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    SDLEE514   18,392
15,000-19,999 SparkPoints

Pics, vanity, & honesty...

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I've been wanting to write this blog for a while. I have lost about 10-11 lbs and excluding Thanksgiving, I think I've reached the "maintenance" point, but I'm still questioning it. I'm 105 lbs. Losing another 5 lbs may look "better" but do I really want to be 100lbs? Am I focusing too much on numbers? I feel like I need to come clean about the root of ALL this. And by "all this" I mean why I'm here. Most people on here are because they actually need to lose weight to be healthy. I didn't have that issue. I've said I'm here because I want to "lose a few pounds and tone up." While that's true, it's a bit deeper rooted than that. I've never really liked my body. Even more specifically, I've never liked my arms. Yes, my arms. I don't remember exactly at what age that I realized my arms were "bigger" than most people's (especially for my size) but I was young. I realize they are only one part of my body, but I feel I've always had an unhealthy focus on them and been incredibly self-conscious about them. I blame genes, my mother is built the same way, as is her sister, and MY own sister was blessed with the thin genes and stick-thin arms. So of course, I always compared my body to hers.

I suppose everyone has that "something" about their body that's their "weakness" or least favorite, or what have you, but I've held on to this exaggerated notion that I'm somehow far weirder shaped than everyone else with thick arms in proportion to my otherwise petite body. I've had "friends" tell me you're so small! but yeah your arms are a little bit big...I've had "friends" tell me your arms are huge! what do you do?! like I meant to have big/jacked arms on purpose or maybe it was a compliment but I sure as hell didn't think so. And this comment was recent; I don't believe other women should comment on another women's body in a way that may be construed as an insult, e.g., your arms are huge. Especially if it's the one thing that hurts you and you're self-conscious about.

I have also stated that I would be lying if I didn't admit that a small part of why I'm here is that I hope to be engaged a few years (or less) down the line and I don't want to stress about having to tone up and crash diet/exercise before the wedding. This is also true...but what hits me hard on especially bad days and again, the root of it all is that I didn't want to look at my wedding pictures and only be able to see that my arms are so big. I mean think about it, its like the one thing showing in a wedding dress. The thought of it makes me cringe. If I've dared to mention this to the people I'm closest to, my sister and boyfriend, they roll their eyes at me.

The problem is, as we all know, is that you can't spot-lose fat. I can't JUST tone up my arms; I have to lose weight and fat everywhere and strength train upper body to get just a little bit closer to arms I don't feel like hiding all the time. And that's what I've been doing. But I still can't accept how they look. I still wish I could get rid of the remaining boyfriend does not think it is worth losing more weight just to tone my arms more. I don't know what to think. Along with the weight loss, I have lost an inch, almost inch and a half, from my arms, which isn't much, but it is something.

So here, and I can't believe I'm showing these but I hope it will be therapeutic to "lay it all out," is what I'm talking about:

Summer 2010...I think I was around 115/116 here. (and yes, that's the yellowstone canyon!)

Summer 2011. This is the pic that really started it all for me...I just think ugghh also around 115/116lbs

May 2012. After I had started Jillian's Body Rev, but I wasn't Sparking or tracking calories so I wasn't losing weight (115/116lbs) (also, this is a Via Ferratta hike, a modified rock climbing)

me today, 105lbs, I look okay from these angles...

can't believe I posted this...trying to build "good" guns, don't think I'm there yet

see what I mean?

I'm torn. Is it really worth it to try and achieve something my body will just never be? I know all of this is really vain...but I've held on to this for a long time. I've accepted that I'm a petite person (5'1" remember) and my ideal would be to think of myself as petite and strong, not petite and frail, but given my body type I don't think I can be frail anyway. I've been trying to accept my arms and body for a long time, and I can't seem to just let it go and be happy I am relatively healthy and fit.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SQUIRRELLYONE 12/27/2012 1:00PM

    Everything I've written thus far sounds like platitudes to me, but I'll try a 3rd time. There are 2 things you can do:
1. Continue to strengthen yourself and accept that your arms may never be perfect in your eyes.
2. See a *couple* of plastic surgeons. Talk to them about feasibility, costs, and risks. Surgery is always risky, but having the information there in front of you in black and white might help. DO make sure you talk about the risks and recovery, however.

You look stunning :)

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HFAYE81 12/18/2012 3:33PM

    Sweetheart, you are beautiful. I don't think there is a person who can't see that. I have the same type of arms, even when I was thinner in high school.

It's' your body, and you should not listen to anyone else. The thing is, if you look in the mirror and are unhappy about a certain bit of you, why? Is it because people say you should be unhappy or are you genuinely unhappy with it? If you are, by all means talk to a plastic surgeon. I think Shrinking_Sara has some good advice.

As for you being "shallow", whatever. The thing I really love about this community is that you can be yourself and be honest and not worry about judgment. For anyone who thinks you are shallow, they can kiss your behind! If it bothers you it bothers you, it doesn't make you shallow. No one has the right to judge you. emoticon

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SHRINKING_SARA 12/18/2012 2:50PM

    You look great. I also inherited what I like to call the "southern grandma arms" from my mom's side of the family where all the southern women were grossly overweight and could wrap you up just in their arm fat. Even my skinny aunts have flabby arms -- its just something we can't avoid.

Be glad you never got as big as I did because the excess skin I had there was my biggest pet peeve. I just paid $6k to get it all cut off, and they look great, but I will also never have the skinny arms of my sister. I just have to accept that it won't change.

So here's the opposite opinion of what most of the posts have been saying. Go to a plastic surgeon and ask about spot liposuction removal on your arms. You're so dang tiny, they will be able to realistically give you an opinion and options on whether or not you need to procedure. Trust me they love seeing fit people and if the thought of your arm fat is that traumatizing (mine was) just go see what it would take to remove it.

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RYDERB 12/17/2012 10:09AM

    WOW! You look fabulous! emoticon emoticon

When regular exercises aren't giving you the results you want. It might be time to try something "different' These workouts look weird, but I promise you they work!

Tracy Anderson Arms Webisode -YouTube

Tracy Anderson "Sitting Arms" - YouTube

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MIAOWMIAOW 12/15/2012 2:12AM

    I have struggled my whole life with having bigger arms. They make me look bigger than I actually am! ( I am only 5'2") So I share your frustration. Although man, you look amazing!! How did you get such amazing abs?! You are doing amazing so just keep it up!!!

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CLRWILLIAMS25 12/14/2012 8:08AM

    First I've gotta say look at those abs!!I remember your first pic of your abs and your hard work really has really paid off. I also have to commend your honesty and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to your sparkfriends. As KNELKINS said, we definitely are our own worst critics. It can also take a little while for our brains to catch up with the changes that have happened with our bodies. I don't see the same arms in the older pictures that I see in the more recent pictures. Your arms are stronger and have more definition in your more recent photos. Whatever you're doing is definitely working, even if it is not working as fast as you'd like for your arms.
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/14/2012 8:09:18 AM

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KNELKINS 12/14/2012 7:03AM

    You really do look amazing, and it's true that we are all our own worst critics. Everyone has a part of their body that they are insecure about. For me, it's my lower abdomen. I have a little pocket of fat there that, while has become smaller through fat loss, still remains there proportionately, no matter how much I reduce my body fat. I keep reducing my body fat percentage, and while that does help a bit, it hasn't really made that area look smaller in relation to the rest of me. Perhaps if I get to an extremely low body fat, then it will disappear, but that would be both unmaintainable and unhealthy. You may be in a similar situation. You obviously have a low body fat percentage and may not want to reduce it too much further. That may mean you may not have more slender arms. Becoming healthy means finding the body composition that is right for you and finding peace with what that looks like on you. Don't define yourself by your self-perceived physical flaws. Define yourself by your health, fitness, and the condition that you've achieved. You really have done great work, and trust me, when people look the photos above, the only thing they're thinking is, "Good lord, look at those abs!"

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IRP1114 12/13/2012 10:53PM

    So proud of you girl. Yes! We all have these thoughts. We all have less than perfect bodies and parts that drive us nuts and make us just want to hide as dumb as it seems to others.
I always hated my super skinny legs. Of course people rolled their eyes and also made fun of me too! Very hurtful to say stuff especially when you feel like you have no control over any of it.
I have managed to get some muscles on my legs after many years of working on them. (But it still bugs me a lot some days to be honest. Especially when others don't have to try as hard to just have proportionate bodies) more recently my tummy area and just my upper body in general has held on to body fat way more than I use to and that gets me down on myself too...
It really is hard to "pick" a weight to be or settle at. I think if you keep doing what you are doing you will continue making progress and get to a point where you can be happier to show off those arms ;-) Witch are looking awesome by the way!!! Love that little delt definition your getting! Keep it up.

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LLBLOVER 12/13/2012 7:54PM

    I have to give you props for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and putting your insecurity out there for all of us to see. You are very brave! However, like the others have said, I don't see anything wrong with your arms. They looked toned and muscular, which is what we want, right? I highly doubt that you really NEED to be 100 lbs. You look perfectly healthy and fit to me! But if your arms bother you so much, maybe just keep going with a maintenance program that includes hard-core arm workouts. I would bet that if you do them, over TIME, you will see more results that make you happy without having to lose more weight. Best wishes!

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ICKA_2 12/13/2012 7:05PM

    I know you posted this in regards to your arms, but I just really want to say that I think your abs are amazing!!! Don't be so hard on yourself, everyone has their trouble spots and I think your arms look strong and sexy! If you're not happy, don't give up! Anything's possible! =)

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ELISELOVE1 12/13/2012 6:17PM

    your arms look great.

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SHMARA 12/13/2012 5:58PM

    Girl, this must have been hard to post. I can relate, as I cannot stand my legs. If you look through my pics, you will not find any leg shots, but one.
As I struggle with this through my life, I try to love them for what they are. Not skinny. Muscular. Not thin enough at the ankle. Short. But one thing that I have learned is to not let other people in on my insecurity. I told a friend once, and she used it against me a million times!Knowing that it made me feel pathetic and insecure. Some friend she is, huh? Which in turn made me defend my short, stocky legs. Now I just try to flatter them, and work hard to thin them out. IT is what it is, but I can do my best to make it better. I love Spark, because here we can share , and not be judged.
When I look at your pictures I see your freaking abs, and they are amazing. I see your back, it is strong. I see your arms, and they are muscular, but by no means are they HUGE. So keep doing what you are doing, you are doing it well!
Thanks for sharing!

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STODD251 12/13/2012 3:54PM

    It may be hard for you to see it, but when I look at your arms, they definitely do not look fat to me. All I see is that you are strong. You are taking care of your body, working out and living a healthy lifestyle. I understand how you feel. I also think my arms are way bigger than they should be... I have some horror pictures maybe I'll share one day, but I would try not to dwell on these things. I've been thinking about my own arms a lot lately since I'm a bridesmaid in my sisters' weddings and I'm going to have to wear a strapless dress... Definitely incentive to work on the guns. But I can't beat myself up just because I am built differently from my sisters. For what it's worth, I think you have accomplished a lot.

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