Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I'm only recently realizing how much of an emotional eater I am. Even as I type that, it's hard to accept and I'm not sure why. But I do know and freely admit that I am pretty much totally at the mercy of my emotions when it comes to life in general. If I feel depressed or even happy, I have a lot of trouble visualizing myself EVER feeling any differently. And I know that it's crazy and that at some point I'll feel the exact opposite and think the exact same way - that I couldn't possibly ever feel any differently again. But knowing it in my crazy little brain doesn't change a thing. I still completely live inside that moment of whatever I'm feeling and it dictates all of my action. So really, its a miracle that I've managed to lose any weight at all, considering that the conditions have to be just right.
That's the extent of my knowledge on the subject. I definitely don't know how to fix it. Because in that moment, when I'm stressed out or upset, I just don't care and I convince myself that I'll never care again. But I always do care again obviously. Typical as soon as I've finished eating whatever it was.
Can you really learn to change this behavior? It's so natural to me that like I said, I've only recently really become aware of it. True to form, I can't imagine ever being any different. All I can do is hope the even-keel days out number the emotional break down days. But they kinda don't.
I feel like throughout this whole process, its been one step forward two steps back. I can never sustain any kind of consistency. How much further would I be if I didn't do that to myself? I hit my 50lb goal and went on a 4 day carb binge that I'm still trying to come back from. And I had basically convinced myself that I could do it because I look fine, its not a big deal if my weight loss slows down, I'm content. But as soon as I'm in the middle of it, I feel hideously fat and disgusting and ashamed and mad at myself for wrecking my progress because I still have so far to go.
blah. thats where im at. but dont worry, I'll probably have a totally different attitude tomorrow.