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Stupid Dog strikes again

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I haven't taken Stupid Dog for the morning walk since Friday. Saturday and Sunday were running days and I can't run with him, and yesterday I had trouble getting up in the morning so I skipped the walk.

Today I also skipped in the morning because I had to do some last minute house straightening before the insurance guy came today to review the water leak damage.

Today was also the day the owner of the company and his posse came to the office/plant for meetings and a tour, with journalists in tow. So we all had to dress up more formally than normal. For me that was a dress and heels. This is important later.

So back to Stupid Dog.

I went home at lunch to meet with the insurance guy. Stupid Dog was locked in a bedroom barking his fool head off. The insurance guy showed up right on time; I had allowed for some delay on my calendar so when he left I still had an hour before I had to be back at the office.

I ate lunch and decided to take Stupid Dog out for the walk. Not wanting to walk a mile + in heels I changed into my winter boots, these are purple to match my coat. These are NOT the fashionable knee high leather boots one can get away with wearing with dresses or jeans; they were meant only to keep one's feet warm and dry in the snow. Remember this detail.

First was the sing along chorus of dogs. I honestly had no idea there were so many dogs in the village. Apparently they all come out for lunch to practice their routine for the French version of American Idol. From the moment we hit the sidewalk there were dogs barking all over the place. Stupid Dog felt compelled to join in and sing harmony.

Then we passed an older lady walking her dog; I have no idea what kind it was, just that it was smaller than the Stupid One. I stop and grab his leash right by the collar and tell him to wait as the lady passed. Stupid waited for maybe a second before lunging at the dog. Stupid is also still barking his solo of the Hallelujah Chorus. I have to yank him back repeatedly, the lady says something like Ooh la la!

We each continue on our separate ways. Stupid has to stop at every stick and stone and pee a river. This is the exact same route we walk in the mornings so it's not like it's new and exciting. And I'm not kidding about the river, little lakes of dog pee were forming. This wasn't just leaving a bit for doggie messages, unless he thought he was writing War and Peace.

We go around the first corner, the barking chorus continuing all the while, and now Stupid thinks he's a football player and starts ducking and weaving all over the sidewalk, darting around imaginary obstacles and barking...always barking.

Until we got to the bottom of the hill where he added jumping straight in the air to his antics. We were passing the house that keeps chickens (and I think they have a goat too) and one of the chickens squawked. Stupid, apparently, was mightily startled by the chicken squawk because he jumped several inches.

We reach the bottom of the hill and turn the corner and see...the lady with her dog coming along on the opposite side of the street. Again I make Stupid stop and grab his collar this time; he continues with the barking and lunging. I know he just wants to do a meet and greet with a potential new doggy friend but to her it must have looked like he was trying to attack.

Stupid keeps trying to choke himself until she passes behind us and then, since out of sight equals out of Stupid's mind (or what passes for one in his case), we continue with the ducking and weaving bit - and mercifully the Bark Bark Boys have stopped for the time being - and I see a delivery truck coming down the road.

Not a problem, where we are the sidewalk is kind of wide to accommodate cars parked in front of the house.

Yeah, I should know better.

For absolutely no reason that I understand Stupid proves his name by lunging into the road just immediately before the truck reaches us.

I didn't know a person's eyes could get so big.

The truck driver's, not mine.

Fortunately I still had a good grip and shortened leash so I could yank Stupid back before having to change his name to Flattened.

I have had more than enough by this time so I practically drag Stupid the rest of the way up the hill to the house. We finished the walk in record time.

We go back in the house, I grab my things and go back to work.

Remember those details I told you to keep in mind at the beginning?

Yes, I went back to work in my purple snow boots and spent the afternoon walking around in them. They clashed nicely with my dress. The only saving grace is that the owner and his posse and the journalists were gone by the time I got back to the office so I only looked foolish in front of the people I know.

THIS is just one of many reasons I prefer cats.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    Hahahahaha I love the "stupid dog"

    Our dogs have many other names (many not repeatable) that get yelled at daily (thank goodness we live in the country where nobody can hear us). Not much relief with the cat as his name is Pussass so imagine what the neighbours think of our household!!

    I'm with you on the "pee me a river" my Maggs (a little Aussie terrier) can pee on every blade of grass on the walk and still have plenty left to water said grass again on the way back. I swear she has a "pee bag" the size of a St Bernard!!

    Kudos on your quick action with the lead, "flattened" just doesn't do well for a dogs name
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    1920 days ago
    LOL! There is special place in heaven for those of us that love Stupid Dog and stupid dogs in general.

    1920 days ago
    I'm the opposite. I have a cat & a dog. I love them both, but if I had to choose one to keep.......Ms. Purrfect would be packing her bags. Sorry Ashley, if you drag me out for a walk perhaps I will reconsider.
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    1920 days ago
    heehee, another chapter in the life of stoopid dog...
    1922 days ago
  • FROSTY99
    I so look forward to see what Stupid Dog is going to pull next. I am glad you have a great sense of humor and don't get really angry with him. It really makes me appreciate Abbie.
    Until your next adventure, good night.
    1922 days ago
    I'm reminded of Dave Barry's descriptions of his two dogs: One is the Large Economy Sized Dog, and the other was the Small Emergency Back-up Dog.

    I love your stories of Stupid Dog.
    1922 days ago
    hahahahahaha We have a dumb dog named "D.O.G" hahahahahahaha
    1922 days ago
    What a rascall he is! Never a dull moment. BTW, thank you for the snowman goodie. Have a wonderful day.
    1922 days ago
    Oh my goodness -- this is hysterical. I feel (a little bit) bad for laughing -- SD and Mali would get along great -- I can hear them barking together!
    1922 days ago
  • 3016DEBRA
    I think that's just what dogs do...that's the only kind I've ever had anyway! emoticon emoticon
    1922 days ago
    LOL. Your dog is an adventure.
    1922 days ago
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