Monday, December 10, 2012
I'm giving myself permission to dream big. No more fear of failure. No more underestimating my potential. No more visceral attachments to food. No more compromising the big picture for the little details. No more self-degradation, and, necessarily, No more excuses.
Something has changed in my mind, and I feel ready to take control of the rest of my life. I have goals--certainly, losing weight has always been a goal of mine, and I've made modest progress on this front in the past year or so. Now, however, I have goals for which losing weight is merely a means to an end.
Goal #1, 5k: I know I have said this before, but one goal of mine is to run (and not walk, at all) an entire 5k. I can only imagine the sheer joy that this experience will bring to me--someone who was never an active child, adolescent, or adult--to be able to improve and even excel in a long-term athletic endeavor. Priceless. I am currently training for this goal via walks and walk/runs, slowly increasing my mileage and speed each week. I am restarting the couch to 5k program on Jan 1st.
Goal #2, Clothes: I want to be able to wear a smaller pant size than I've ever worn in my adult life. I have not been below a size 24 (or below 300 lb) since elementary school, so this will be a monumental accomplishment for me. I am currently wearing a 24 in some jeans, and a 26 in others... so this goal is completely attainable in the near future.
Goal #3, Martial Arts/etc: I want to practice some sort of martial art. Also, I've always wanted to try fencing. I want to be able to experience both of these things without being limited by my weight or range of motion or speed or endurance. I am incredibly flexible and have remarkably good balance (even at this weight), so I know I could excel at these things. To take me one step closer to this goal now, I am going to attend a Tai Chi class at my gym as a gentle introduction and foundation for things to come. Also, I want to be able to do more advanced yoga moves, which are not possible at my current size.
Goal #4, Japan: If I can find a way to save up the money this summer via some sort of employment, I may be visiting my friend in Japan next December (2013). This would be the absolute most amazing experience of my lifetime, and I want to be able to fully enjoy it, without being physically or intellectually limited by my size or by my level of fitness. I want to be able to fall asleep on the plane and wake up many hours later, in Japan, without feeling very uncomfortable in my seat and without worrying about crowding the person next to me. I want to feel confident and at ease about being in the pictures we take on our tour of Tokyo, Osaka, and Kyoto. I want to be able to walk the many miles involved through beautiful gardens and temples, without having to call a day trip short due to knee pain, foot pain, or plain exhaustion. I want to fully participate in all of the amazing experiences we may share during this very limited time, and take in the culture and country whose language I have studied over these past few years.
Thus: I am on a mission to lose 100 lb in one year.
Of course, I will allow myself to be happy with my accomplishments along the way. I am living life now, and making the most of each and every day. And no, I won't beat myself up for not making it to this goal, should I fail.... but I am no longer worried about failing. Even if I "fail," I know I will lose a significant amount, so why not try? I know that I can do it; I've proved to myself that I can lose this past 60 lb, and I know what is working for me. I've had ups and downs: significant re-gains, quick losses, stubborn plateaus, periods of intense motivation, and also depressive episodes; I've tackled weight loss during several stages of my life, with varying degrees of stress and responsibilities. I've gotten the hang of things. I know what to expect. I know there will be not-so-great days, and I know that they will always subside. I know how to play this game.
Right now, it's my time: I am marrying a wonderful man who shares my drive and passion for fitness/health. I also have the emotional support of my friends, Sparkfriends and family, who want nothing more than to see me succeed. I have myself, which I have learned to love and defend, instead of sabotaging and insulting. Losing this weight will help me in all aspects of my life and will allow me to be a better student, wife, friend, and daughter.
I'm tired of my slow and not-so-steady pace, and lucky enough to be faced with a unique opportunity to speed things up for a spell.
100 lbs in 1 year. I'm doing it. Here I go!
UPDATE: Well I gained a bit and my Dec 31 weight was 360.8. So I am going with that, and aiming to be at 260.8 by Dec 31, 2013. I can do this!