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Sneaky Fears

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

For the most part, I'm in a really good place right now. I picture myself wrapped up in a warm cocoon that I don't want to leave. All my chicks are home from college, DH is happy, I'm on vacation through the end of the year, my dad is happy & stable in his asst'd living apt, no drama from my brothers, sister and/or inlaws emoticon

I'm following my eating/drinking plan for the most part, walking a bit and reading/commenting on SP every day. Pounds are coming off one by one. emoticon but I'm not obsessing. emoticon

So what's the rub??? I have this sneaky fear in the pit of my stomach emoticon (WHY is it ALWAYS MY STOMACH???!) Like things are going too good and something bad will happen to pop my bubble of serenity. emoticon

I don't want to pay my bills cuz I don't want to think about worrysome things. I don't want to watch the news cuz I can't wrap my mind around all the tragedy and horrible things happening now. I don't want to call my cousins to console them about my favorite aunt's passing......

Usually I am the 'go-to' / 'fix it' person in my family and circle of friends. I know I will get back to that role at some point soon, but for right now, I just want to 'BE'. I want to know how my friends on SP are doing (both good and not so good). I guess it's my way of processing the changes in my body and life. I can relate to what everyone here is going thru. I SOOOO APPRECIATE everyone's comments, posts and blogs!!!!!

My family and others say 'You look good!' and then go on their merry way (as they should). But I am the one living this new lifestyle moment by moment. Planning healthy foods, making sure I'm eating/drinking on time and getting my meds, vitamins and supplements. Making time for activities. Making sure I don't eat too fast or too much. It is a full time job for me right now-

The results are surprising me and are boggling my mind a bit. emoticon I haven't seen the scale stop at these numbers for at least 20 years.! emoticon Last weekend, I took my middle daughter to Kohl's to get jeans for Christmas. I tried on a pair of gray sparkly Jennifer Lopez jeans size 20. I fully expected them to be too small as I was a skin-tight 24 not so long ago. THEY WERE BAGGY!! emoticon

I then tried on a pair of size 20 Lee Riders (my fav!). Still too big. Ok, really??? Then I put on a size 18w and they FIT LIKE A GLOVE!!! Since my Chic size 24's were bagging off my rear, I decided to get them.

My eyes see my new body, but my mind isn't there yet! I keep catching my reflection in windows and mirrors but can't quite accept that it's me. emoticon

I'm just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    There is so much to process with the body changes we are making. I was in the mall shopping for gifts a couple of weeks ago and was shocked that I could actually buy things for me at any shop - even bought a sweater at Forever 21 and I know I am not their target audience. I'm having a seriously difficult time adjusting my body image - several friends said they did not recognize me. Yesterday DH was telling me that his swim team had new female members and that they were really big (as in tall and muscular) and they they must weigh over 190 pounds (DH is 5'8" and thin). I realized then that as of my weigh in yesterday I was under 190 pounds for the first time in years.
    You know all the changes and healing you are doing - your family can't possibly appreciate it Keep going and growing!.
    1885 days ago
  • CHYNNA81
    Hi Patty glad to know you are embracing your new lifestyle...Don't be shy when looking in the and love the new you...I know I do... emoticon
    1887 days ago
    That is so wonderful that you are getting some non-scale victories! I hope to wear smaller clothes come spring!
    1888 days ago
    Merry Merry Christmas to you too....this blog is a Christmas present for me because of your great success so far....your mind will catch up soon enough and then you may just go on to lose some more....the decision is yours to make and keep....or not....what ever you choose the choice is yours.....There is nothing wrong with wanting to hide from ugly grief and bad news that troubles our spirits and souls....just go with the flow of where your heart is leading you... you will be back to worrying and carrying on with the full load of bringing comfort and joy to the hurting once again. emoticon emoticon
    1888 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon ...just keep enjoying the new you!!

    emoticon emoticon
    1888 days ago
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