Tuesday, December 18, 2012
This photo was taken yesterday. I usually refuse to put a photo of myself up because I am so much bigger than I ever wanted to be. I decided if I put it out there in a "safe" place where I won't be judged because everyone looking at it has either been there/is there or understands. So here it is...
The lovely guy in the picture with me is my cousin Brandon. He is 5-6 years younger than me. He is hard core into fitness. I love him to death! We are closer than any of my other cousins.
Anyway, I look at that photo, and I just see me being three times his size. I am really just so sick of seeing photos of myself knowing that I did this to myself! I have to go out in public and risk seeing people I knew when I was 110 lbs when I graduated high school. That is honestly my biggest daily fear. I try to avoid them if I see them first. If I accidentally make eye contact and can't just nod or wave and I am forced into a conversation I really don't hear what they are saying, I am too busy wondering what they are thinking. Are they thinking, "Gah, she got fat!", or "What happened to her?" I know that when I get smaller and healthier the mental aspect of it will get easier, but it is a major obstacle that I battle each time I walk out of my front door.
I just wanted to get all of that out.