My Gift(s) To Me
This year is a really extra rough year $$ wise. But I am NOT complaining! We have jobs, a home, food, heat, running vehicles and many other material blessings. It is not easy right now but we are doing it & we don't have it nearly as rough as many people do.
Plus I was just blessed with a new puppy that I have wanted for many many yrs. now - a Boston Terrier Juliet who is 11 weeks old now (I've had her 2 weeks). My other fur child is a Mini Schnauzer - 9 month old Romeo. Yep, I am a cheese ball ;)
As I walk around the stores running errands & such I do see many items that would be nice to have but none I am in need of & truthfully none I REALLY REALLY want badly!
There is ONE thing I DO want & I want it BADLY!!!!!!!!!! A clean & organized home PLUS a do-able work/life schedule.
I use to keep a really nice, clean (not stuck up clean lol) organized home.
I was a HAPPY work alcoholic! Yes, you can be a work alcoholic & still be happy and functional ;)
I got up at 5 AM so that I could go swim a mile at the YMCA before I started my job, made home cooked meals, kept a nice home and yard. Paid all the bills on time and all other areas of my life were organized as well. I own & ran a successful commercial cleaning biz for over 30 yrs. PLUS I had a blast with my daughter & all my grandkids at least 2 or 3 times a week.
Then I got this darn spine injury! Then I had both my knees replaced (at the same time). In between those 2 big events my hub developed Dementia (at age 44ish) and a host of Mental Health issues. Some due to the type of Dementia he has (PICKS) and some from genetics and a LOT from his own choices not to fight & not taking full advantage of all the different types of available therapies/treatment options open to him, but instead to become a victim of all of them.
My marriage (you can read my other blogs for a deeper/ugly view of that) was turned upside down and went down (and remains so) a very ugly path.
In the midst of all this I became a BLAH! I no longer dressed nice. I mean like not even jeans and a decent shirt. I lived in sweats & T-shirts. No makeup, no jewelry, no hair style. None of that womanly stuff. I never was big into that any ways, as of my job & life style it just did not fit in.
But I really went BLAH. I regained all my lost weight and went to a new all-time high weight.
The rest of my life followed the BLAH cycle. I stopped cooking, cleaning, organizing etc.
BUT much like the real woman inside myself that was always yearning to become "skinny" again & to dress nice again, was also the woman who wanted a clean, organized home again.
The problem was/is my home had gotten so out of control that my back could no longer do what needed done to regain it back & hub was unwilling to help me with it. I could not afford outside help.
Very recently some extra super ugly things were said to me by him and I finally had enough and "snapped". Snapped back to being ME that is. I decided that somehow, some way I would regain control of my life again without his help. His help comes with a very high price tag!
These last few days have been HARD! The other night after grocery shopping and it taking me about 20 minutes to make all the needed trips into my home with items, as I had to keep stopping & taking breaks as my back was hurting so bad. The times I have had to bend over (1 of the hardest things on my spine to do is bend over) to change pee pads (the joys of a new puppy lol) and pee/pooh oops and many other things I've had to do on my own, with each task requiring me to stop and take some breaks. BUT I see now I CAN do this! It's much slower than before my injury. But I AM doing it! :) *Note – after yrs. of having a spine injury I know what I can do, how to do it as well as I know what I cannot do without further damage – no worries, I sure won’t be doing anything dumb to harm my spine even more ;)
That is what made me more determined to get back ALL I lost!
So my gift to myself for Christmas & New Years is to regain my home!
I can already feel the joy, the peace, the strength and the satisfaction that doing this for myself will bring me.
Be it right or be it wrong, I am the type of person who not only wants to live in a clean organized home, I NEED to! When my home is under control I feel much more in control of all other areas of my life.
In the past (the way past lol) before all this drama started I always did much better on my eating/exercise plan when my home was under control. Once in a while due to an extra crazy busy time at work or something my home would get a bit chaotic and I would find myself going off plan with eating/exercise. Bringing my home back under control would always help me to get back on the healthy living track.
Of course back then, getting my home under control would usually only require a hard working afternoon. NOTHING like what this time is going to require.
But I am writing out a daily game plan that allows for “bad” back days. I hope I don’t have any but I want to allow the wiggle room for them, so IF they happen I don’t find myself overwhelmed at being behind again.
Plus in the most recent blow up (on hubs end not mine) I was informed that I need to go back into the job field more. Meaning I am back to cleaning offices/businesses again :( I almost fought him on this but after really thinking about it, I can do a few of the smaller ones with wearing my brace & taking my time. I decided that it would be better for ME to “give in” and do these few smaller jobs, then to give him something (else) to always be on me about.
This Christmas/New Years gift to myself does not end at a clean, organized home. NO WAY! Not by a long shot!
I AM going to figure out how to finish my computer classes and get my web sites/new business up & running.
My office is at home and hub refuses to let me take a class (online) uninterrupted. When I am studying computer codes/languages it requires ALL of my attention and 1 little “whatchya doing” just blows my brain cells up! He does this each & every day several times a day! I have begged, pleaded, fought etc., with him not to. I can’t go to coffee shop, library or anywhere as I would have to carry too much with me I need to study with. But I am NOT beat! I will figure this out!
PLUS I AM going to find & enjoy the feminine side of me I know is inside of myself. I have been a cleaning lady for 90% of my life, so make up, jewelry , time spent on my hair and such just was not fitting to adopt into my life on a full time basis. My work wardrobe was what I pretty much lived in, which also made “hiding” my weight issues easier for me. However finally at age 50 and with this new career I plan to have I can now bring that side of me out.
I have many great goals, dreams & plans! Giving this clean, organized home gift to myself is the needed foundation I need in order to build the rest of my goals on.
This gift I am giving to myself will truly be the gift that keeps on giving!
I wish each of you a great safe & BLESSED Christmas & New Year!