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Oh, Grow Up!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

this is my last week of school in this semester. i want A's in both classes. i will get A's provided I can have some QUIET and SPACE. right now, there is no quiet. so i'm on the computer.

so i decided to blog about some things so i can move on with my day.

it's so hard living with my mother, this same house i grew up in, the reminders of my stunted growth, the powerless i feel, the control i feel i DON'T have over my own life, the authority i don't have.... until i position myself to move, i have to be quiet, can't say much, can't demand much, just QUIET. my mom likes to sweep things under the rug. and that mess chokes me.

i've been trying to see ME ever since junior high school. I knew this world I created was just a shield from hurt and disappointment. The fat was just insulation from all of that pain. People hurt me, abandoned me, didn't stick up for me when i needed them, who took from me and didn't give anything back, etc. i'm tired of living on this same block, this same neighborhood, seeing the same faces - all getting older, which reminds me i'm getting older. i don't wanna see that when i feel i haven't lived yet - lived beyond these gates my parents built around me. i just kept them polished.

so i SCREAM every day inside. so the fact that my GPA is still as high as it is with all of these internal madness going on is just a testament to the fight i have. but i don't want to die from buildup.

i have to see the world out from underneath my parents' shadows. i'm so pissed at them right now for hiding me from the world i can't think straight at times.

so what i decided to do was FIGHT FOR MYSELF. i decided NOT TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF. i decided to help this little girl inside grow up into a healthy, savvy, financially sound, independent, well-adjusted, emotionally stable, witty, outgoing, CONFIDENT, and COURAGEOUS woman. it all starts with me.

so tired of being so insecure. i've gained almost all of the 14 pounds i lost earlier this year. i must put a stop to it. i have the power to do so. the little girl wants to be heard, she wants comfort, she's screaming for someone to rescue her from all of the hurt and pain she's endured. she just wants to be accepted. i will show her how to accept and love herself so it won't matter who will or who won't.

these are the things i needed from my mother. for whatever reason, i didn't get them from her. my father tried his best, but it wasn't enough. i needed a woman to tell me how to be confident in my own skin and own my own domain, not based on some man's approval or the WORLD's approval. my mother hid behind my father on a lot of things when it came to me. and now that's he's gone, she's so clueless and i'm so angry at her. you don't know how to related to your OWN DAUGHTER?


so i have to do it. i have to go back and LOVE the daughter she had. i will now have to adopt her youngest daughter, which is me.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
LLP215 6/6/2013 8:02PM

    Hi Jay, I'm Larry (LLP215) and sorry for the long comment but you have a way with words. As a father with two adult daughters as well as five beautiful granddaughters I can empathize with your situation. Your mother may possibly be guarded in how she treats you just out of fear of the unknown. Too many times we hear the bad side about society and about how women/young girls are on the losing end of bad relationships, friendships or whatever. As a parent I can understand that fully. But you seem well aware of your situation and what it takes to move onward AND upward. If I may, I encourage you to stick with your plan... show your mother that the FEAR though very much appreciated is unfounded at least from your end and certainly talk to her. It might be hard at first but open communication never hurts (IMHO anyway). It's a big world out there so continue to do your homework literally and figuratively and make the best choices. Trial and error are sometimes unavoidable but success is attainable to anyone willing to work hard enough for it. And remember, a strong woman is a weapon. I wish you the absolute best along the way!!
BTW, you should look into being an author amongst your other plans. Maybe short stories or something. I bet you'd do well.


Comment edited on: 6/6/2013 8:04:33 PM

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MAMAJAHMAI 12/14/2012 12:38AM

    I feel your pain.... You are beautiful and worth every investment you put in your life. I understand how you feel about your mother... The thing that worked for me was that I realized my mom never had someone love her and show her the way to go, God put me in her life to be a part of her healing process,... Think of the wonderful things you will teach your kids- because you were brave and strong enough to break the cycle. That in itself , is so marvelous. (((Hugs))

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