Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Yesterday I kept coming really close to bingeing with the confused eating (ALL afternoon I kept eating not knowing whether or not I was hungry, or what I was craving, feeling really unsatisfied and confused), but I did not binge. So, even though I probably ate the equivalent of a binge yesterday, I'm still glad that I didn't just fully give up and do a go-to-the-grocery-store-to-buy
-binge-food kind of thing.
Today was weird. I got home from work, did some errands, and then was planning on taking a nap an hour before heading to yoga, since I was just feeling completely exhausted when I got home. One of my errands was the grocery store, and I noticed myself buying kind of unsafe (preferred binge foods, so unsafe for my current mood) foods, without much willpower not to, and half of my mind was planning a binge. I think that is when I decided I'd take a nap, especially because I already started eating some very possible preferred binge foods on the way home, and a bit at home. I think I've been getting around 6 hrs of sleep per night, which is usually ok with me (I prefer 8 hrs, but 6 hrs doesn't usually bother me), but for whatever reason, when I woke up from my nap an hour later, I still felt exhausted, and almost kind of achy. So after debating a bit I decided to just keep sleeping and not go to yoga...I woke up 3 hours later.
Anyway, after that I felt better, but the incident was kind of annoying, because it threw off my schedule. Now I'm having dinner at 10pm and although I think I'll be able to sleep, I am a little worried that I won't, especially because now I feel guilty about not getting more stuff done. I think my plan should just be to go to sleep right after finishing my dinner. Yes, I'm doing this entry while I'm eating dinner...not being mindful :(
Something I am a bit worried about is that because I didn't binge, I have some still unsafe food lying around, like most of a bag of cookies (hey, I ate two of them and then stopped!). I can't bring myself to throw them away, even though having such things around is usually 70% dangerous, 30% ok at this point. Eventually, of course, I want to be able to have a bag of cookies around and be a normal person and not have the urge to eat ALL of them as soon as I'm feeling emotional, but at the moment I am not there. So...not sure what to do, but I think I'll probably just challenge myself even though I know it's a little past my current ability level and keep them around?
+ I recognized myself setting up for a binge at the grocery store, and even though I still bought some of the things I prefer to binge on, I didn't specifically buy binge food, which would have included several other things.
+ Instead of fighting tiredness at home, I let myself take a nap, which was probably a good idea since I was in a really vulnerable situation that time. I made the choice to take a nap instead of continuing to eat when I wasn't hungry.
+ I listened to my body and kept sleeping even though I really wanted to go to yoga to unwind mentally. I'm just going to tell myself that I probably would not have enjoyed it very much anyway if I was feeling so exhausted. I've gone when I was realllly tired before, and because my body was struggling, I couldn't really get the mental benefits from it and left feeling kind of frustrated and disappointed. So I hope that giving my body more rest was the right choice.