Thursday, December 13, 2012
I'll be the first to admit I'm not thinking clearly at the moment- lack of quality sleep and persistent dehydration coupled with some pretty serious medication has impacted my judgment probably more than I can even imagine.
I'm so glad I have a rule about not going to bed without communicating about what has irked me that day with my BF if we've had a falling out. I sniped at him pretty badly, and I was feeling worse, two hours ago. The anti-nausea meds have finally kicked in now and I'm thinking clearer, and so we talked (well, he talked, I whisper-rasped).
He's confused because I don't really whine (when things are serious. I whine plenty about non-important things). I went to a ball, decked out, made up, smile in place, last Saturday with the beginnings of this infection- a 102 degree fever and a killer headache not affected by OTC meds, not telling him I was off. We came back, he was tired enough to just go to sleep and I thankfully did the same.
When I'm really badly injured or sick, I just curl up and try to deal with everything by ignoring it. Touches are bad- they bring things back to the forefront of my mind, so I ask to be left alone unless I seek the company. Normally, I'm not averse to a little TLC and cuddling, but he's never seen me this violently and severely ill.
I told him in the beginning that I'm not the most social creature on the planet and that there will be days I'll need my solitude. I also told him that, having been a victim of harsh bullying, I can't always stand certain touches if they are not communicated beforehand. When I'm not at my best, the paranoia is strongest so... Impending temper explosion.
He was so worried because I just kept coughing, wheezing and not really breathing for up to three minutes at a time. I was so miserable I couldn't want him close. Cue attempted kissing and subsequent pushing away.
Neither of us said what really worried us. Instead, I sniped, he shot back, and we sat there not talking.
Thankfully, the matter is dealt with now. BF knows I will be prickly in certain situations- he knows he chose a workaholic, slightly narcissist, OCD perfectionist with anxiety issues. I know he's a lot more easygoing and a very touchy and social creature (which is hard for me as I tend to get jealous).
We both know we're not perfect people, but as long as we keep talking and don't let things fester, we can be as close to perfect together as two people can be.
And for now, we'll rest. Me on the couch, because I have to sleep upright and would keep him up with my coughing and sneezing, and him in the bed because he needs to be up earlier than me tomorrow. But in our thoughts, we're together.
Thank you, communication.