Monday, December 17, 2012
I need some kindling for my Spark
My Spark, like many others, has come and go lately. I did so well when I was losingÖ and I did lose. Iíve lost almost or around 100# depending on just how fat I used to be (I honestly donít know if I ever got to 300, but I know I was close).
So now after losing all of that, youíd think that Iíd feel amazing. And most days I do. Other days though that sneaky inner fat girl voice likes to come out and tell me that Iím worthless or that I look horrible in that top, or that person over there is staring at you for a negative reason. Usually I just tell her to STFU, but sometimes she sneaks in.
Lately I canít get her to shut up. I think itís partly stress from nearing the end of my PhD, trying to find a job when all I hear about is everyone who is over-educated and unemployable, family pressures, and just the holiday season in general Ė but sheís gotten a lot louder.
On the 11th I had my brachioplasty revision. I had some stressful stuff happen in the month beforehand with my family and my grandmother, then I threw a party where I felt like NO ONE helped, and then I spent four days with my mother. I didnít include this in my last blog, but my mom ended up getting mad at me for being ungrateful or whatever set her off this time Ė then she stopped talking to me, cleaned up, changed the sheets, packed up her truck, and just left in the middle of the evening. She canít see well at night and her meds make her a dangerous driver after dark. Did that stop her? Could I change her mind? Nope. And she didnít talk to me until today.
So add in surgery stress and pain and narcotic medication = my diet went off the deep end. Hardcore off the deep end. Iím still getting over the after effects of being on narcotic pain killers *if you know what I mean, so I know Iím carrying extra weight. The swelling isnít so bad right now, so I donít think I have a water weight gain. But regardless I am avoiding my scale until Friday at the earliest. I just donít want to know what my week of depression and pain did.
Now I need my Spark. Iím still a little mopey and I fully admit that. I STILL feel like crap from the surgery. I still am finding excuses to eat junk. I usually start out my day saying I am going to eat the soup I have in the kitchen, or the chicken cesear salad I boughtÖ and then I donít. Then I eat toasted ravioli because that is St. Louis comfort food and follow it up with a bowl of slow churned ice cream. Which is perfect for me since Iím lactose intolerant :-/ -- cue still recovering from narcotics as my excuse Ė nothing is moving :-/
I went to see my plastic surgeon today because Iím starting to feel sick and my incisions still hurt. He said theyíre fine. Theyíre better than fine. He offered me antibiotics but I declined. I just donít want to become too resistant in case I actually need them. Until then I just need to quit b*tching and get some rest.
So why do I feel like crap? Iím trying to figure out if what Iím doing is making me feel badÖ The short answer is YES. I am the reason I feel like crap. Iím eating crap, I feel like crap. Whoída thunk? Am I eating fried foods? Dairy? Caffeinated beverages? Not drinking enough water? Stuffing my face full of sugar? Answer = YES to all of the above. No wonder I feel like sh*t.
I had a great Spark going into my surgery week. Now I just need to recover. My short plan for this is to:
a) Get my diet in order. This means more freggies, more water, NO fried food period. Also, quit it with the sugar. I definitely notice a change in the way I feel after sugar (as I write this Iím rethinking the licorice I have with my diet cocoa right now)
b) Up my water intake. What happened to the person who drank 3L+ a day? She started drinking diet soda again and backslid into carbonated hell.
c) Stop it with the caffeine already! I was off caffeine for almost a year. ThenÖ yeaÖ I allowed it a littleÖ then a little moreÖ then I needed it moreÖ and now waking up is like punching myself in the face with a brick. I used to be able to pop out of bed and wake up without a problem. Today I woke up with a headache, hit snooze six times, and then had no time for breakfast and ended up eating McDonalds. Not good. No Caffeine!
d) Start doing SOMETHING fitness related. My arms are not an excuse. I know I canít use them for about a month or so now so I donít stretch out my new scarsÖ but I have abs, and legs, and glutes that can all get a workout and I can get moving. Anything is better than nothing right? Iím going to start with my stationary bike and watch some Netflix. It worked when I was 250#, so it will still work now.
e) Get back to Sparking. Last time I had my surgery I avoided Spark because I hated how inactive I had to be. But that was three months ago when I was doing 4-5 5ks a week on my treadmill plus strength training. Needless to say, I havenít gotten back to that. I NEED to. Sparking seems to help.
So thatís it. I know I have a Spark in me somewhere. I just need to find some kindling Ė something small to get me going again.
And of course its Christmas time. Luckily for me I donít have to move any furniture or help with the heavy duty cleaning of my parents house because of my arm surgery *this is awesome, Iím usually the slave labor out of all of my sisters. But my parents are having a massive Christmas party on the 23rd. They decided to move to Kentucky near the Lake and retire with a boat and some goats. *not joking! So this is their last Christmas (and mine) in the only house I have ever known them living in. They built it when my mom was pregnant Ė and now 28 years later are getting ready to move to the middle of no where Kentucky.
So now with this giant party, I know Iím going to see a lot of people whom I havenít seen in a few months to a few years. So thereís going to be a lot of *you look amazing, or *holy crap! Right now I donít feel like I deserve it, but I just need to remind myself this may have been the seventh time I have fallen down on my journey, but Iím going to get up again for the eighth time and keep moving. Plus TJ is meeting my entire family *eep and possibly spending Christmas with usÖ and then Iím meeting TJs momÖ so thereís that whole ball of stress induced anxiety. I just know that this is a temporary feelingÖ I need to get my endorphins back and to do that I need some exercise. So for now, Iím going to stop blogging Ė two massive ones in one day (!) and put the roast in the oven for dinner. Then shimmy back here to my office for some Sons of Anarchy on Netflix and my stationary bike. Combined those should be enough to make me feel like Iím moving in the right direction a little closer to a Spark and less of an ember.