that I had to make in order to move forward. If nothing else, it was a very clear reminder of my addiction to food, and ultimately that understanding alone is what ended up making my resolve stronger afterwards. Life happens... COOKIES happen! Self loathing does nothing good for us. I know it is hard right now, but try not to beat yourself up about this too much. Maybe try to see this as proof that you are human just like the rest of us. This is a hard journey filled with things to stumble on, but one worth making. Take care, and have a VERY happy holiday!
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BECKYANNE1 12/20/2012 8:22PM

    You over indulged! Put it in the past and move on. We all do it at some point. I'm sure
if you were to get up and start exercising again, or SAD would get a little better. I went thru an infection last year and then a diagnosis of Cancer. I walked. Alot! They more I felt depressed,, the more I walked. Little by little I started feeling better.

Good Luck! Hang in there! emoticon

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MS_PERCEPTION 12/20/2012 7:35PM

    I know how it feels to do that to yourself. You have made some good choices recently, so you know you CAN. Please don't stop believing in yourself and what you're capable of!
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JCARDINAL 12/20/2012 5:36PM

    Tomorrow will be a new day a new start! emoticon

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MANDYVANHOOK 12/20/2012 2:59PM

    Aww, the cookie monster in us comes out once in awhile, sometimes we just have to realize what is done is done and move on. Next time you feel him creeping up on you again, come back and read this blog! Hang in there!

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PAULABEANS 12/20/2012 2:42PM

    It's ok, we all struggle. Pick yourself up, & brush yourself off. Today is a new day. It's time for a blank canvas to work from.


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