I've been wanting to write this blog for a while. I have lost about 10-11 lbs and excluding Thanksgiving, I think I've reached the "maintenance" point, but I'm still questioning it. I'm 105 lbs. Losing another 5 lbs may look "better" but do I really want to be 100lbs? Am I focusing too much on numbers? I feel like I need to come clean about the root of ALL this. And by "all this" I mean why I'm here. Most people on here are because they actually need to lose weight to be healthy. I didn't have that issue. I've said I'm here because I want to "lose a few pounds and tone up." While that's true, it's a bit deeper rooted than that. I've never really liked my body. Even more specifically, I've never liked my arms. Yes, my arms. I don't remember exactly at what age that I realized my arms were "bigger" than most people's (especially for my size) but I was young. I realize they are only one part of my body, but I feel I've always had an unhealthy focus on them and been incredibly self-conscious about them. I blame genes, my mother is built the same way, as is her sister, and MY own sister was blessed with the thin genes and stick-thin arms. So of course, I always compared my body to hers.
I suppose everyone has that "something" about their body that's their "weakness" or least favorite, or what have you, but I've held on to this exaggerated notion that I'm somehow far weirder shaped than everyone else with thick arms in proportion to my otherwise petite body. I've had "friends" tell me you're so small! but yeah your arms are a little bit big...I've had "friends" tell me your arms are huge! what do you do?! like I meant to have big/jacked arms on purpose or maybe it was a compliment but I sure as hell didn't think so. And this comment was recent; I don't believe other women should comment on another women's body in a way that may be construed as an insult, e.g., your arms are huge. Especially if it's the one thing that hurts you and you're self-conscious about.
I have also stated that I would be lying if I didn't admit that a small part of why I'm here is that I hope to be engaged a few years (or less) down the line and I don't want to stress about having to tone up and crash diet/exercise before the wedding. This is also true...but what hits me hard on especially bad days and again, the root of it all is that I didn't want to look at my wedding pictures and only be able to see that my arms are so big. I mean think about it, its like the one thing showing in a wedding dress. The thought of it makes me cringe. If I've dared to mention this to the people I'm closest to, my sister and boyfriend, they roll their eyes at me.
The problem is, as we all know, is that you can't spot-lose fat. I can't JUST tone up my arms; I have to lose weight and fat everywhere and strength train upper body to get just a little bit closer to arms I don't feel like hiding all the time. And that's what I've been doing. But I still can't accept how they look. I still wish I could get rid of the remaining flab...my boyfriend does not think it is worth losing more weight just to tone my arms more. I don't know what to think. Along with the weight loss, I have lost an inch, almost inch and a half, from my arms, which isn't much, but it is something.
So here, and I can't believe I'm showing these but I hope it will be therapeutic to "lay it all out," is what I'm talking about:
Summer 2010...I think I was around 115/116 here. (and yes, that's the yellowstone canyon!)
Summer 2011. This is the pic that really started it all for me...I just think ugghh also around 115/116lbs
May 2012. After I had started Jillian's Body Rev, but I wasn't Sparking or tracking calories so I wasn't losing weight (115/116lbs) (also, this is a Via Ferratta hike, a modified rock climbing)
me today, 105lbs, I look okay from these angles...
can't believe I posted this...trying to build "good" guns, don't think I'm there yet
see what I mean?
I'm torn. Is it really worth it to try and achieve something my body will just never be? I know all of this is really vain...but I've held on to this for a long time. I've accepted that I'm a petite person (5'1" remember) and my ideal would be to think of myself as petite and strong, not petite and frail, but given my body type I don't think I can be frail anyway. I've been trying to accept my arms and body for a long time, and I can't seem to just let it go and be happy I am relatively healthy and fit.