Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Ugh...where do I begin? Everything seems to be going wrong for me nowadays. I feel lonely but the funny thing is, I know I'm not alone. I've been feeling sad, anxious, a feeling of dread and being down in the dumps. I lost a really good friend over something so ridiculous, I want to laugh out loud but I just can't. I guess it kind of hurts too much. Good friends are definitely hard to come by.
I've been bingeing a lot over my worries at night, over thinking things, not exercising as much as I should, being a crabby wife....just feeling horrible about myself in general. I have a feeling this has a lot to do with change. It's going to be harder for me to trust people now, like it hasn't been hard enough already. Losing a close friend is devastating; especially if there's no proper closure. I thought a lot about closure today and decided to explain my feelings the right way with no animosity involved. I mostly reacted in a negative manner towards this person due to all the negativity that was thrown at me to begin with. I shouldn't have reacted at all and just left it alone. That's what I'd normally do but anger got the best of me that day.
Well....I gained 4-5 lbs, another reason to feel awful about myself. It's the worst feeling ever to even gain a pound after losing a significant amount of weight. Plus, I'm pretty sure my cholesterol went up again due to the junk I've been consuming lately. That's not good at all, especially after how hard I worked to get it down to a decent number. I have a cousin who died of a heart attack in his mid-twenties, two fairly young cousins with pacemakers so heart disease is sort of a serious thing in my family.
It's going to be so hard to get back on track, eat right, doing something active everyday but most of all it's going to be extremely difficult dealing with this depression that's come to ruin me once again. Ugh.......blah.....