Sunday, December 09, 2012
I know what a house with children looks and sounds like at 7:28 am. I'm sure Moms have a distant memory of what being single and living alone looks and sounds like at 7:28 am. Moms looks at me like I'm crazy when I talk about my weekend mornings. I would trade this moment right now for screaming 3 year old twins running through the house covered in breakfast. Moms know that feeling too. The difference is, all of my mornings are alone and silent. That's not a bad thing, but I do look forward to the day when I have a family. I am in amazing health, but I am going to be 38 in 3 months. Let's all stop pretending that it's okay to keep waiting. The "You have plenty of time" conversation had with me when was 25 is now 13 years outdated. This might turn into something not easy, especially since I can see another 5 to 7 years going by before I'm in any sort of practical situation to have a child. I haven't even gone on a date in 2 years since Dave moved out. No prospects. Just a few incredible fake outs. Yes, of course Paul is totally gone again like he never was. I don't actually miss him anymore, I don't miss any of them. I also don't think I'm one to go against everything I've ever been raised to believe about getting married and having a family. I really don't think I could just forget the guy part and just get pregnant and have a baby on my own. I want a house with a yard and a family with a little summer vacation somewhere every year. The most simple biological act of a species should not have to be my loftiest dream. I'm not even asking for a 300 person church wedding anymore like a 22 year old would have with a dreamy, poofy, Cinderella dress. I don't want a corner of my parents basement anymore, or a big echoing apartment. I'd like to take that next step.
I need a much better social life if any of this is going to happen. At no time in the day am I exposed to any sort of social outlet to meet anyone. I wouldn't even know where to go and I've been saying for years I probably even live in the wrong area. There is no demographic of men with my interests where I live. This is not the area of the USA where you're going to find backpacking, scuba diving, mountain bikers. I need to be in Colorado, Oregon, California, things like that. The hiking and scuba clubs in my area are populated with a much older crowd, not old enough to have kids my age yet either, so it leaves me in this odd middle area that has a huge void in NY. The jobs and money needed are just all wrong for people like me who want to climb a mountain, pitch a tent and watch the Northern Lights. Maybe I'll get lucky, but after 37 years you tend to think you're not finding anything where you are. I wouldn't know how to leave though. Funny how you can not want to live somewhere for 20 years and be totally unable to leave.
So in the meantime, I keep living my life. Making my own happiness and making travel plans. Maybe something will happen in 2013. I'm not actually looking, thing like that happen naturally and need nothing from me. When it's time, things will unfold as they should. I'm still young enough not to let it take up much time. This blog is all the energy it needs to have for a while. Time to get back to everything else that is actually happening in the present.