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    ROCKCHALKSPARK   20,083
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What's up, Doc?

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Hey ya'll.
I've had all sorts of doctors appointments lately. A couple weeks ago it was the cardiologist, and this week it was a fertility specialist. It's something the hubs and I have been struggling with for a couple years now, and my OB just happened to retire, so I needed to find someone else.

It was quite the revelation for me, to be honest.
This particular doctor is really into holistic methods, but she's not afraid to prescribe medication, either. Which I like.
She stopped for us to take deep breaths like 10 times. I thought it was weird at first, but after a while, I thought, "Man, I wish every doctor did that." Like instead of leaving with your blood pressure even HIGHER, you leave feeling relaxed.
What a thought.

Anyway, even though she's a fertility specialist, we got on the topic of depression. I had just so happened to bring my backup (aka, mom & sis) and they were the first to ask her about it.
I certainly haven't been my happy-go-lucky self as of late.
I've always had a sarcastic, ironic, mildly irritated side, but I do that more to make people laugh than anything. Lately (as in the last year or so) it's gotten quite out of hand.
It's hard for me to attribute my negativity to anxiety or depression. I've always been an anxious person - get things done RIGHT AWAY, freak out when things go wrong or change - but I've never been on a medication for it. I've always considered it, but I'm not a fan of taking prescriptions, so I felt like I needed to buck up and get over it.

Turns out that doesn't work.
Like, ever.

I still don't consider my sour mood *depression* per say. I mean, I'm depressed a lot, because infertility sucks hardcore, and gaining weight sucks, having PCOS sucks, and surgeries suck - but, again, I always just tell myself to shut up because there are people out there that have it a lot worse.

And there are.
Which is especially true considering the week's past events.

But it's hard to ignore after a while.
And I'm sure my family is tired of hearing my griping and moaning about every little thing.

So when she suggested that I start on a depression/anxiety medication, I had to hold back tears...because it was such a *relief* to know that someone just wanted to help.

Tie that in with her asking me "so how much weight would you say you've gained" question and the tear-duct dam was literally quivering.

"About 10 pounds" I answered.
That's a total lie.
I mean, since 2010, I've gained 25.
Ouch.
That hurts to even type.

I was down to my lowest weight of 125, and now, after a series of unfortunate events, I let myself climb even higher on the scale than I've ever been.

It's sad, really. Knowing how disappointed in myself I am.
We all make mistakes.
We all give in to weaknesses.
But back when I was on the SparkWagon, I told myself "never."
Never would I let myself back into old habits.
Never would I skip a workout.
Never would I let myself be *unhappy*.

And somehow all of it happened.

You guys have seen it firsthand. I get excited one day about getting back on track and then a week later something happens, or I have a bad day and it's all down the toilet.

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm at a loss.
I'm miserable in my own skin. My clothes suffocate me. I feel ugly.
It's embarrassing and irritating all at the same time.

Health is not a question of "when," but of "how."

How do I start? How do I keep going? How do I resist temptations? How do I not let me get into my own head? How do I quit negative self-talk? How do I GET THERE?!

There's no one simple answer. So I'm just going to start slow. Hopefully this medication will aide in the process and I can stay motivated. But I'm not relying on that. I hate even taking it, but I feel like it's something I need to do.

SO, like the thousand times before, I'm getting back on track.
I'm not going to fill my body with garbage.
I'm going to exercise.
I'm going to sleep well.
I'm going to treat my body like a temple.

And this time - it has to work. It's going to work.
You know when they say "rock bottom?"
That was me yesterday.
emoticon
-Mal
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOKKERNUT 12/19/2012 2:00PM

    Hey doll,
First are you from Texas? Only people I know who actually say Ya'll and actually write it too! emoticon
Second, sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I have been having medical issues since 2008 to date (but other things, etc.) not anything you are going through.
Third, I have gained like 20-25 lbs myself been in a rut the since October! I am hoping things slow down at work and then i can actually start taking care of myself.

Fourth, emoticon Stay the course.

Happy Hump Day doll.
Here's a BIG emoticon for ya.

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LADYBUG546 12/19/2012 9:02AM

    You can do it.

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SEATTLESIMS 12/18/2012 2:17PM

    Good for you for facing your situation and acknowledging where you are and where you need/want to go. Hope your new doctor works out for you and you find the right regime that works!
Hang in there! you can do it!

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NATPLUMMER 12/18/2012 1:22PM

    emoticon

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BAKER1009 12/18/2012 12:32PM

    Mal,
I can totally, 100% relate, to the depression and medication issue. However, I am glad that your doctor suggested it and that you are at least giving it a shot. I had to give in years ago to taking something for my depression. It helped. I am glad I did it. And it doesn't have to be permanent. I was on it for about 2 years. When I became pregnant with my youngest, I weaned myself off and have not had to go back on it. So I'm just glad that you have opened your mind to it.
I have two friends on here who struggle with PCOS and fertility. One just celebrated her youngest sons first birthday. The other is currently pregnant. So I cannot speak first hand about PCOS and fertility, but watching them go through it, just know your time will come, I just know it Mal!!

Know that even though I cannot directly relate with everything you are going through, there is plenty I can relate to. And I will always be here for you!! Glad to see you went to Yoga this morning. Good for you!! Keep it up girl, I'm here for you!!

emoticon emoticon
Beth

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SMARTIN77 12/18/2012 12:27PM

    Hi Mal~ I totally understand your feelings. I was diagnosed w/ PCOS years ago and battled infertility for our 13 yr. marriage. My husband is supportive, but the weight gain, depression, mood swings, and hormonal imbalance can drive you crazy. Thanks for sharing your heart and your feelings. Continue to reach out, build up a strong support system, and keep the faith. You are not a failure because you gained 25 pounds and you're worth far more than the number on the scale. From another cyster.....

P.S. Your doctor sounds AWESOME! I would love to find a dr. like that. Sticking w/ conventional drs. because we have insurance right now and I needed to get lots of tests done (incl. cardio). But I'm striving to get healthy w/ alternative medicine and healthy choices, too. Stay strong, Mal.
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