20,000-24,999 SparkPoints 20,870

Chain Reaction

Saturday, December 15, 2012

A series of small occurrences keep nudging me to stop being in denial about my weight and my apathy.

I chatted with a sweet friend at the chiropractor; we haven't run into each other recently. C originallhy set up our free exercise classes, which have blessed me for 3 years ongoing, and she has been an inspiring example for weight loss. Utterly kind and generous, she is also direct.

(after small talk)
C: So, how are things going, health-wise?
Freelady: Well, I haven't been eating the way I know I should. (silently thinking, she can see I gained back most of the 57 pounds loss she celebrated with me)
C: (sympathetically) Is that because of stress in your life?
Freelady: Well, I can't blame stress. I'm just not making good choices about food. Plenty of people have had more stress than I have, and still eat healthy. I can't use that as an excuse.
C: I understand. But don't give up. Just do what little bit you can. And let me know if I can help you in any way....

Having to verbalize my failure was sorrowful, yet liberating. I think of myself as a rational, realistic person---- yet I've been imagining that my backsliding was a secret. Ha.

More day-of-reckoning came when my daughter did a fancy braid in my hair and I looked at my back view with a hand mirror and a long mirror. I was honestly shocked. I don't like tight clothes, so most of the time, if I don't look too hard, I can avoid being too disturbed by my size and bulges from the front view. But the back view was truly disturbing. I actually felt shaken. My stomach hurt. How could I let it go this far?

Daughters' basketball season started. Husband coaches 2 dds. I am the team scorekeeper and locker room helper. I have a team warm-up jacket but I have to wear my own shirt underneath. I dug out something to try on and asked my husband and daughters how it looked. They said it was okay. Then my sweet husband said innocently, "What about the shirt you usually wore to all the games last year? I thought that one looked nice." I took a deep breath and said, "I am too fat now to wear that shirt." Whew. I said it out loud. They still love me. Of course my daughters know I have been getting bigger and bigger. They still love me.

I have had one good week of healthy choices. I know how to do this; I have done it before and I just have to make myself behave. As VisualLyrics says, Progress not Perfection. As far as the feelings of humiliation go, I just have to tell myself, "Get over it." And, "Get on with it."
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Looking forward to getting back on track with you.
    1887 days ago
    I don't know what I can say that hasn't already been stated by others here (by way of offering encouragement), but I just wanted to show you some support.
    1894 days ago
    Honesty is hard, but it helps us to see ourselves where we are at and to be able to make the changes we need. Sometimes we have to start back where we were in teh beginning and start taking those small steps, day after day, that will lead us on the road we want to be one.
    You can do this - never give up! emoticon emoticon
    1897 days ago
    I can relate! And you are so right. I think the words of my fitness coach that helped me move on were, "You've got to let it go." We can't move on while we're hanging on to the past with its guilt and shame. And I understand the guilt and shame. Believe me, I do. But if we humble ourselves, admit the truth to God and to ourselves, ask his forgiveness, then we need to "let it go" and let the guilt and shame behind us. Not that I have arrived, but I'm learning, as I still struggle to lose the 35 pounds of rebound weight.

    Progress, not perfection - Yes!
    1897 days ago
  • NANCY-
    Your honesty is amazing. Putting it all out there is a clear sign that you ARE moving forward. That is something to be proud of... including the week of healthy choices. Each choice you make is another step you make toward your goal. From your spirit I can tell you WILL succeed.
    1897 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1897 days ago
    Please, don't ever quit or give up on yourself because you are too valuable to toss away.

    You are precious and worth every step of making good healthy choices to live a long, strong and satisfied life.

    You not only can do this, you are doing this and will continue on doing this because you love and care for yourself.

    You are awesome and a work in progress and are human so forget about perfection and just strive for you being you and being the best that you have been created to be.

    Each day is another day to learn more of what and who you are and are able to do to achieve your vision and dream and goal that you have in your heart and soul of who you are and what you are going to be at the end of the journey.

    You are doing this. emoticon emoticon emoticon m
    1898 days ago
    I agree entirely with Marsha (SLENDERELLA): most of us "maintainers" learned how by losing and regaining and relosing and regaining and relosing and regaining and . . . . yeah. Finally something clicked. This could be your time to click and I sincerely wish that for you. But keep on keeping on. Because eventually it WILL click.
    1898 days ago
    Brilliant!! Congrats on a whole week of healthy choices!! I find the first week is by far the hardest. Congrats on facing it. That can be a really tough one.

    On the At Goal & Maintaining Team + ... there has been discussion that it often takes people more than one time losing the weight in order to learn maintenance. For me it took eight times. Each time I learned something I needed in order to finally succeed. You can do it!!!!
    1898 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by FREELADY