In which I get personal and probably a little dull.
Friday, December 14, 2012
So it finally happened. In the past few weeks, I’ve had a day here or there where I went over my calories –eating out, meeting up with people at a restaurant, enjoying beer or wine. I knew that would happen, and I was planning that over time I would be cutting down on those moments and extending my stretches of “on-plan” days from two days, to three, to whole weeks, etc. I find that way of doing things non-threatening and not so scary. Setting hard deadlines and goals usually makes me feel overwhelmed. Then I crash and burn. I’m not particularly fond of this characteristic of myself, but I’m trying to stop judging whether it’s good or bad and just learning to work with it, instead of fight against it.
The past couple of days have been a real test for me though. My relationship had been fairly rocky over the last year and planning for the first holidays since we started having “trouble” is super-stressful. We’re redefining a lot of things and the “givens” – like spending holidays or vacations or going to weddings together – are something that we have to delicately negotiate.
I’m also dealing with a difficult work task. I am not good at this stuff – it’s really pushing me to learn and do something new and different. I’m trying to be positive about it, but it’s also really stressful to be pushed to learn and do new things at work, when I’m ALSO in the middle of finals. And trying to figure out a very amorphous internship. And feeling guilty for not being with my rowing team at a time of year when they could REALLY use me.
I just want something simple right now. I want to have a task, accomplish the task, and move on to the next one. I know eating and working out could provide that for me, and I need to frame them like that. Because last night, I fell back into old patterns. I ate dinner. Then I made a drink. Then I made another drink. Then I had a snack.
It wasn’t “bad” or “terrible” or any other nasty words. I could have done more damage; I could have done less. The worry, for me, is that it was part of the old pattern. Part of the “me” I don’t want to be any more.
So I can choose to think of this as a slip, or a harbinger-of-bad-things-to-com
e, or an excuse to give up on a paltry 2.5 weeks of the type of lifestyle I’d rather have. Or I can choose to stop worrying about it, put it behind me. I need to remember that eating right and working out are good things and positive forces in my life, not something that has to be slogged through to get to the good stuff.
And embrace the idea that stress in my life shouldn’t be a thing I use to disrupt my health habits – that I should cling that much harder to those healthy habits in times like this.