Just trying to work through this
Friday, December 14, 2012
So I've been doing really well about weighing myself only twice a week and I've chosen to do this on Saturdays and Wednesdays. Saturday acts as a way to be accountable to myself and to not vege out on Friday nights (which is difficult since it signifies the end of a long week!). It also serves as a check, just to make sure I'm on the right track since I update my tracker on Wednesdays. The thing is - I'm freaking out. I REALLY want to weigh myself - like now. I just have to know. Ok, ok, I could do it now, but it wouldn't be reliable at all since it's the middle of the day after eating a snack and just getting back from the gym. I WILL resist. But still, I'm tempted. And I'll know tomorrow morning, right? But I'm so anxious about it! UGH! I know the anxiety will pass, it always does, but I just have to know. And overall, everyday since Wednesday has been comparable to the previous week. Yes, I've had a piece or two of chocolate every night, but I did the previous week as well (except for one night). I've also not had hot chocolate or hot carob and haven't had any of my gluten free, soy free, dairy free goodies that I was munching on two weeks ago (which surprisingly didn't really cause the scale to go up since for the past month I've been fluctuating between 145 and 149). I don't want to be annoyed if the scale is up, I don't want to be irritated that it's the same, I don't want to be excited that it's down. I just want to know! I just want to focus on the positives, the NSVs, the healthy choices, NOT the number on the scale. It's so complicating!
But an NSV: One of the techs who I work with asked me how much weight I've lost. She's always asking me and she's so sweet. If I knew her better, she'd be a second grandma to me. She has that type of personality. Everyone is a "little girl" or "baby". She's amazing. So I told her and then another tech (who is also very sweet and at the grandmotherly age) asked "you're not going to lose anymore, are you? You're so thin already!". It made me happy. But the answer, of course, was yes. I have SO much more to lose. I want my thighs to be smaller, I want the stomach pouch to be gone (and I can tell that it is going away - slowly!), and I don't want the roll of fat to cover up my belly button. Simply, I want a flat stomach. I mean, it doesn't need to be FLAT, it can have some fat on it, but I just don't want the rolls!
And in completely unrelated news-
Yes, the movie theater shooting was sad, yes, the mall shooting was awful, but this elementary school shooting is just HORRIBLE. I'm 100% glad the shooter is dead, don't get me wrong, but I want to know how he justified killing a classroom full of 20 young children when all he really wanted to do was kill the teacher (his mom, I think). I'm just in shock over the whole thing. We had it on while at the gym and I had to stop listening to it and watching the pictures since it seemed like I could just start crying at any moment. I've NEVER had a news story affect me so much.
But here is where I become harsh(?) about myself and it may seem cold to others (which is by no means my intention). For some reason, children always elicit more emotion from people than adults. People get really upset when a child dies way before they should via a car crash, shooting, inclement weather, etc. Children always cause medical professionals to become more attached to the case and the outcome than if it were an adult. I've never understood it. From someone who has difficulty feeling emotions, I've always thought a life is a life, it doesn't matter if the person is 4 years old or 84 years old. Their death or disease should mean the same thing - the age shouldn't matter, a death is a death. Cancer is cancer. People shot are people shot.
My justification for accepting that people feel more towards a child than the elderly is simply because it isn't fair for the child. They are missing out on a whole lifetime, whereas the elderly person has lived their life and they are just following course. Yes, a car crash or unforeseeable event to the elderly is devastating since they could have lived 5-10 more years, but a child? They could live 70-80 more years! And then I've thought, maybe it is because a child is so innocent! They can always make you smile (...when they aren't being mean!), they always ask the cutest questions, they always bring out the best in you, etc. Seeing raw emotion from a child is awful, they don't understand what is happening and they don't know what else to do except scream, cry, be in shock from whatever has happend (the pictures from this shooting show this). But do these reasons allow us, as "older" people, to be more upset when a child is suffering versus an adult? Do they warrant more of our emotional stress just because it isn't fair? Why am I SO upset (to the point of tears) over an elementary school shooting when all I could do was think how awful/sad it is that a bunch of random people in a movie theater or mall were shot. How is it fair to all of those people? Don't they deserve as much grievance as the elementary school children? This really bothers me because for me, a life is a life is a life and all of these shootings should elicit the same response. Because they don't, I am questioning my own philosophy.
However, I can only think that I am human. The movie theater shooting did have a fair amount activity on facebook. There were quite a few status updates about praying for the families and how unjustified it was. Unfortunately, there were also all the "jokes" about it, how people were glad they've already seen that movie, wondering if they should go to the movies to see it, how they would be affected the next time they saw a movie, etc. The mall shooting, on the other hand, had NO facebook status updates. Do people not watch the news or was this just not as important?? Everyone goes to the movie theater - everyone goes to the mall. They should get the same response, right? The only reasoning I can think of is that the movie theater involves pop culture, something my generation is much more interested than a "simple" mall shooting. But this elementary shooting, I think I have at least 25 facebook status updates IN A ROW about this. Obviously, this means that more people have had a response to this. Is this because it was young children who were shot? Or is it simply due to the time of year. What I didn't include is that probably about 75% of these 25 updates were about how unfair it was because it is SO CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS. Ok, this gets me mad. Are you telling me that if this shooing occurred in April that it would be any less significant? What about September, is that any more important? But December? Why should it matter that it is the holidays? What matters is that these 28 people are DEAD. PEOPLE. Not children, not adults, but PEOPLE. All of them should deserve equal amounts of sorrow, but do they? No. And this bothers me. I've explained my philosophy, how I'm upset that children are dead, how I'm annoyed that I feel for this shooting more so than the others (I'm assuming that it's because 20 children were involved), but I'm equally annoyed that more people are expressing their views on this shooting than the others. Everyone's life should be equal, age doesn't matter, time of year doesn't matter. Yes, it's sad, it's horribly sad, but I think that we, as a population, need to focus more on grieving for everybody, regardless of their situation.