Friday, December 14, 2012
I have less than 5 weeks till our little one will arrive. Although I believe she is going to come early. Today I am having an off day. I don't feel like myself I'm tired and just not sure how to deal with everything.
From dealing with today's news of a bunch of kids being shot in a elementary school. My heart goes out to the parents that are going to have to face this Christmas season and year to come without them. I cannot imagine and it just makes me grow more nervous about our little one. Of what is to come of her future. Just very depressing.. I really shouldn't of looked at the news.
The other thing is knowing my Grandma is dying.. that we'll be lucky if she makes it thru the rest of the year. She's been bleeding non-stop from a tumor inside of her for a while. And last week she has an mild heartache and a stroke. And This week she's had two strokes and cannot speak her eyes are fixed (cannot move her eyes) she cannot swallow her food and she cannot even drink a glass of water without choking. They've increased her morphine from every 4 hours to every 2 hours and she is in constant pain. And with this all going on I cannot bring myself to see her. My heart aches and I'm numb to some of it. And I'm afraid if I do go I won't be able to handle it and the stress could hurt our baby. So trying to just relax and think of anything I can do to help with our future of our little one. And to top of everything that has happened today my mom came home with clothes they are planning on laying her out with basically for her to be cremated with. I know death is part of living and we have known she's going to pass away for a while. She's had alztimers now for 11 years. But even knowing that... It has not made it any easier.
I'm just physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel like sleeping all the time. I am looking forward to our little girl but want to be emotionally there for her. All I can hope is when she arrives that I straighten up and focus on what is good.
The end of this year just has been overwhelming.. and I didn't mention but I also lost a cousin I grew up with. Nov 1st and he was only 23... Just so much life to live yet and taken so early.
Just trying to move forward, breath, and see what the next day brings me.