Thursday, December 13, 2012
So I've had feelings for my friend, Ken. And I think it's time I finally told him. I had a story that I needed to tell my group of friends in regards to someone who I thought was cute in a fleeting manner, and while he was there, I hesitated.
I hesitated hard. And it struck me that this sort of behavior was indicative of the impact my feelings have upon our friendship. Worse still, another of our friends pointed out how he hesitates around me at times. Whether it's a mixture of confused feelings or sparing my feelings or not wanting to hurt me/lead me on... I don't want that.
I want an open and hilarious and lighthearted friendship and I think this can only be achieved by telling him how I feel and reminding him that I'm not in pursuit of him, just that, like anyone else, my feelings can't be shut off.
The reason why I'm posting this here is because I always had a vision of how this would go. I told myself I'd tell him when I was ready, and I don't particularly feel so now, but I'm going to be bold and take a step in the positive direction. What's of note is that my definition of "ready" revolved entirely around my weight.
I always felt I'd tell him when I was thinner, and therefore, felt like I could be someone for him to truly consider versus who he's dating now. If I am being honest with myself, and I am here, this is what I feel has been lacking. Some random classmate even said it of us once, "If personality was *really* all that mattered, don't you think ____ and ____ would be together by now?"
It was hard to hear.
If I were to put myself in his shoes, there is no reason to consider me. I am not prettier/cuter than the girl he is with. However, I understand him more and our personalities are so similar it's astounding. But just because I'm searching for someone similar to myself doesn't mean that other people want that too. And I can't disregard a level of comfort and a history they have together.
Meanwhile, I'm definitely losing weight for me, not for any male. I want to feel great about me. And I try not to care what people think, though admittedly at times it is hard. I know that someone shouldn't factor looks into the equation, but I think we all do. I know that even if things don't work out the way I want them to, I hope that I'll have my friendship with him intact.
I guess I just need some positive words in regards to how this will all play out, but mostly in regards to how I am pushing forward in all this. I've always been incredibly realistic. And in the short term, all I want is less hesitation on his and my part.
Conversely, I see myself getting more motivated to be stronger and make more of a lifestyle change after telling him. I think I'll have finally let go of all the scary bits of my life, you know?
Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me. There's never been anyone I've met who has challenged me quite like him, or made me feel stronger or happier or shut off my brain as much. He's someone I quite appreciate and admire.
I just like having the little shred of hope. Much like how I do with the healthy lifestyle change. I retain the hope of one day being the weight I want to be. And every day I get closer, a little healthier, display a little more endurance, I grow a tiny bit more excited. Hope is pretty great. So I'd just like to see that maintained in other avenues as well.
Dum spiro, spero. While I breathe, I hope.