Thursday, December 13, 2012
it's amazing how a raw diet can change your whole attitude. i still have my meltdowns, but they're not as intense. i'm able to be more aware of what's happening and recover from it. i'm able to talk to myself (the little girl in me) about what is going on and asking her questions like "what are you feeling?" "why do you hurt?" "why are you anxious?" and then tell her it's okay to have these feelings and validate them. then process alternative ways to respond or react. it's a continuation of my "growing up" challenge. i'm not in a good space with my mother right now, but i'm appreciating her more now. i just need my distance from her to see it more clearly. we're too close and i haven't had the space to process, accept, and heal from what i think she failed to give to me or give me what i needed rather than what i wanted. i know she did the best she could. i can intellectualize that. it's the hurt and the anger that gets in my way and causes me to be stubborn. i hurt a lot. i know she feels helpless. i'm being a brat. but i don't know how to come to her. it's just easier to be mad at her.
this is why people 35 and over should NOT be living with their parents. unless you have one of those unique relationships with them where you can talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, it's a breeding ground for resentment. i'm experiencing my second phase of adolescence: hormones are raging and changing, my body is going through changes, i'm trying to position myself in this world not fully knowing where i fit, trying on different identities, finding the right "crew" to fit in with, experimenting and entertaining different schools of thought all a the same time, etc. i'm so aware of what is happening. my mother went through this stage with a husband and four kids. i mentioned to her before how i felt about this stage in my life and how i disappointed myself and i'm so confused a lot of times. she couldn't really offer me anything. i don't know what that's all about. maybe she thinks i'll blow up at her. maybe that's true because just like a teenager, i probably would say, "no, mom!!! geez! you just don't understand!!!"
i feel for my mother right now...lol she had one overly sensitive, food-addicted daughter who had NO self-esteem. i can't go back and change things, but i can't help but wonder how different my life would have been had she known what to do and how to instill confidence in me. i'm mad because i have to do it myself. it's hard when you're up against 40 years of self-loathing and low self-confidence. you get bullied a lot when you don't have high self-esteem and self-confidence. that has stayed with me and i feel i get bullied. so i get real defensive on even the smallest things, planting my feet on the ground ready to fight. so i have to teach myself balance and analyze situations.
so i'm back on a raw diet for weight loss, clarity, a cleanse, and to transform my life. i've had two full days of raw and i'm so proud of myself. i've been holding the hand of my inner child so tightly. we've also been exercising twice a day for the past three days. i keep telling myself, "i will not give up on you." it's so important that i keep telling myself that. i can't let myself down. i have to build myself up. i can't go through life blaming my mother. i can be upset and reflect, but i can't keep carrying this. it's showing up on my hips, thighs, arms, gut, chin, back, butt, etc. it's easier said than done when i live with her. going raw is detox. i can't have this conversation with her and i'd rather not have it while i live in this same house with her.
so i'm making the moves to move out next year. so i have to start taking care of myself TODAY. my mind and body must be in synch. i will create an environment of growth for myself to take with me. i will need that for adaptability. so the past two days of completely raw has calmed me. i'm taking more time out to prepare interesting meals so i won't get bored with just salads. there are so many great raw recipes on the internet. i bought a personal single-serve blender for sauces and a coffee grinder to grind up fresh herbs and spices. i'm getting serious! i already have a food processor.
i'm happy to be doing this now before the holidays. i need a good two weeks to get into this habit before all of the madness (food, company, noise, etc.). i've been practicing yoga for three days in the morning to start my day off in a calm state. i've been looking forward to it and i'm working on flexibility and strength. the evenings are cardio. i will add some weight training later. but for now, these will have to be. i also started sleeping in my own bed and not camped on the couch (and since my mom had it cleaned, i just don't feel right sleeping on it lol). it also helps stave off those late-night kitchen runs. if i feel hungry late at night, it's because i need sleep, not food. so even though it still feels a little weird, it's been the best thing for me. i also have been practicing eating at the kitchen table for most of my meals. i must reserve a "dining area" for myself. it can get tricky since my mother sometimes stays camped out there. she uses the kitchen table to eat as well as do other things. what i'm working towards is designating places for certain functions and activities. it's also been helping me. this is what i want to carry with me to my own digs. each section of my place will have a function and a purpose. that way each area i can be present in it and fully aware of what i'm doing. if i'm watching tv and eating, i'm not really aware of either. if i'm listening to a dog bark while i'm trying to study, i'm not concentrating. so i have to carve out areas for myself, including designating times for things. i'll be working soon and running a business of my own. so this will be crucial to my success.
all in all, i made it through two days when it's been a struggle over the past few months. i gained the 14 pounds i lost earlier this year. i was also raw at that time. i weighed myself and it read 222.8. my highest is 223.4. so i'm basically at square one but with more awareness.
this is my story. i must be proud of myself for sharing it. it takes courage. the little girl feels more safe now. she's still scared, shy, unsure, insecure about a lot of things, but i notice she's willing to come out more and just be.
in this moment, i feel content. and that is a good thing.