Thursday, December 13, 2012
My depression tires me out. I'm the only one in my family to have it, and while my parents want to understand it, they really don't. They believe a lot of the common myths about depression and anxiety. They question why I have either because "I have a good life". Or, my dad thinks I'm depressed "because my brother has a girlfriend and I don't have a boyfriend". (I'm not saying I ENJOY that my brother 6 years my junior has a 2+ year relationship when I've never had a relationship that lasted more than 3 months, but that isn't it.) It's hard to put into words what having either feels like, especially when my parents ask me on a "good" day. You just have to have it. You just have to be able to personally relate. But they can't, so I pretend like my anti depressants are working. I pretend like I don't get depression and anxiety that debilitates me. I put on a fake smile for the world, and on days I can't, I crawl into my bed with Paisley and pretty much stay there until the pain dies down. Or I sleep so long I can't sleep anymore. But it's exhausting hiding. It's exhausting faking it. I do it for everyone's own good - everyone's except my own. I've already tried two different kinds of anti depressants, and increased the dosage of the latter. It messes up my sleeping patterns and I still get depression far too often for my liking. I trust my parents but yet I can't reach out to them about this. They just get frustrated which they turn into anger towards me (though I know they aren't TRULY angry with me). I can't go to the doctor and pay $200 for her to prescribe me another medication that may or may not work. I'm just sick of this. I'm tired. I had depression undiagnosed for about a decade, and anxiety undiagnosed for 6 years. But being diagnosed makes things worse, in some aspects.
I didn't go to work today. My toilet DID overflow (and still isn't working properly; it's clear simple plunging doesn't solve the problem) and flooded my bathroom floor right before I was going to get dressed for work. It was sort of a huge blessing because I was able to honestly say I had to clean up my bathroom and couldn't come in. I dried my floor and proceeded to lay down, not feeling like doing a damn thing. At 1, I decided I'd give myself 15 more minutes to feel sorry for myself and then get out of bed. Here I am. On my couch. Digesting my lunch. I'm going to refill my Camelbak, put on some workout clothes, and do every single strength video I logged today plus do day 2 of my EA Sports Active 2 game. I'm hoping I at least have a feeling of accomplishment when I complete all of that. But in reality, I need to clean my apartment so I can have someone come in to fix my toilet, which will add a few hours to my day. None of this is a big deal but I get really overwhelmed about small things, especially when small things start to add up.
I've rambled on enough for now. Going to do one of the Spark videos and get going.