Wednesday, December 12, 2012
(warning: this has got to be one of the most disorganized and random collection of thoughts I have ever put into written/blog form. My writing teacher would send it back, but I'm gonna push publish because I have other things to do.)
Yesterday I got on the scale for the first time in 38 days (I use Wii, and it tells me).
In this 38 day period, I went back to not-working and the mental readjustment that involved. There was depression, isolation and many many trips to my son's Halloween Candy stash. (I think I've eaten more of it than he has.) Thanksgiving and a PR on the 5K (28min!) meant "I coulda been a contender." within the first 300 finishers.
Exercise was a cycle of ... blech. I didnt want to go. So I didnt. But then I felt like @$$ without my daily endorphin rush. So I felt like more of an @$$; I knew why I felt bad, but I couldnt get moving. Then when I did go, I was "doubling" (doing 2 classes). Alpha and Omega. And then eating like crazy because I was hungry. My pudge is pooching.
My weigh in yesterday was a non-official weigh in as I had just had an enormous lunch, actually ended up skipping most of dinner, was wearing jeans and a sweater. Still, I said I gained.....0.7 lbs. So after all of that skipped workouts and bad eating, I only have 1lb of remorse? Somehow it doesnt seem fair. I should be made to suffer more for my non-exercise, candy-eating sins.
Basically, I'm not being consistent with my diet and exercise. Mentally, I know this is going to catch up with me...eventually. I'm getting better with the candy...or I dont like what is left and am getting smarter about not eating it if I dont like it. I'm also being more aware that spending a day without exercise opens me up to the dark demons of depression that lurk around in my psyche. Endorphins are my shield against them.
I'm actually happy with my weight. Now I'm working on my shape and strength. I was getting very burned out at the end of August and I'm enjoying the workouts that I do. It takes me about 2 hours to triathlon, so by doubling classes, my thought is I am keeping the endurance going. (Sadly, no, my gym does not offer Spin classes)
Yesterday I was on the recumbent bike (better to see the TV, my dear!) and pushed thru 30 min, staring at the clock, willing those last 3 min to MOVE FASTER. But I stuck it out and then jumped on the treadmill for 30 min of walk/run intervals. I'm too wussy to run outside but the treadmill is ... dull!
Solution to my problems....not really one. Time heals all. Its the holidays and I have given myself permission to be imperfect. Do the best that I can when I can. There's been a steady rotation of bag salad for lunches. Eat over the Tracker. Double or not at all as the spirit moves me. The end of January will bring a new training plan and resolve. If I can be as bad as I've been for the past 38 days and only gain 1lb? What about when I'm conscious of it, try to be better?
There is no point in my flogging myself because there are SO MANY people that are out there who exist to nitpick on our imperfections. Its THE HOLIDAYS! There will be treat foods and parties and its cold so exercising outside isnt quite as lovely as it was earlier in the year. There will be plenty of time for me to catch up on my running fitness! (although less, if I manage to get XC Boots for my skiis) I will not berate myself and feel like I am less than my wonderful self. I will do what I can, when I can.
I will set new goals, plan a strategic and FUN racing season....in January.
Now. Pass the cookies.