Monday, December 17, 2012
I joined SparkPeople earlier this year because I wanted to be fit and to lose weight. And I quit. I seem to be good at doing that. I get motivated and do well for a month or so, then I give up. I can usually find someone or something to point my finger at as to why I quit. I get bored, it is too much effort, the BF keeps offering me food I don't want or need, the list goes on. What it boils down to is that I quit. And I beat myself up about for months afterwards.
I get inspired by people who lose weight, or by seeing pictures of what I don't want to be, and I start again, usually 2-3 times a year. I joined WW once and lost 78 pounds. And quit. This is a pattern for me, and I decided to see a therapist about it. I feel that part of my quitting is due to not wanting to attract attention. With my history of abuse, being invisible was a good thing, and I was very good at it. Now, I am learning that it is OK to have needs, and to let others know what they are. And it is SO scary! I have been ultra-responsible my whole life and very much a perfectionist. I have also been very self-sufficient, so admitting I need help with something is not done.
I want to do this. I weighed this morning, and am 233.4. Only once in my life have I weighed more than that. I don't like it. I don't like how I feel, I don't like how I look, and I don't like the little comments the BF makes about my size. I was not meant to be this large, and I know it. I want to change. And I point my fingers at the BF, my limited income, my disability, the lack of room in my house, ad nauseum, as to why I can't.
What it all boils down to is that, for my health and my self-esteem, I have to admit that I am fat. Not overweight, not obese, FAT. And for all my finger-pointing, I am responsible for it. If this condition is going to change, I have to do something about it. (I have been trying to avoid that.) Not when the conditions are right, because I can always find an excuse to quit. I need to be present to my life and accept that I am responsible not only for where I am right now, but also for the inspiration needed to get to where I want to be.
If I am going to change, I need to to do something different, I need to plan for eating out. I need to log my food, even when I don't feel like it. I need to find an exercise I can do regardless of the room I have or the weather. I need to measure ALL my food, not just part of it. AND I need to be honest about what I eat. I am only hurting myself when I 'lie'. And I think most importantly, I need to admit that I can't do this alone. I need help.