A couple of days ago I posted in my status update that I felt like I was failing miserably and that I was scared... I didn't say much more than that, but, believe me, there was so much more to the story.
I haven't been dilligent with food intake or with exercising and as a result, I've been gaining... I'm seeing the scale creep creep creep up an additional pound every week. At the beginning of the year, I thought that THIS was going to be my year. I thought THIS was going to be the year that I hit goal. Not so... not so... I'm at a higher weight right now than I was even at the beginning of 2012.
So, I wasn't just lamenting a week's bad weigh-in. I was lamenting a washed up year of failure after failure after failure. This has been my worst weight-loss year yet. And honestly, it was all scaring me. I was not only scared... I was downright depressed. I felt hopeless.
I was scared because this is what has happened in the past. This is how I ballooned up to 192 lbs in 2009. I was scared because I could see it happening but I was still overeating... I'm was still not exercising consistently. I would try to get motivated and I would be dilligent for 3-4 days tops and then I lose focus again. I was scared because I'm only 4 lbs away from the 170's. I haven't been there since 2010. I don't want to even see that number on the scale EVER AGAIN.
I was depressed because I'm back to the point of having to try on 3-4 outfits for church and then not feeling good about how I look in any of them. I'm back to feeling bad about myself when I look in the mirror.
And to top it all off the seamstress for my sister's wedding called and said that the dresses are ready for pick-up. When we had out fittings back in the summer, I was 155 lbs and the seamstress asked me if I wanted to go a size down because I told her I was in the process of losing weight and expected to be smaller by the wedding in April 2013. Now, I'm 11 lbs HEAVIER than I was at that fitting. Instead of going down, I've gone up!
So, I've been freaking out because it's been many many many weeks... many many many months... and it's getting worse, not better!!
Today, I'm not scared or depressed anymore. I've regained my positive outlook and recommitted myself to changing MY behaviors. One friend posted a while ago that "EVERY CHOICE DICTATES YOUR PROGRESS..." I've posted that phrase in some key areas in my house. I need to see it daily. I need to choose wisely. I'm recommitting to doing just that. I've got to get it done!
And, one positive thing happened today.... I went to pick up my maid of honor dress and guess what?... It's not too small. Turns out I misunderstood what the seamstress was saying. She didn't order a size down. She just ordered the size that I tried on. It's actually too big and final alterations will be made in late February. So, I still have time.
This is what the dress looks like right now... it's clamped in the back to hold it up.
So, I'm banking on the fact that some MAJOR alterations will be needed in February. This dress is gonna be falling off of me! THAT'S my motivation!
TIME TO REBOOT!