Sunday, December 09, 2012
It's been so long since I looked in the Mirror and liked what I saw. I loathe mirrors and would only use them to make sure what I was wearing didn't look totally wrinkled or made me look like a tent, but I would never stop in front of the mirror and actually look let alone halfway like what I saw.
I have had to weed out my closet and I have very few clothes that fit left, and what I do is mostly Cub Scout Day Camp T-shirts, Hoodies and Jeans. I'm in desperate need of clothing that fits. But I allowed myself to get a new pair of jeans last week, I spent a little more than I would normally on them (meaning I went to Ross not Goodwill) I tried on 2 pairs and one of them I needed a size 12!!! But I didn't feel comfortable in those ones, They fit nice but I was a bit paranoid about them touching me, Yes another thing I've avoided. Clothes that touch me! So anyway I get the one pair and I'm in love with them. So I started digging through the back of my closet, that's where the clothes I've got in the past that were a little tight or touched me , or that I just got too fat for go, and I start pulling out tops and having my own little fashion show with my new Jeans and these tops that I'm trying on. And I have to say I really liked most of what I saw!
I am also the girl that bags on people that wear leggings and sweatshirts in public, I will wear leggin's under skirts or with my tunics or sweater dresses but not a HOODIE, UNLESS it's my running gear and I'm going for a run. But yesterday I didn't plan on leaving my house so I had my running tights on, my hoodie and Pink Uggs. We have no heat in my house right now (heater broke) so I was freezing and my running tights are fleece lined and kept me toasty. We were getting our christmas stuff put up when the Hubz yells down from the ladder, can you just run to CVS and get me more light hangers please...UGH ok it's just one store I can do this! I'm at the store and get a call, grab a firestarter log...well they don't have hangers so I have to go to the store next door, still not loving this but it's next door not a huge deal. Go there and they don't have either of them. Call him and tell him I'm coming home empty handed. He goes can you just stop at wal-mart and get them, I really need them and you're already out. At this point I'm in near tears because I am in public in my tights, he's like are you seriously worried about what your wearing? YES I AM!!! So I begrudgingly say yes, and mind you it's not stopping by Wal-Mart on the way home...it's driving across town in the opposite direction of my house.
So I get that mess over and get home and in the wake of getting christmas stuff out of the garage we uncover some clothes I haven't worn in YEARS so I go try them on, and one of the shirts matches with my tights I have on so I try it on and look in the mirror and OMG I felt HOT!!! I am actually starting to look thin! My legs look amazing, my butt is where it's supposed to be not all saggy and stuff, So I put on my boots with it and DAMN!!! I felt sexy. So I've been bagging myself esteem the whole day because I had to go in public in something I just knew people were thinking "that whale should not be wearing" and then I got home and put a different shirt on with it and I LOVED the way I looked. So I realized that, I was loving my legs and butt with the shirt on but my legs and butt looked that way the whole day! I didn't look as bad as I felt. I feel kind of silly about that lol.
I'm even noticing at the gym I'm really transforming. At Zumba the other night our class started dropping in the middle of it and I remember looking up in the mirror not not being able to see where I was and being a little confused because class wasn't big, and then realized the person in the mirror I glanced at while looking to see what I looked like was me! So I honestly didn't see me. I was looking for someone bigger, and I was shocked at how thin and toned I'm starting to look. I wonder if I'll ever be ok with the way I look, If I'll always be looking for the "fat me" if I'll ever truly see me. I know it's a process, but I never saw my self as the "Fat girl" until I saw a pic of me 30 lbs ago and was like OMG Seriously?!?!? But all in all I have to admit...I'm really starting to like what I see!