Tuesday, December 11, 2012
this is my last week of school in this semester. i want A's in both classes. i will get A's provided I can have some QUIET and SPACE. right now, there is no quiet. so i'm on the computer.
so i decided to blog about some things so i can move on with my day.
it's so hard living with my mother, this same house i grew up in, the reminders of my stunted growth, the powerless i feel, the control i feel i DON'T have over my own life, the authority i don't have.... until i position myself to move, i have to be quiet, can't say much, can't demand much, just QUIET. my mom likes to sweep things under the rug. and that mess chokes me.
i've been trying to see ME ever since junior high school. I knew this world I created was just a shield from hurt and disappointment. The fat was just insulation from all of that pain. People hurt me, abandoned me, didn't stick up for me when i needed them, who took from me and didn't give anything back, etc. i'm tired of living on this same block, this same neighborhood, seeing the same faces - all getting older, which reminds me i'm getting older. i don't wanna see that when i feel i haven't lived yet - lived beyond these gates my parents built around me. i just kept them polished.
so i SCREAM every day inside. so the fact that my GPA is still as high as it is with all of these internal madness going on is just a testament to the fight i have. but i don't want to die from buildup.
i have to see the world out from underneath my parents' shadows. i'm so pissed at them right now for hiding me from the world i can't think straight at times.
so what i decided to do was FIGHT FOR MYSELF. i decided NOT TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF. i decided to help this little girl inside grow up into a healthy, savvy, financially sound, independent, well-adjusted, emotionally stable, witty, outgoing, CONFIDENT, and COURAGEOUS woman. it all starts with me.
so tired of being so insecure. i've gained almost all of the 14 pounds i lost earlier this year. i must put a stop to it. i have the power to do so. the little girl wants to be heard, she wants comfort, she's screaming for someone to rescue her from all of the hurt and pain she's endured. she just wants to be accepted. i will show her how to accept and love herself so it won't matter who will or who won't.
these are the things i needed from my mother. for whatever reason, i didn't get them from her. my father tried his best, but it wasn't enough. i needed a woman to tell me how to be confident in my own skin and own my own domain, not based on some man's approval or the WORLD's approval. my mother hid behind my father on a lot of things when it came to me. and now that's he's gone, she's so clueless and i'm so angry at her. you don't know how to related to your OWN DAUGHTER?
so i have to do it. i have to go back and LOVE the daughter she had. i will now have to adopt her youngest daughter, which is me.