Wednesday, December 12, 2012
I was about to title this something else until I noticed what the date was! Today is my one year Veganversary! Now there have been a handful of times where I had cheated and snuck a slice of the boys homemade, from scratch, hot out of the oven cheese pizza, but definitely no meat for a whole year! That is awesome and I am so proud of myself! It is something I had always wanted to do my whole life and never had faith enough in myself to even try. But look at me now! One year! Yay me!!!
Also one year ago today I weighed in at 205. Today I weighed in at 150. Down 55 pounds from a year ago. And yes it is quite a bit up from a little over a month ago, but today I am ok with that. That brings me to what I was going to title this thing... :)
Denial is Deadly.
Yesterday I had a Come to Jesus moment. (Not sure if I termed that right) I was thinking about how I have been becoming more and more b*tchy to my husband who is trying really hard lately to give me attention, etc. And well to probably everyone around me for that matter. I also was thinking about how I have been eating so much trying not to eat so much.. I know that doesn't make since. I starting thinking Why? Why am I so anxious and getting depressed and annoyed? For one thing, I know I was nervous about the doctor visit. Why? I don't know. I get that way. Then when the situation is over I wonder why I put so much stress into it for nothing. The visit was non eventful. He was a bit of an arse. He shook his head at me for going off the meds but what irked me was when we were talking about my leg and knee he said I needed to go to a sports medicine doctor about it and that while I'm there not to talk to that doctor about my auto-immune disease. Meaning, I shouldn't be waiting HIS time talking to HIM about my leg and knee. He's a rheumatologist! He deals with knees and joints and stuff like that all the time. That's why I talked to him about it. A**! But whatever. It's over and I think I'm over him! I think it's time I moved on and sot a new doctor. So there!, mean man. :P
Secondly, (so much for making a long story short
) I get depressed this time of year EVERY year. Some years worse than others. Apparently this is one of them. SO I was thinking, What did I do back in my thinner days to deal? I acknowledged it!! Woo hoo! Bright light bulb going off!! Ah Ha moment here!!! I went and got junk I normally wouldn't get like soda and chocolate and salt and vinegar chips and a really good cry movie and attacked them all with a vengeance!! Pouring out my tears and sorrow into the movie and letting it all out. Am I saying turning to food in a emotional crises is good? No. I don't think I am. But what I am saying is that for the past month I have been denying that I've been getting depressed and eating like crazy trying not to think about it. All good foods but still adding up and getting me no where but deeper into my hole of not knowing what was going on. SO, yesterday I embraced it. I have been bashing myself for eating way too much popcorn lately. Yesterday I acknowledged that I have been hurting and that it is ok to hurt. It is understandable that I have been hurting. I got an almond log when I was at Walmart and when I got home I popped fresh popcorn and I sat and made my friends birthday present while I ate my treat and came to terms with my situation and let it go. I feel so much lighter today! Not from the treat, I am definitely heavier with it :), but from the knowing that what has been happening with me.. Is the same I deal with every year and that I CAN deal with it. I CAN get through this. I did it before when I was younger before the steroids and the weight and I can do it now. I CAN DO THIS!!! And if I can except that maybe there may be a day that I need to let the guard down and be sad and hurt and watch a cry movie and eat junk then that's ok. I WILL lead a healthy life. I WILL eat a healthy well balanced vegan gluten free diet for majority of my days. I WILL exercise. I WILL live this life that I so want and need. BUT that doesn't mean I can't break down in more ways than one and just let go sometimes. It is so hard sometimes because you feel like you are giving up control by feeling hurt and sad when you are supposed to be happy. But I reminded myself yesterday that by letting it take you for one day, for one moment, and acknowledging it's presence instead of pushing it down.. that IS taking control. That is controlling the situation. By denying the existence of the depression, and sadness, and hurt is letting IT have control. Today I take control. Today I am free. Yes there is still hurt in there. But Now I say hello. I don't turn my head from it. I put my arm around it. I love it. I don't LOVE it. I love it. Love on it. To heal it. I know that every year I will be here dealing with this. It's ok. Next year may be less so. I will deal with it. This year I may have made it harder on myself with this new lifestyle, feeling like I always need to control every aspect to stay in line. Now I know. Now I remember. Now I am ok. I am good. I am human. I hurt. I can handle this. Don't run from it. Dive into it. Say hello to it. Hug it. Love it. Be it. Feel it. Then keep living. Keep moving forward. That's how you you can go back to smiling and being happy, by being kind to your sadness and hurt. You can do this. Be kind to you. ALL parts of you. Both the happy and the sad. Love you. All parts of you. It takes all parts to make the whole of you, not just the cheery happy go lucky parts. All of you is gorgeous and beautiful and strong and lovely. You are extraordinary.
p.s. I will share the history of this. Hopefully tomorrow, but if not, soon. HAVE A GOOD DAY! :)