Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I am currently training to run a half marathon in March, so I run 5.6 miles every other night. I run pretty late because I get home from various volunteer activities around 9pm. I live in the countryside so I run toward the city and back since it is better lit. The other night while I was running downtown, a man saw me and said loud enough for me to hear, "Disgusting."
At first, I admit I was shocked, angry, and hurt. I am a pretty sensitive person. But to my surprise, I did not let this knock me down. I have grown up enough to know, no one deserves to be called disgusting. In fact, I know I am not disgusting. I gained 30lbs in college as a result of my binge eating, but this leaves me at 150lbs, in a 5'6' frame'. This is yet another reminder of how "disgusting" society's standards really are.
However, this comment also made me realize who I really am doing this for. For some reason, I believe in a huge lie that I will only be loved if I am skinny. I feel like I will always lose out to the pretty skinny girl. I have always tried to overcompensate my body image insecurity with my personality. This all stems from a serious relationship I was in, in which, my ex had convinced me that I was unlovable if I did not look attractive. So in order to prove him wrong, I think I subconsciously gained weight and wanted to see if any guy would still love me.
I am 22 years old and I still have a lot of growing up to do, and a lot to learn about myself.
But, at least I can say I am done trying to fit into society's standards of "beauty." I'm doing this for me. This isn't about looking good, but rather feeling good. How much I weigh has absolutely no reflection on the quality of my character.
I can do this.