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    DEZZIEJAMES   23,338
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Letting it All Hang Out.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

********** WARNING! EMOTIONAL PURGE! *************
Please feel free to stop reading now if you want something light hearted, up lifting, and motivational. I'm fresh out of that right now.






I've been a hermit. I haven't even been logging into Spark People. I've developed a sudden fear that I'm going all TMI about things people could care less about. I've backed off on blogging... backed off on posting statuses on FB... and withdrawn from friends/family.

There is no mystery to me. I live my life in the open. I tell people how I feel, and there is no guessing what I am thinking. But I've noticed so many others in my life aren't like that. Half of the time, I have no idea what is going on in their minds. I begin to wonder if they really want to know what is going on in mine. Maybe I let it all hang out there too much? Maybe what I have to say, how I feel or think... is just worthless.

Self doubt sets in.

Self hatred sets in.

Self destruction begins.

Gave my sister (who surprised my parents with a grand child recently) the cold shoulder at a Christmas party, because although she could have died on the operating table, she was fine with the fact that her boyfriend didn't bother to let any of us know.

My older brother and I have a long history of being at odds with each other. He tried to hug me at the same Christmas party. I just walked away.

I spent the next day feeling bad about my actions. Spent the next day texting brother and sister apologizing, and trying desperately to talk to them and work things out. Sister wouldn't talk, merely responded "K". Brother wrote me a big book about how he didn't want to hear my side of things, and he just wants to let bygones be bygones and move on. Neither of them would really talk things out with me. So I'm left with this hurt I have been carrying around for years. This pain that I've been trying to work through w/o them (because they won't talk about it). That pain just becomes cold indifference. Which makes me angry to the point of yelling at someone when I see them (which isn't often). I'm just so tired of being hurt. I can't very well get away from them. They are family, and I am the strong supportive one for my parents. They depend on me, and I on them. I can't just walk away from them.

I don't know where to begin. I have thought about it over and over. I have nightmares about it. I know this is the root of my weight loss issues, because it is the root of my self hatred (binging, saying eff it when I should exercise, etc.). But I am hitting a road block when I try to work it out with them. I'm an all or none type person. It's so hard for me to care about someone who consistently hurts me. In those situations I would close myself off from them and be done with them... but I can't do that to my family, I feel guilty. I start hating myself. I over eat.

So the battle of self hatred wages on. I am rambling. My thoughts are so unorganized today. I still mourn the tragedy of the CT shooting yesterday. I just recognize that something has to change, and hope I find the wisdom to help make the change, because right now.... I am at a loss.

In the search for my own change.... does anyone know of an emotional eating app for smart phone? Something where you can track everything you eat, when you eat it, how you felt when you ate it, etc. A simplified way of figuring out what triggers are, so you can come up with strategies to avoid them, while also tracking calories at the same time.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FANGFACEKITTY 3/9/2013 5:33AM

    How you feel, what you have to say, is NEVER worthless. Or inconsequential, or unimportant. It is valid and true and yours to have. My ex had one thing he would throw at me all the time as a justification for his verbal and emotional abuse..."Only YOU can make yourself happy, no one else can do it for you". He was (and is) an ass but in this case he is right. As hard as it is, as much as you need the closure and talking through with your brother or other family member, if they won't there is really nothing more to do. As hard as it is to let go and move past that need does not mean that their way is right and yours is wrong.

I know that by now you've moved past the feelings that prompted you to write this, I'm still catching up from my months of MIA lurking, but the next time you feel this way remember that YOU are important to many people. Maybe not to all the people you want to be, but to many more people than you realize.

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AGK3112 12/19/2012 1:17PM

    It is just sounds like my story. I have one brother & sister. They are younger then me (2 & 3 yrs younger) and it is just 1 year difference between them. I feel the same around them. They do the same - ignore me, try to say stuff in middle while I am talking and a lot. My brother don't stay with us. He lives in different state (5 hr run from my house) and when we go there. They are around each other. I still remember myself when I used to cry for them (and still do). I used to fight for them (and still do) but they don't care much. On my last visit to him - we were sitting at the restaurant and they both were picking out food for everyone. They did not even care about involving me in there conversation. I did mind but I still let it go. It is been week since I have talk to my brother about anything going on in his life or mine. But he always calls her and talk to her. If she is not home he goes and call us again & again till he get chance to talk to her. I never heard that he has done this for me. We all has cell phone but he doesn't bother to call me but he does to her.

It is just very small incedence in my life but it has gone more and more. I have gone far away from them too.Now I have just thinking about myself that it is just a me. It does hurt emotionally & mentally. I have even tried let things go and go for new fresh start but every time new thing comes up and I am broke down emotionally . Now I have changed myself and let it be myself. If they need me I am here. And I can't even do anything if they don't want to include me.

I wish you find the way for yourself too.Take Care and try to get over it because it is going to hurt you. More you think about it more it will painful. and they won't even care about it.

Comment edited on: 12/19/2012 1:19:57 PM

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SARASMILING 12/18/2012 6:11AM

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DOGSTARDADDY 12/17/2012 12:03PM

    I've not been around much lately as well. Spinning too many plates at once, you know?
Things with my oldest are unchanged, and I won't be seeing her for the holidays for the first time ever. You can imagine how the conversations I've had to have with her little sister have gone.
Sorry things have been so crappy. Wish I could help. Focus on the girls, and be the best mom you can for them. Learn from the other people in your family.

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REVIVED 12/16/2012 7:44PM

    I'm totally the same!!! its a tough way to get through life, being so open and vulnerable but i dont know how else to be! i often wish i wasnt this way. but i dont seem to be able to invent a new personality. all i can do is keep trying. and keep trying. and keep trying. the progress is slow but it happens. im currently wallowing in a pit of depression and hoping ill snap out of it before i do too much damage. i think if nothing else, new years should be good for some motivation. hang in there.

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JCARDINAL 12/15/2012 2:26PM

    I can so understand your family issues. I spent years trying to get on good terms with one of my sisters and I finally had to just let it be. I see her at family parties and do my best to avoid conversation. I have a clear conscience knowing I did my best to resolve our issues and she resisted. My life is happier now that I'm not worried about what she is going to say or do. You are such a wonderful, caring person I hope you find a way to deal with this that gives you peace of mind. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RYDERB 12/15/2012 10:51AM

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I think this "season" makes things harder too, because it's suppose to be "perfect" filled with love and happiness, and when reality can't live up to that perfect image it's depressing. I'm sorry about all the issues you're having with your brother and sisters. I hope you can find peace with knowing that you've tried to communicate with them. It takes two to make any relationship work. I know I don't "know" you in person, but it's been almost two years since we've been friends here, and because of your openness and your honesty, I know that you are a kind, caring, strong, and beautiful woman. I hope you find what you need to win the battle against self-doubt and self-hatred forever; because you are AMAZING and deserve only happiness.
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ADARKARA 12/15/2012 9:47AM

    I know exactly what you mean about finding it hard to care about people who constantly hurt you. There are a few people I'm struggling with right now to decide whether or not I want to cut them out of my life. My heart says get rid of them, but my brain says "but they will think you're the bad guy" and then my heart says "who cares?"

You don't pick your family. But you can MAKE yourself your own family from your friends. Spend time with them and don't bother with those that hurt you. Or at least try not to, it's difficult, I know.

The most important thing is, DO NOT HATE YOURSELF. It's not your fault they won't budge and talk to you.

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POOKASLUAGH 12/15/2012 9:31AM

    I think there are different kinds of people in the world, and some tell exactly how they feel all the time, and that's okay. I'm one of those people too, and I've given up feeling bad about it most of the time. I'd rather feel irritated with those people who aren't willing to open up. :D *hugs* I hope things get better. No real advice - it just sucks. Just hugs.

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