Sunday, December 16, 2012
Be Here Now? But where?
It feels good to be in my Sparkpage. I love the connection to you my friends and this community. I am wanting to have you and this as my place to come to -- more than a forum, this place and you have held me to my own goals and kept me company, kept me honest, kept me funny, kept me true.
I've been running away a lot - in my mind and scampering about with fears and illness and confusion over who I am and where I'm going. Some of it is midlife and menopause. Some of it is being smaller. Another friend here on Spark has written so eloquently about "Fat Me" and "Thin Me", and I realized in reading her blogs that there is a split in me there right now.
I lost big amounts of weight many times in my life. I wonder if the "fat me" / "thin me" identity crisis was not a big part of the "relapses". I think so. Granted, my relapses of the past were simply relapses. They were also flights away from the sexuality/attraction powers I thought I had wanted... but then could not handle. And so much more.
Today... 54... and my whole life is not in front of me. There is life in front of me... but a big part of it is behind. And a big part of it -- the lion's share of it -- was spent with the primary dialogue being Weight and worth.
Interestingly, WORTH / VALUE is up for me in big big ways. Because of my illness I went back to talk therapy -- to process better, to gain better skills and equilibrium 'coping with chronic illness'. The Fragility of the illness has intersected the Fragility of the unfamiliar smaller body. I look forward to building my strength back physically and seeing/experi.encing how that influences this dialogue.
FRAGILITY. SENSITIVITY. Similar. Related. But Distinct.
Worth/Value? Fat girl status was a low status for me. I bargained for status with talent and smarts. I was always looking for a safe place to niche. I have not not followed a passion. I have nurtured the passions of others. I have not aspired or acquired MATERIALLY for myself - my financial skills are oddly evolved on the one hand, and entirely RETARDED on the other.
Geneen Roth has written extensively on the link between FOOD and MONEY especially in eating disordered folks. It's good to know I'm not alone. Yet, I've been feeling down and confused and ashamed of what's undone, and afraid of what there is to be done.
Ashamed of what's undone.
Afraid of what needs to be done.
Hmmm. That may be a good simplification. Not entirely true. But close enough for the purpose of moving some of this energy, perhaps.
What Needs To Be Done?
The 15 lbs to goal wt is very LOW on the list, now. (How disarming that is in itself! For losing weight -- my whole life -- -- was TOP of that list).
What Needs to Be Done?
WISHES WANTS WHYS WHEREFORES
If I have these, they are remotified and distant from my consciousness.
In order to move forward with LOVE and ENERGY (and not fear)... I need to bring these up.
I NEED GOALS. I NEED AFFIRMATIONS. I NEED to break it down. I need to be willing to jettison the people places or things that do not fit with my next chapter. I cannot tether myself to stunted growth in order to protect a status quo. I don't know who is in jettison potential... but I feel that this is an element of what has been holding me back.
Still no good future work prospects.
Scared of upcoming new apartment search
*still on the emotional fence about staying in Chicago
*still wanting what I can't afford
*wishing joe to be more resourceful and strong in this process (And me too)
*scared of doing it wrong, of f'g up in some horrible way
Peter Pan? Puer? Potential?
Chrysallis or not? I'm coming out.
oh so slowly.
I want to celebrate this.
I will keep coming here in hopes of doing so.