Tuesday, December 18, 2012
This week has been quite a struggle. Remember how I said there was a really fit guy on Facebook helping me with my fitness? Well, Friday morning he posted something making fun of fat people. He actually has a photo album on Facebook of random fat people he took pictures of. I was aware it existed from the beginning and I almost defriended him when I saw it months ago, but it is just so completely out of character for him that like my brain is still having a hard time accepting it. But when he made that comment I got mad. I confronted him and he said he admitted he had no excuse, admitted he was bigoted against fat people because of his own fears and hangups. We talked and worked it out a bit, but my mood really took a downturn. Then we discover this horrible shooting in CT, which was immediately followed my more political bickering. Ugh. It was just too much negativity. I blocked a whole bunch of people on Facebook because I just can't deal with it anymore.
As far as Fitness Guy, I will say one positive. It was not self-consciousness about my weight that made me feel so bad, because I finally, genuinely have accepted my body - it was a sense of betrayal by a friend. But when I confronted him I had the presence of mind to say, ''Okay, this is your problem, not mine.'' And mean it. I made him promise to be open-minded to the idea that losing weight isn't as simple as he thinks, and in return I'd be open-minded to the idea that I have more control over it than I think I do. This is our deal. Maybe it will be good for him to work so closely with an actual fat person, and hopefully I'll pick up some of his healthier habits and ways of thought. Ya'll probably think I'm nuts for sticking with him after that, but I've known him since 4th grade and we've always had a mental connection despite our differences.
Anyways, depression depression depression, more depression. I think I'm starting to work my way out of it. Work has frustrated me lately because I have a really hard time staying on task when I work from home. I waste way too much time. Arghgh. I'm working on three different grants right now and trying to get them out by Friday, because then we're going on Christmas Vacation, home to Michigan (first stop Illinois.)
And I'm really excited to see my relatives, but I'm just not in the mood to travel lately. I have so little time to prepare between then and now.
My Bodhi tree arrived in the mail yesterday. He's still a tiny little fella. I needed a place to put him where the cat wouldn't eat him, so I was finally motivated to create my meditation room today. I set up my altar and my lucky bamboo and my bodhi tree (it's a ficus religiosa, really hard to get around here and I really want it to live.) Now I have a special place to go and meditate. I put a comforter down on the ground with a pillow and was just laying on my back for a while, and out my window I could actually see the sky, the way the clouds rolled on and the birds flew by. It's been a long time since I've really seen the sky.
With all this moving around and stuff today, I had very little difficulty, no pain, so Fitness Guy does seem to know what he's doing. I am continuing to do his assignments every day. Today I learned Tabata - 8 rounds of vigorous exercise, 20 seconds of work followed by 10 seconds of rest. It's exhausting. I had four different exercises to do so I did a total of 48 rounds in 16 minutes and omgggg.
I slipped for two days tracking what I ate - and you may recall this is my only hard and fast rule right now. I am back on track with tracking though. I weighed myself today and I lost a pound this week, which is no small feat considering I attended a Thanksgiving 2: Gluttony Day feast at our friends' house on Saturday. Since I'm focusing on not gaining more weight, this is good.
I'm just trying to be present and open to what's going on with me, pleasant or unpleasant. This has helped me a lot in the last few days.