Saturday, December 15, 2012
A series of small occurrences keep nudging me to stop being in denial about my weight and my apathy.
I chatted with a sweet friend at the chiropractor; we haven't run into each other recently. C originallhy set up our free exercise classes, which have blessed me for 3 years ongoing, and she has been an inspiring example for weight loss. Utterly kind and generous, she is also direct.
(after small talk)
C: So, how are things going, health-wise?
Freelady: Well, I haven't been eating the way I know I should. (silently thinking, she can see I gained back most of the 57 pounds loss she celebrated with me)
C: (sympathetically) Is that because of stress in your life?
Freelady: Well, I can't blame stress. I'm just not making good choices about food. Plenty of people have had more stress than I have, and still eat healthy. I can't use that as an excuse.
C: I understand. But don't give up. Just do what little bit you can. And let me know if I can help you in any way....
Having to verbalize my failure was sorrowful, yet liberating. I think of myself as a rational, realistic person---- yet I've been imagining that my backsliding was a secret. Ha.
More day-of-reckoning came when my daughter did a fancy braid in my hair and I looked at my back view with a hand mirror and a long mirror. I was honestly shocked. I don't like tight clothes, so most of the time, if I don't look too hard, I can avoid being too disturbed by my size and bulges from the front view. But the back view was truly disturbing. I actually felt shaken. My stomach hurt. How could I let it go this far?
Daughters' basketball season started. Husband coaches 2 dds. I am the team scorekeeper and locker room helper. I have a team warm-up jacket but I have to wear my own shirt underneath. I dug out something to try on and asked my husband and daughters how it looked. They said it was okay. Then my sweet husband said innocently, "What about the shirt you usually wore to all the games last year? I thought that one looked nice." I took a deep breath and said, "I am too fat now to wear that shirt." Whew. I said it out loud. They still love me. Of course my daughters know I have been getting bigger and bigger. They still love me.
I have had one good week of healthy choices. I know how to do this; I have done it before and I just have to make myself behave. As VisualLyrics says, Progress not Perfection. As far as the feelings of humiliation go, I just have to tell myself, "Get over it." And, "Get on with it."