Saturday, December 08, 2012
This morning started out decent enough. got the paper in, drank my coffee, got dresses, put three empty storage containers back in the shed and that is when it dawned on me. It hit like a ton of bricks that the reason getting ready for the holidays was that I was doing what Ed has done for years and what I usually did as well. But, I got them put away and now to tackle the tree, I thought. I had a few odds and ends to do before the tree and just as I was headed to the living room the phone rang, Ed's cell phone that is. I thought that it was probably a telemarketer since they call even though the no. is on "do not call list.m Then I saw the name, it was someone we knew and when her name came up I realized that she didn't know. She was calling because she wasn't sure about the date of the anniversary party we were planning. How did those who called miss her? I have no idea but she didn't know. The tears began pouring down my face as we talked and she really didn't know what to say. how could she?
After I hung up the phone I was so befuddled that I couldn't think avout trimming the tree; so, I decided to bake a new recipe for cheese crackers. Chopping the olives would be good therapy, or so I thought. As I mixed and chopped my doorbell rang and my friend from across the river was there. She had come to help with my tree! In two hours we had the tree finished and had some good laughs and no tears. Finally, I thought, I am finished crying for today!
Tonight I took my daughter and Grandboy and Grandgirl to see a house decorated for Christmas. When I say "Decorated" I mean DECORATED! There was music, there was a snow blowing machine, Elmo, Frosty, Buddy the Elf and Santa Claus were all there. Buddy the Elf was giving out small gifts, and the entire house and yard was unbelievably amazing! The kids were wonderful and had a fantastic time, Keegan, who has autism, even talked to other kids and enjoyed the entire time we were there. How wonderful that was. he sat on Santa's lap and told Santa what he wanted and my heart was bursting with joy. We danced with the music, Keegan actually asked me to dance with him, the Maeryn and I danced Gungman style.I think people were surprised to see a woman of my age doing that! There was another family there whom we knew and the kids were glad to see me, even the young teenage girl and all hugged me. It was wonderful!
We stopped at McDonalds, the first time in a year or more for me, for a bite to eat. I had very few calories today; so, figured that I could splurge, besides, I had danced! I noticed that Keegan's mouth wasn't right. We had talked about it last week but tonight it was worse and one side of his face seemed drooped. I asked if he had a headache anytime recently and he said no. I told his Mom to call the dr. I am so worried and if there is something serious I don't think I will survive emotionally. He and I need prayers, a lot of them.
On the way home Keegan was talking about his Pops and hos he missed him and Maeryn was talking about how we took her to the home of some of our friends and she wanted to go again but "Pops" couldn't go. I managed to not cry.
I got home and walked in the house and again, unstoppable tears pouring down my cheeks, so many that they dripped onto my shirt making big wet spots. I am sure this is normal but it makes the emotional pain harder because it also adds a physical pain that I have never experienced before.
I know people might be tired of reading about my grief but I feel that I must keep track, that is the logical side of me. I think that maybe, in time, the wounds will heal, leaving scars, but heal and maybe these blogs will help someone else who might lose the love of their life and have other difficulties with which to deal. I hope there is some reason that I have to go through this and it isn't for naught!