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****not feeling as fat as i probably should****

Saturday, December 15, 2012

For three days I have been on a personal mission to derail my progress. Not intentionally but I have been ravenously hungry and rather than fill up on the things that are best for me, I have eaten my old standbys. Not suprisingly, I started my TOM one day into my binge but this is definitely not something that happens once a month for me. Heck, even on THanksgiving I was under my high range for calories so I tend to have self-control. However, this morning I feel better. I don't feel like chewing on Derrell's bicep while he sleeps (It was a thought emoticon ) I actually feel lean today. I feel light. I don't feel like I have been consuming 2500 calories a day for the past 3 days, and even that may be generous.

Last night Derrell and I went to Famous Daves (please don't judge). I was actually full pretty fast and bagged more than half of my rib tips though I ate the french fries and corn muffin. The girl who was SUPPOSED to be our server, Chelsea, was the center of a lot of conversation at our table. When the host sat us he told us she would be our server and after waiting nearly ten minutes, Nate stopped by our table and asked if we had been helped. We told him we had not and he offered to grab our drinks. As he goes and gets them, the host who sat us and another host start going back and forth about Chelsea being our server. The one says, "Its her section, its her table. She needs to help them" The other kid says that Chelsea isn't going to take us. I have been a server for nearly nine years and I am fully aware of the apprehension that many servers tend to have with taking young, Black tables. It is actually how I made a lot of my money and got requests because I gave the folks that looked like me the service that they never got elsewhere. Nate comes back out (did I mention that Nate is also Black?) and says that he would be serving us. He takes our order and continues to give us fabulous service. In the meanwhile, a new table comes in and sits in the booth directly behind us, middle-aged White couple, and Chelsea comes running out immediately. Ironic? Not so much. It had been so long since I had been pre-judged that I almost forgot what it looks like. Almost. THat night, Nate got a 50% TIP.

Back to Chelsea. She was a pretty normal sized twenty-something girl in my eyes but she was definitely heavy in the middle. Derrell at one point says something about her size and being a big girl I am like, "Don't say that. Hell, I'm bigger than her so if she is big then I am huge." Derrell looked at me bewildered and said, "No,. You are NOT bigger than her. You may be taller, but she is bigger than you." I argue that there is no way that she is bigger than me. Derrell says, "She is very loose and unfit. You probably do weigh more, probably because of your height, but you are physically fit, toned. You two look very different." I caught a glimpse of Chelsea again and took stock of her size, her ill-fitting shirt which brought notice to her midsection which looked EXACTLY like mine DID. I had to think, maybe I look different to others than I do to myself. When I came home and looked in the mirror, I noticed I had a shape and my tummy wasn't the first thing I noticed. My hips were, and for good reason. So despite how horrible I have been feeling for the past few days, I am still on track! And now to Zumba!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    We play this game with my best friend: We see a girl and say if she looks thinner or bigger than each of us. It helps us understand our own size and how we look.

    (The waitress is a very sad and prejudiced person... I feel so sorry for her...)
    1887 days ago
    I think things like this will always be with us. You both handled it fabulously and we pray Chelsea will find that you can't judge people based upon the appearance. A persons heart is on the inside and can only be revealed when given a chance. She just never know how God will send the blessing - may be clothed in rags, or a different color skin.

    As so many have said you'll finally get use to that new body of yours one day. I guess that's why when we take pictures we truly see ourselves. I don't think when I look in the mirror that I see the same image when I look at a photo. So just know you look fabulous and you're doing a great job. Most importantly your HONEY notices the changes
    1889 days ago
    I would've responded the same way that you did. I'm a darker skinned girl and I play it up wearing my hair in natural styles and braids but my partner is a tall white man who is 12 years older than me. I know people judge ALL THE TIME! But I never let it bother me because you can't change ignorance and you can't force people to accept you on the merits of your personality. Either they will change or they wont.

    But I am not above rubbing some of the good fortune I've enjoyed in life into their faces. I would've tipped him extra as well!
    1890 days ago
    First, no judging, I LOVE famous Dave's! I went there 2 weeks ago = ) Second, it's make me absolutely sick that things like this still happen in our world, it's disgusting. Third, your body is changing and you need to get used to the new you. BELIEVE me, I know how hard that is. I look in the mirror and "see" the new me, but in my head, I'm still the fatty I used to be. It takes time *HUGS*
    1890 days ago
  • LISAN0415
    That is just sad that someone would be that way! That Chelsea is only hurting herslf, and not just in losing tips, by havibng that attitude she is losing out in friendships and expiriences that she can have from all types of people. Imagine the sad home she must have been raised in, full of fear, prejudices and close-mindedness.

    Now, on to your weight loss, I think as we lose weight/ tone up/get healthy, in our mind we still have an image of us as our "before", it takes a while for our body image to change.

    Even Jennifer Hudson who is now a size 6 says she at first grabs clothes at stores or on racks in large or extra large, and poeple have to remind her she is a medium or small.

    You are doing great on your journey- and the way you held yourself with dignity and integrity, even under the circumstances, really speaks to the great nature of your character.

    PS. I would not judge you for going out to eat- I go out to eat But I do 2 tricks to help pvercome it and not thwart my weight loss goals:

    1. I eat a healthy snack before going, that way I can PORTION CONTROL, which is what almost all the "weight loss" winers have said they do to lose and maintain their weight and 2. I eat on the low end of my calorie range for either 3 days before (if I know ahead of time of a special dinner/party) or 3 days after, that way I have those 3 days with 750 less calories ingested.

    I hope that helps you too! We are going to fabulous Brides!!
    1890 days ago
  • DALID414
    My boyfriend and I get that from servers, I tell him it's because he dresses like a hoodlum lol, but we tip well too. Sometimes we don't go back to a place if the service is ridiculous, other times we ask for the same server so the hostess sees us as 'regulars'.

    I guess it was compliment day today. My boyfriend and I had a similar conversation at the laundry mat, over some girl dressed in workout clothes who didn't 'look' like she worked out.
    1891 days ago
  • EUEK098
    Well, good for Nate, he got some good cash. And your hard work is showing, had a stumble myself, trying to get back too it.
    1891 days ago
    So sad this still happens in our world, Nikki! That said, I had a young man I used to work with who at one time in his life worked at an electronics store. He made the best commissions, he said... because he was willing and eager to serve people the other floor-walking sales staff would ignore.

    Bottom line, if you do a good job, you should reap the reward. Granted a 50% tip was probably more than you should have to spend, but kudos for you recognizing your server's stepping up.

    It takes time to adjust to your new body size and shape... I read somewhere it takes about a year for each 25 pounds you lose. Sometimes a comment by a friend or loved one is what wakes us up. Sometimes a sizing chart. You are shrinking, and you look GREAT!
    1891 days ago
    Like I said I have been a server for a while and I see minority servers do the same thing. And it doesn't just happen to black people. I see them do it if they see elderly people, white people who may not dress as if they have a ton of money, hispanics, you name it. Servers pre-judge and then they are SHOCKED when the "well-to-do" or the nicely dressed table doesn't tip them as well. They could be cheap too! And sometimes they just see thru the bull so unfortunately if you fired all the srevers who did this, you wouldn't have much help emoticon
    1891 days ago
  • STACYR31
    First of all I think that you are looking great! Secondly that girl should be fired! This isn't the 1950s for heavens sakes. What does it matter the color of your skin?! I agree that she should be fired.
    1891 days ago
  • *MAMA*2*BOYS*
    Chelsea should be fired.. that is completely ridiculous! I hope Nate literally rubbed his tip in her face! And agreeing with Derrell, when I saw the picture on your "info" page that says 232 pounds, I thought it was a typo; you definitely carry your weight well!!
    1891 days ago
  • PURPLE180
    WOW, the server (Chelsea, seemed like a real HOLE). I hope she found out how generous Nate's tip was. I would complain to the manager. Errr...stuff like that erks me to no end. On another note, it is funny how we can't see ourselves as others do, fit, thin and shapely. I am still working on that too, I hear it all the time but I can still see my "flaws" in the mirror. emoticon
    1891 days ago
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