Monday, December 10, 2012
I have been putting this blog off for some time now . For 42 years I have done all that expected of me to the point of sacrificing myself for the benefit of others. I never knew how losing the weight would change me. How my search for better health would impact decisions. I never thought about my own happiness and what I wanted . I started the change of life with one thought in mind just be change so you can live . Never would I have believed that so many things were involved in living.
It all started with exercising . And no I didnt like it one bit; however, I knew that it was a necessity. The path that led me down was unbelievable to me. As my body got physically stronger , I became emotionally and mentally stronger. About week 5 of laying on my couch recovering from surgery I had a realization that well frankly was something I never thought I would find . I missed walking . I missed the emotional release of the track. I missed the mental reprieve that it gave. I missed the clarity of things after a good walk. I had done the unthinkable I had changed my emotional eating to emotional exercise. Now this blog will get a little emotional but no worries I am good actually better than I have been in a while . For me I took the changes to heart, there is never going to be an end just a next step . And I think I have to make some changes to insure that I am doing what is best for me .
I have been fighting a decision for a while now . Hoping that some things would change and well they arent. I so dearly dislike living in New Orleans. The apartment is void of color and life. I have mentioned before about my husbands drinking issues. These issues are not better by any means. I really feel like here I am just existing not living ... I want to live again . I want to wake up and just be happy . So I have decided to move back home in January with or with out my husband . Brian is a good man dont get me wrong . I love him dearly but right now he is a little lost. The decision although sad really has to be . See through sparks I found out that well sometimes it really does have to be about me .. This place New Orleans is destroying us with resentment and anger . The financial worries , the constant drinking and the void of anything meaningful has taken a toll. My home is in Mississippi. I love my wide open yard with my willows ( Abigail, Isabella and Boreguard) . I love seeing my grand children on the week end running into people I know in the store . Visiting my mother's grave on a weekly basis . I love my Alabama red kitchen and Marigold yellow living room . I miss the wide openness of my home . The confinement here has finally became more than I can bare . I am at peace with my decision however it turns out. I am not good alone but alone in Mississippi has got to be better than sitting here missing it everyday. This is just another step in becoming the me I want to be .