********** WARNING! EMOTIONAL PURGE! *************
Please feel free to stop reading now if you want something light hearted, up lifting, and motivational. I'm fresh out of that right now.
I've been a hermit. I haven't even been logging into Spark People. I've developed a sudden fear that I'm going all TMI about things people could care less about. I've backed off on blogging... backed off on posting statuses on FB... and withdrawn from friends/family.
There is no mystery to me. I live my life in the open. I tell people how I feel, and there is no guessing what I am thinking. But I've noticed so many others in my life aren't like that. Half of the time, I have no idea what is going on in their minds. I begin to wonder if they really want to know what is going on in mine. Maybe I let it all hang out there too much? Maybe what I have to say, how I feel or think... is just worthless.
Self doubt sets in.
Self hatred sets in.
Self destruction begins.
Gave my sister (who surprised my parents with a grand child recently) the cold shoulder at a Christmas party, because although she could have died on the operating table, she was fine with the fact that her boyfriend didn't bother to let any of us know.
My older brother and I have a long history of being at odds with each other. He tried to hug me at the same Christmas party. I just walked away.
I spent the next day feeling bad about my actions. Spent the next day texting brother and sister apologizing, and trying desperately to talk to them and work things out. Sister wouldn't talk, merely responded "K". Brother wrote me a big book about how he didn't want to hear my side of things, and he just wants to let bygones be bygones and move on. Neither of them would really talk things out with me. So I'm left with this hurt I have been carrying around for years. This pain that I've been trying to work through w/o them (because they won't talk about it). That pain just becomes cold indifference. Which makes me angry to the point of yelling at someone when I see them (which isn't often). I'm just so tired of being hurt. I can't very well get away from them. They are family, and I am the strong supportive one for my parents. They depend on me, and I on them. I can't just walk away from them.
I don't know where to begin. I have thought about it over and over. I have nightmares about it. I know this is the root of my weight loss issues, because it is the root of my self hatred (binging, saying eff it when I should exercise, etc.). But I am hitting a road block when I try to work it out with them. I'm an all or none type person. It's so hard for me to care about someone who consistently hurts me. In those situations I would close myself off from them and be done with them... but I can't do that to my family, I feel guilty. I start hating myself. I over eat.
So the battle of self hatred wages on. I am rambling. My thoughts are so unorganized today. I still mourn the tragedy of the CT shooting yesterday. I just recognize that something has to change, and hope I find the wisdom to help make the change, because right now.... I am at a loss.
In the search for my own change.... does anyone know of an emotional eating app for smart phone? Something where you can track everything you eat, when you eat it, how you felt when you ate it, etc. A simplified way of figuring out what triggers are, so you can come up with strategies to avoid them, while also tracking calories at the same time.