I've had all sorts of doctors appointments lately. A couple weeks ago it was the cardiologist, and this week it was a fertility specialist. It's something the hubs and I have been struggling with for a couple years now, and my OB just happened to retire, so I needed to find someone else.
It was quite the revelation for me, to be honest.
This particular doctor is really into holistic methods, but she's not afraid to prescribe medication, either. Which I like.
She stopped for us to take deep breaths like 10 times. I thought it was weird at first, but after a while, I thought, "Man, I wish every doctor did that." Like instead of leaving with your blood pressure even HIGHER, you leave feeling relaxed.
What a thought.
Anyway, even though she's a fertility specialist, we got on the topic of depression. I had just so happened to bring my backup (aka, mom & sis) and they were the first to ask her about it.
I certainly haven't been my happy-go-lucky self as of late.
I've always had a sarcastic, ironic, mildly irritated side, but I do that more to make people laugh than anything. Lately (as in the last year or so) it's gotten quite out of hand.
It's hard for me to attribute my negativity to anxiety or depression. I've always been an anxious person - get things done RIGHT AWAY, freak out when things go wrong or change - but I've never been on a medication for it. I've always considered it, but I'm not a fan of taking prescriptions, so I felt like I needed to buck up and get over it.
Turns out that doesn't work.
I still don't consider my sour mood *depression* per say. I mean, I'm depressed a lot, because infertility sucks hardcore, and gaining weight sucks, having PCOS sucks, and surgeries suck - but, again, I always just tell myself to shut up because there are people out there that have it a lot worse.
And there are.
Which is especially true considering the week's past events.
But it's hard to ignore after a while.
And I'm sure my family is tired of hearing my griping and moaning about every little thing.
So when she suggested that I start on a depression/anxiety medication, I had to hold back tears...because it was such a *relief* to know that someone just wanted to help.
Tie that in with her asking me "so how much weight would you say you've gained" question and the tear-duct dam was literally quivering.
"About 10 pounds" I answered.
That's a total lie.
I mean, since 2010, I've gained 25.
That hurts to even type.
I was down to my lowest weight of 125, and now, after a series of unfortunate events, I let myself climb even higher on the scale than I've ever been.
It's sad, really. Knowing how disappointed in myself I am.
We all make mistakes.
We all give in to weaknesses.
But back when I was on the SparkWagon, I told myself "never."
Never would I let myself back into old habits.
Never would I skip a workout.
Never would I let myself be *unhappy*.
And somehow all of it happened.
You guys have seen it firsthand. I get excited one day about getting back on track and then a week later something happens, or I have a bad day and it's all down the toilet.
I don't know what to do at this point. I'm at a loss.
I'm miserable in my own skin. My clothes suffocate me. I feel ugly.
It's embarrassing and irritating all at the same time.
Health is not a question of "when," but of "how."
How do I start? How do I keep going? How do I resist temptations? How do I not let me get into my own head? How do I quit negative self-talk? How do I GET THERE?!
There's no one simple answer. So I'm just going to start slow. Hopefully this medication will aide in the process and I can stay motivated. But I'm not relying on that. I hate even taking it, but I feel like it's something I need to do.
SO, like the thousand times before, I'm getting back on track.
I'm not going to fill my body with garbage.
I'm going to exercise.
I'm going to sleep well.
I'm going to treat my body like a temple.
And this time - it has to work. It's going to work.
You know when they say "rock bottom?"
That was me yesterday.