Saturday, December 08, 2012
Yesterday my husband and I found out that he has stage 4 lung cancer. We are in a state of shock, devastated, it's all completely surreal.
I could barely catch my breath, imagining my life without him after 24 years, imagining my 8 year old daughter growing up without a father, imagining being a single mother. It's all really too much, so unfair, inexplicable.
And when we got home from Sloan Kettering, all I wanted to do was binge. I wanted to drown my sorrows and numb myself and distract myself with a different kind of problem.
But I didn't. I told myself that the nuts wouldn't give my husband more time. I told myself that if I binged, I'd just feel sick and disgusted with myself, as I've been feeling for the past month or two. I'd just wake up heavier, angrier at myself and the world, and less able to give love and positivity to my daughter and my husband.
So I went for a run in the cold rain. I cried as I ran, and I was wet and freezing and it was gray and dreary in the park, just as it felt in my heart. But it was the better choice for sure.
I came home able to put a smile on my face for my husband, telling him that we will live each day with gratitude and joy, that we will savor our time, that maybe he'll be the one who beats the odds and proves the doctors wrong.
What I know for sure is that in this time of devastating crisis, I need to be healthier and stronger than ever. I need to feel good in my body at all times. I need to simplify my life and eliminate negative distractors. I need to focus on having the best time with my family I possibly can.