Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Itís been well over a year since I blogged last. So many changes, good and bad, have impacted my life in general. Letís go back and catch everyone up over the past 18 months (insert dreamy time portal).
Itís May of 2011 and Iíve just finished running my marathon and Iím feeling pretty good. Iím taking the time off to rest my body and dwell. Itís during this time that I decide to leave my wife of 18+ years. Weíve been miserable for years, but kept trudging along. I finally could no longer stand the pain of staying and decided to move out. This was a great trauma to us all, DD very much. I lived with my brother for several months while I Ďfigured thingsí out. My wife and I did some counseling and had a great many talks, but in the end I decided that we werenít meant to be. Last November I informed her that I wanted out permanently and Iíd hoped we could work out a dissolution. That dream died this past summer and she filed for divorce. This long, drawn out process is looking to end soon and my life can return to normal, hopefully. Some of you used to be friends with her here, but she cancelled her account and didnít want anything to do with me or here. Iíve nothing bad to say about her and wish her the best in whatever she does. Iím sorry that we let it get to this point or we lived miserable as long as we did.
During this time, last September, was the Air Force race that my previous blog discussed. Needless to say that lack of training hurt me for more than just a crappy race. Not long after the race my left foot started bothering me. It was a searing pain on the outside of the foot that made walking even painful. I did see a podiatrist and he said it was a nerve issue and that I should get fitted and all new shoes. Easier said than done where youíre trying to pick up the pieces of a poorly budgeted family (another issue in the marriage). I do buy some new shoes but pain sticks around. I remedy this by making excuses and sitting around letting it Ďheal.í During this time I had to give up my gym membership as well because I needed the monthly cash for bills, so now Iím getting zero exercise. Gain weight.
Shortly there after ex-to-be and DD are moving out of our house into a new house. Iíll be moving back into our family dwelling and taking care of everything, alone. Add more stress and boredomÖmore eating. Currently the house has been on the market for 12 months and Iím working with my first contract. Itíll end up being a short sale if I can get the bank to agree. Itís not ideal, but Iíve fought tooth and nail to keep it out of foreclosure. Iíve borrowed money to pay bills, sold things, worked OT, but I canít keep going. Itís a lovely house and if this deal goes through the people will be getting a steal on it. Being single and taking care of 2,200 sq ft alone is not easy, especially if youíve got a house showing to put on or a yard that needs mowed as well. Iím ready to put this part of my life behind me and move forward.
My relationship with DD has had itís peaks and valleys as well. After her initial down, she realized that Iím a different person without her momís influence around me. Iím much more calm (thanks to a great counselor helping me) and fun loving. We rode that high for some time until her mom found out that I was going to move on and start dating. DD didnít like the idea (ex-2-b even less), but I never brought her into that part of my life. Adult time was adult time, dad and daughter time was just that. She slowly relearned that I was still there for her just like it had been.
During all of this time my weight has skyrocketed up. I can blame anything, everything, something, but truthfully, I control ME and Iíve done a poor job. Iíve been continuing to work with my endocrinologist about my Vitamin D deficiency; still out of control. Sheís concerned for my weight and wants to try different meds off label, but I keep fighting it off. Iím just looking, waiting for the right push which hasnít come until recently. Iíve been hinting about a plan and something big happening, but that will have to wait for another blogÖsoon.
So, this has been my life and my reason for lack of Sparkiness. Iíve been a good friend to many of you, but Iíve not been very good to myself. I used to be a very controlling, planning type person. All of this has taught me that I cannot control every situationÖI can only control how I react to it.