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INSANE HEARTLANDERS


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I HAVE BEEN SAYING, EVER SINCE I MOVED TO THIS GOD AWFUL STATE, THAT PEOPLE HERE ARE MORE THAN A LITTLE NUTS. BUT TODAY, I DO BELIEVE I HAVE SEEN AND HEARD IT ALL.

IT STARTED LAST NIGHT WHEN THEY WARNED EVERYONE OF A "SEVERE WEATHER DAY" COMING FOR TODAY AND PART OF TOMORROW. 12-18 INCHES OF SNOW PREDICTED WITH 50 TO 60 MPH WINDS. I AM DOING MY HAPPY DANCE. YES! A WHITE CHRISTMAS! SNOW AT LAST! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR 19 YEARS AND THAT'S AS LONG AS I'VE LIVED HERE. THEY HAD ONE STORM IN 1997 THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD AND THE ENTIRE CITY TOTALLY SHUT DOWN FOR MORE THAN A WEEK AND THAT WAS IN OCTOBER! BUT THIS!

NOW, MY HUSBAND DOES HAVE CANCER AND DOESN'T EAT ENOUGH TO KEEP AN ANT ALIVE SO YES, HE IS ALWAYS COLD. NOW HE IS TERRIFIED THAT HE WILL FREEZE TO DEATH IN HIS SLEEP. I TRIED TO ASSURE HIM THAT WE HAVE 8 BLANKETS AND 2 DOWN FILLED COMFORTERS. HE ALSO HAS SEVERAL HOODED SWEATSHIRTS AND TONS OF SOCKS. HE WILL NOT FREEZE.

HE CALLED THIS MORNING FROM WORK. "TURN THE HEAT UP AS FAR AS IT WILL GO SO THE HOUSE WILL HOLD THE HEAT LONGER WHEN WE LOSE POWER. ( IF I DID THIS, I WOULD HAVE TO LAY OUT OF OUR BALCONY NAKED JUST TO SURVIVE.) CALL DOWNSTAIRS AND ASK IF THEY HAVE EMERGENCY GENERATORS AND CALL THE STORE AND ASK THEM TO DELIVER A BUNCH OF FOOD AND WATER." WHAT? IS HE NUTS? I TOLD HIM WE HAD ENOUGH FOOD IN THE HOUSE TO FEED A 3RD WORLD COUNTRY, AND I COULD FILL SEVERAL EMPTY JUGS WITH WATER AND WE WOULD BE JUST FINE.

"BUT WHAT WILL WE DO IF YOU CAN'T COOK THE FOOD? COOK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BETWEEN NOW AND THE STORM SO WE WILL HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT." AND THEN IT WILL ALL SPOIL SINCE I WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT IT IN TIME AND HE DOESN'T EAT UNLESS IT IS PUREED AND THEN NOT MUCH OF THAT. THEN, THINKING I WAS MAKING A JOKE, I ASKED HIM, "WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO FILL THE BATHTUB WITH WATER TOO SO WE CAN FLUSH THE TOILETS?" HE SAID, "OH MY GOD! I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT!
I CAN'T BE WITHOUT A TOILET. FILL THE TUB AND DO IT NOW." I HAD TO REMIND HIM THAT THE ONE BATHTUB WE HAVE DOES NOT HAVE A CLOSABLE DRAIN - THE STRAINER IS BUILT RIGHT INTO THE BASE OF THE TUB. YOU SHOWER IN THERE - NOT TAKE A BATH. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" THIS FROM THE MAN WHO BATHES ABOUT TWICE A YEAR WHETHER HE NEEDS IT OR NOT. "GO DOWNSTAIRS AND TALK TO MANAGEMENT AND FIND OUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING TO DO." OK. SO I DID!
I ALMOST HURT MYSELF LAUGHING.

THERE HAD TO BE 150 VERY UPSET PEOPLE MILLING AROUND THE POOR RECEPTIONIST DESK. "NO - THERE ARE NO EMERGENCY GENERATORS. NO, THE WATER WILL NOT GO OFF UNLESS THE ENTIRE CITY FREEZES OVER - THEN POSSIBLY; BUT NOT BEFORE THEN.

"CAN WE BARBECUE INSIDE OUR HOMES"? WE ARE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO BARBECUE ON OUR OWN DECKS AND PATIOS! IT'S A CITY FIRE ORDINANCE IN ALL BUILDINGS WITH MORE THAN 2 UNITS IN IT. SO NO ONE SHOULD HAVE A BARBECUE TO START WITH AND YOU NEVER START ONE IN THE HOUSE FOR GOODNESS SAKE! LITTLE OLD LADIES WERE WRINGING THEIR HANDS AND I FINALLY WENT INTO THE DINING ROOM AND CAME OUT WITH THE HAND HELD MICROPHONE. I STOOD ON THE DESK AND
WHISTLED INTO THE MIKE MAKING THEM ALL HOLD THEIR HANDS OVER THEIR HEARING AID CLAD EARS.

"HERE'S THE DEAL. #1. FILL SOME BOTTLES WITH WATER FOR DRINKING. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO REFRIGERATE THESE AS HAVING IT COLD WILL ONLY MAKE YOU FEEL COLDER THAN YOU ALREADY ARE. THE ENTIRE CITY WOULD HAVE TO FREEZE OVER BEFRE WE COULD NOT FLUSH OUR TOILETS. IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT PERISHABLE ITEMS IN YOUR FREEZER THAWING OUT, JUST DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER AFTER THE POWER GOES OUT. (IF IT GOES OUT) IF YOU HAVE MILK THAT YOU NEED TO DRINK OR MEDICATION THAT NEEDS REFRIGERATION, SHOVEL A TINY PORTION OFF YOUR BALCONY OR PATIO AND PILE THE SNOW RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR DOOR. IF THE POWER IS OUT FOR MORE THAN 6 HOURS, STICK THE MILK IN THE SNOW PILE NEXT TO THE DOOR AND IT WILL BE JUST FINE. OPEN THE DOOR A COUPLE INCHES AND REACH OUT AND GRAB IT WHEN YOU NEED SOME. IF IT IS STARTING TO FREEZE, BRING IT BACK IN THE HOUSE FOR A SHORT WHILE. THEN PUT IT BACK OUT THERE. DO NOT, I REPEAT NOT, LET YOUR MEDICATION FREEZE NOTHING WORKS BETTER THAN BODY HEAT. IF YOU HAVE A SPOUSE LIVING WITH YOU - SNUGGLE. TWO UNDER THAT BLANKET WILL BE A LOT WARMER THAN ONE. IF YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND IT, GO TO YOUR NEIGHBORS. THE MORE PEOPLE TOGETHER IN A ROOM, THE WARMER IT WILL BE. LAYER YOUR CLOTHING BUT DO NOT HAMPER YOUR WALKING SKILLS BY WEARING YOUR ENTIRE CLOSET. YOU CAN WEAR MORE THAN ONE PAIR OF SOCKS BUT NOT MORE THAN ONE PAIR OF SHOES." (NOT ONE LAUGH ON THAT ONE)

I LOOKED AROUND ME AND NOTICED THAT MANY PEOPLE, (INCLUDING THE MANAGER) WERE TAKING NOTES. "HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS STUFF" THEY ASKED ME. I JUST TOLD THEM I WAS FROM THE NORTH COUNTRY WHERE IT GETS REALLY COLD. I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I WAS WEARING SHORTS AND A TEE SHIRT WHILE GIVING THIS LECTURE. MOST OF THE REST OF THEM ALREADY HAD ON THEIR LONG UNDERWEAR AS WELL AS LONG SLEEVE SHIRTS AND SWEATERS. THESE PEOPLE ARE MY AGE! YES, SOME OF THEM ARE OLDER AND SOME (LIKE MY HUSBAND) ARE SICK. BUT GOD SAVE ME FROM THE REST OF THE IDIOTS IN THIS STATE THAT HAVEN'T A CLUE. BUT THEN, TAKE ME DOWN BY MY BFF IN LOUISIANA AND ASK ME TO RIDE OUT A HURRICANE AND I WOULD PROBABLY PEE MY PANTS.

ERIN



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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BEESPARKLE 3/1/2013 9:02PM

    oh you need to write a book girl and hope the good tooth fairy will pay for your
publishing and all.

Your a natural writer. That is your gift. Like my young son.

My young son wrote two books.

A fairy never came to publish it but word of mouth sold some of the books. Mommie

Dearest here spread the word to others and they bought ..

I am praying for a miracle that some one rich will be there like the program
Uncovered Boss. To really see his talent. He has given up. It is sad. He needs a miracle to get it published. He even started to bind his books. He has a family so
he also has a day job.

I have my sons first book here at home.His brother has the second book. Both of us bought them from him. I did not want him to give me the book just because I am his Mom . Nor his brother. Sister bought one also I believe.

Honest every page was a Hoot. I thought time I got to the third chapter I might have to

go out and buy Depends just laughing way too hard like I am with your story here.

So keep writing in here. Write, write, It is your gift.

Look how that one lady who wrote all those wired books( Potter) Sat and wrote on a dried out tea bags as it came in to her head. . And a old gentlemen gave her the money and she is a billionaire now. I am not into witch craft fantasy but others made her a billionaire.

Where there is a God. There can be a miracle. So dont stop writing.

It is therapeutic they say. And some who come to read your blogs. Just may need it.
for the day to bring their spirits up.

I tell you. I wont think I have any big problems with my body as far as heart what you have been through.

Your a walking miracle of Inspiration to others.

I think I have read atlest fouur of your blogs tonight.

Sure been interesting.

Like I mentioned in your first blog with you and the fun game. I said you sure are a


interesting gal. Now I see why.

Been reading on down to your list of enteries.





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BARB4HEALTH 1/4/2013 9:17PM

    Don't know what North country you came from or what part of the Heartland you live in, but this is absolutely Laugh Out Loud funny! Thanks for sharing. emoticon

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RAINBOW_LADY 12/23/2012 3:55AM

  I guess I'm 'lucky' to live here in southern England where we just don't get such extreme weather!
emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/23/2012 4:09:49 AM

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JILL313 12/19/2012 11:23PM

    Erin, Thank you so much for giving me the best and only laugh I've had today. You are so funny and a dear character. What state do these "idiots" and you Live in now? It's cold here, for us in CA, but only in the 30s at night. I can't imagine there being such a panic and just hope you've all survive the severe storm coming. Love you and your humor. You go girl.

Hugs & Love,

Jill

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KADYSMOM11 12/19/2012 10:59PM

    Hahahaha! you are so funny and your husband...Haha emoticon

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IOWAGRAMMA 12/19/2012 10:48PM

    emoticon emoticon

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SPEEDY143 12/19/2012 10:27PM

    emoticon love your sense of humor... and I don't doubt that that didn't take place. Sound advice and good plan Sparkfriend!!! emoticon

*whispers* What ever you do don't tell them the world is going to end this Friday emoticon Just kidding... we all know that's NOT going to happen emoticon

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MILLISMA 12/19/2012 7:02PM

    HI ERIN,

I HAVE TO AGREE...I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS FROM LAUGHING WHILE READING THIS. GROWING UP IN MAINE AND LIVING IN MA FOR 21 YEARS, I AM PRETTY USE TO SNOW STORMS. NOW LIVING IN PA, I HAVE ALSO LIVED THROUGH SEVERAL HURRICANES (EVEN WHEN WE LIVED IN MA). IT ALWAYS AMAZED ME THE AMOUNT OF GROCERIES PEOPLE WOULD BUY WHEN A STORM WAS ON THE WAY AND MOST OF IT PERISHABLE!!!! IF THERE'S ANY EMPTY SPACES IN MY FREEZER, I FILLED THEM WITH BOTTLES OF WATER THAT WILL FREEZE AND ACT LIKE A COOLER.

THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!!! KEEP YOUR SANITY SINCE I THINK YOUR NEIGHBORS MAY NEED YOU. LOL

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BELDONDOG1 12/19/2012 6:39PM

    Okay, JST4NOW, I know that you said that you said Erin was keeping her sanity with tongue in cheek. You got to know that she has been so far past sane for so long! lol

Erin, this to me, has been one of your best blogs. You said you would pee yourself to be in a hurricane--I almost peed myself reading this "Erincane"! You are nuts, girl!
I needed a good laugh and you certainly gave me one. I felt like I was in the crowd of people to whom you were speaking, except that I don't think they thought it was as funny as I did--poor things.

I really need to get out of my funk and you are certainly helping me!! Thank you so much for sharing this post--I loved it!! (hugs) Noel

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JST4NOW 12/19/2012 6:01PM

  some days are better than others, but it sounds like you are keeping your sanity. I'll send good thoughts to your poor husband, who sounds like he's scared to death of having to cope more. You are a rock for him. Oh, and if you are going to sprawl naked on the balcony because you can't stand the 120 degree heat in the house, maybe you should tweet first so that your neighbors can cheer you on. It will take their minds of their panic. emoticon

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