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Writing This Day Off the Books

Saturday, December 08, 2012


The blog post that follows is really sad.

Today was yucky. It started off well enough. Saw one of my favorite customers and then headed out to pick up my friend to go to the funeral of one of my favorite church ladies who always sits right behind us in church. When I got there to pick up my friend, she had the days mixed up and couldn't go. So, I headed out to the funeral home by myself.

Here's where it gets bad.................. I got there an hour early and NO ONE was there except the funeral director who could not have cared less that I was there. And then I see it. The open casket in the viewing room. I was really scared. So I went to the bathroom. When I came out, I gave myself a pep talk and reminded myself how nice it was to say goodbye to my Grandma. So I walked into the room and approached the casket. I was about a foot from her. I was frozen. I was horrified and for some reason, I could not tear my eyes away from her. I was searching desperately for something, anything that looked like her. I finally locked eyes on her wedding ring and was able to rip myself from the trance. I backed away and then had to fight to keep myself from running screaming from the place.

I got out to the car and just sat there. I turned the key and the next thing I remember was walking into my friend's workplace and knocking on the door. She was at the desk and she layed eyes on me and was on her feet immediately. She threw her arms around me and I broke down. All I kept saying was, " It wasn't her. It wasn't her."

She got me calmed down and got me where I could speak without hitching. (sometimes it really helps to have a best friend who is 17 years older)

I can't explain what happened. My grandma looked like she was sleeping. Berniece looked dead. Plain and simple. I am traumatized. I have prayed for God to remove the image from my mind and, thankfully with praise to God, I am unable to recall anything except her wedding ring. That and the lingering emotions tied up with the whole experience.

Whose idea was it for people to look at dead bodies????? I don't understand and I will NEVER NEVER do it again. I get the whole bit about saying goodbye but no more for me. I would rather remember her when she was alive and smiling at me from her seat in the sanctuary. Her warm hugs and the smell of her soft perfume. How we prayed for each other after the sermons a lot of the time. I will stand on the truth that she is alive and well with Jesus.

I am a forty year old woman who was reduced to a child today. Can someone please help me find the life lesson in this mess?????
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Perhaps you could remember some of your friend's favorite music, Bible verses, etc. and memorize them, play them, write them down to put them into your own mind and spirit as a way to honor her and remember her as your friend.

    I also vote for the wake, or at least the memorial service route, as opposed to the funeral, as a way to pay respect and support the living. These affairs really are for the living anyhow, not the dead.

    Maybe go on a good run and watch a good movie to refresh the images in your mind?

    Blessings on this Sunday.
    1924 days ago
    I really wish I could say something comforting, but I have been traumatized in a different way. I grew up around almost entirely old(ish) people, in their 40's, 50's, 60's, etc, because my parents had me late in life. I have been to too many funerals to count, and I don't cry at them anymore. I wish I could/would. My mom has specified that she wants to be cremated when she dies, and have all the guests come to a wake. A rousing, cheerful event where we remember the good things. I wish more people would do that. Death is a part of life. Nothing to fear, nothing to regret, nothing to mourn for the rest of the living's lives. I hope you can come to terms with it sooner rather than later. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1925 days ago
    emoticon I'm so sorry the visit to the funeral home was so bad. Sometimes, what the person went through in death, makes them look so much worse than anyone can fix. My adopted daughter's brother died and that happened to him. She only recognized him because they put a piece of jewelry on him that she'd given him the day before he died. She really only recognized the piece of jewelry.

    You paid your respects. You did what you set out to do. Now, take care of you. And honestly, it's OK not to go to the funeral home. If there is family that you want to support, you can go by the house. You don't have to go where the body is. Keep the memories of the person when they were alive. That's the sweetest part of being a friend.

    Take good care of you. You need that now. You deserve that. You'll be OK. You can come through this. You really can.
    1925 days ago
  • KONRAD695
    I hope you were able to sleep a little last night. Wish I could be with you right now. I've got big hugs and a teddy bear for you. emoticon
    Sometimes death has a way of turning us into children that have a hard time with our own emotions, glad you had a friend to talk to. Everyone will say- hang in there, it will get better. This is true, just let your friends help you out. If you need anything let me know, I'll try and help you out. emoticon
    1925 days ago
    My heart goes out to you.I never want my last memory of someone to be how they looked in their casket so very rarely go to funerals. emoticon emoticon
    1925 days ago
  • FIT12BEE
    emoticon Because of your love for this woman, you were there to pay your respects. Good or bad - funerals bring up many deep emotions for all of us. Find serenity in knowing, she felt loved because of your presence. emoticon
    1925 days ago
  • ZRIE014
    i kind of know how you feel. wish you the best. emoticon
    1925 days ago
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