Wednesday, December 19, 2012
so today, i feel like a flu. not that i have the flu. but i feel like ... yucky. and that i am contagious. and that everyone around me that gets near me gets my... yuckiness.
so today, i realized that i am sooo. yucky. i say this because it is that time of year. Christmas. and what is going on for Christmas is that i am realizing that instead of sinning by overeating, i am being deceitful about how i am spending the money!!!!! aaaaahhhhhh!!!
so my husband catches me red handed. and instead of being humble about it, i am soooo defensive. i am angry. i am prideful. and when i tell my story to my co-workers, i make my husband out to be this tyrant. when my husband had every right to be upset. because when the shopping is all said and done, we can pay our bills! or we can put it to other kids! it's not like i don't have 10 kids, 5 parents, and 4 sisters and brothers to shop for!
but i prayed for my husband to have a deeper spiritual relationship with God. i prayed for my children to all learn, know, and accept God as their Lord and Savior. i prayed for my co-workers to accept Christ as their savior. so how is this helping them? or me? how do i help or say i am doing my part, if i can't be a solid example? and how can i make it to heaven, if i keep saying to God: "i know it's wrong, but i got this God, i got this.." last week i was in a study, and a friend of mine confessed she said that to herself, and i remember so strongly that is exactly how i think and feel when talking to God...
and how can God bless that when i am trying to negotiate my will and my selfishness and my sin into acceptance??