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I need to remember that its not a competition!

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Friday, December 07, 2012

Today is day 282 of my on track streak!

You know, I feel like an athlete now! I do my best to eat right every day. I have eliminated processed foods from my diet as much as possible, and I never starve myself....and I never binge. I think of food as fuel now, not as something to comfort myself with. I workout every day, and I push myself as hard as I can.

When I go to the grocery store, I park at the furthest end of the parking lot as I can, just so I will get extra steps. When I shop, I read the labels...not just the calories and serving sizes, but also the sugars, sodium, protein, etc. The majority of my time in the grocery store is spent in the produce section...no labels there, lol.

At home when I workout, I try to always give it 100%, and I don't quit when I get sweaty, tired, or when the workout is really challenging me. (This is a far cry from the way I used to workout! In the past, I would just do a half hearted, easy workout, and never break a sweat or even start to breathe a little harder!)

I've become so much stronger and healthier, but I know I still have such a long way to go. I FEEL like an athlete, but I know I sure don't LOOK like one. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and just see a fat chick. Do they judge me? Do they think I am lazy, or that I eat junk food all day? The old me WAS lazy, and I DID eat junk food all day. But not anymore! I'm so different, but it doesn't really show.

People who know me (like my Spark friends) know how hard I've worked, and they've seen my progress in my pictures. But strangers don't know how far I've come. They can only judge me on what they see. And although I've worked really hard and come a long way since I've started my streak, the truth is that I am still overweight. Although I've lost 71 lbs so far, I still have a big belly and big arms. I have muscles, but they are still covered in the fat layers that I'm working so hard to melt off.

Today when I went to the grocery store, I stopped first at Dash In (convenience store) to get gas. As I was going in to pay, there was a group of about 6 or so people standing out front with their bicycles, drinking water. They were wearing those skin tight bike shorts and shirts and those special shoes, and helmets. They looked so darn healthy and in shape and athletic! I was intimidated to walk past them. Although they didn't say anything, I felt like they were looking at me and judging me. Maybe they were...or maybe it was just my own insecurity messing with my head. But I felt like saying "I'm not really what you see! I'm an athlete too!"

Sometimes I feel intimidated and insecure even here on Sparks. I blog and talk about how hard I workout, and then someone will leave a nice comment on my blog...and when I go to look at their page to thank them for the comment, I see they are thin, with a low body fat, and that they run marathons or something like that! It makes me feel like "oh, I'm not as good as she is! She probably thinks I'm just a silly old fat lady and that my workouts are just a warm up for someone like her!"

I need to remember that this is not a competition, and I'm not doing this to impress anyone but MYSELF. I am working out and eating right in order to be healthy, and to save my life. NOT because I need to be like anyone else. I just want to be the best that *I* can be. I may not look like an athlete now, and maybe I never will. But I am going to keep working hard, and make every day as healthy as I can. I may never be able to ride my bike for miles, or to run in a marathon...but I can be the best version of me!

I wish you all a great day! Keep working, keep pushing yourself, and do everything you can in order to be the best version of YOU that you can be! You are worth the effort!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Great blog
    1927 days ago
    The way you're going, Dear Pixie, you WILL turn out to be the best version of you that you can get! Oh ya, I believe that from the bottom of my heart!!
    1927 days ago
    This is an awesome blog, Pixie. I can relate to it and I'm sure a lot of other people can relate to it. I remind myself all the time that everyone has a different body type. You're doing awesome!!! I'm so proud of you!!!


    1927 days ago
    Go for STRONG Pixie - both physically and mentally. Remember how many good form planks you can do, and think about how far you have come.

    I think of the words "It’s None of My Business (What You Think about Me)". If I am in my car, this CD track gets played loud. Sometimes thinking positive thoughts and the relaxation skills I have learnt don't work, but this song is a boost.

    emoticon You are an inspiration to me and many others, so please be kind to yourself. You can't control others' thoughts, but you can manage your own. You are at the steering wheel of YOU emoticon
    1927 days ago
    I can SO relate to this! I just want to say that you are doing wonderful, and it definitely doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. People seem to judge anyone nowadays for just about anything, its no fun. I have felt the same way going to the stores, wondering by peoples looks and such if they are thinking I'm just some fat girl or something. I'm glad that you are on the right track, and doing this for YOU, and because you want to be healthier. That's great that you are looking at food now as fuel and not the comforter. What the random people on the streets also don't know is how much you are an inspiration to all of us on that are on this journey here on spark. Keep going!!!! I have to agree with Christina too, you are beautiful in your pictures, and that people who are working on taking care of themselves do radiate that special glow. *hugs* Glad to have you as a spark friend!
    1927 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/7/2012 6:35:56 PM
    Great insight!
    1927 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    Great blog!! Thanks.
    1927 days ago
  • 123ELAINE456
    This is a Beautiful Blog Pixie. Hold Your Head High when You are Out and About. You are just as good as anyone else. No You are not a Fat Ugly Old Lady either. Get that out of Your Head and all the other thoughts like that. That is not Productive at all. We need to Think Positive Thoughts. I know it is not easy to do. I have a lot of problems in this area to. But we have to fight again'st it and fill our minds with Positive Things and Thoughts. We Can Do It. Let's All Try To. You are doing Great. Keep It Up. We are here for You. God Bless You and Have a Wonderful Day. Take Care. Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    1927 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/7/2012 6:13:16 PM
    Thanks for this, as I too have to remember that and give myself permission to be a beginner... I feel as if I should be able to ... do whatever. Anyway I am going to let myself learn and then try harder than I may have before.
    1927 days ago
    PIXIE, everyone has some type of feeling insecurity about themselves. I can relate to you how you feel when time like this. But I don't think peoples are judging us, like we think they maybe. Even so I can not change their mind about what they are thinking about. I used be so worry about what other peoples think about me. But since I realized that I can not do nothing about what they are thinking about. So I stopped worry about it. If I feels the cold eyes on me, Instead of getting insecurity or get upset, I feel so sorry for them. They must not be happy inside themselves, so they has to judging me in order to feel good about themselves. Also they really don't know who I am and what I do. So that is not their business to think or look down on me. That is not a good cause, and universe will take care of that.

    Everybody is boned with different size and type of body. Some people are smaller then me. Yet still has same concern of their weight gain and health goals just like me.. So I just respect that matter. I have learned size does not matter, what you do and don't will be a matter. People will respect you, your hard work and what you do. (^!^))
    smmaler and looks greater then me. that does not mean they are happier then me.

    emoticon emoticon
    1927 days ago
    You made me have a big smile today, when I read your blog.

    You are doing so well, you have gained so much knowledge
    You need to pull those shoulders back and Believe you are special, your journey is your journey, you share it with all of us and we love you for doing this. I for one keep trying to do my best because of you.

    Love and respect
    1927 days ago
    1927 days ago
    What makes you an even stronger athlete is that you were/are your own trainer compared to those we see on Biggest Loser who have someone keeping an eye on them daily. emoticon
    1927 days ago
    Dear Pixie, I don't know if you are right. Because my idea is that a person who eats clean and who uses their body and does yoga, often DOES have a certain radiance about them. So, I don't think people who really look at you would see 'a fat chick'.
    I am betting that your eyes shine and that your skin is clearer than the skin of someone else your age and size who is not taking the road you are taking.
    True spirit shows. Of course, some people in this society will only focus on size. Never mind that.
    Also, maybe those fit athletes with their tight suits? You say 'I am an athlete but I don't look like one'. Maybe they think 'I may look like one but I'm not truly an athlete!'. :)
    Thanks for a great blog entry.

    1927 days ago
    Pixie, You have definitely turned into an athlete. You know, we tend to see ourselves differently than others do. I am sure that people look at you and see an athletic woman. emoticon
    1927 days ago
    You're definitely an athlete, both in body and soul!
    1927 days ago
    Another great blog, Pixie!!
    1927 days ago
  • STODD251
    This is so true... I am so impressed by those who have taken control of their lives and done something to change their lifestyle. I was just reading a sentiment on someone else's blog which said, "Those who are naturally thin are lucky; but those who work to get there are strong." You are definitely strong. You have to be strong to keep up this healthy living for life.
    1927 days ago
    Remember what you just said? That everyone starts somewhere? We all started somewhen too... and not all at the same time! Some of us were lucky and had a minimal amount to lose, but we all started out trying to make ourselves better. We (or at least none of my sparfriends!) haven't forgotten where we came from.

    Everyone judges everyone else, we can't help it. It's human nature: goes back to analysing threats to us in our surroundings! But whereas in public where all you see is a snapshot of a person, on Spark we all know that it's a process, and there's nothing more inspiring than seeing someone WORKING to change their bodies and their lives. Nothing.
    1927 days ago
    I have to struggle to keep that in mind too. Especially here on Spark People where several of my friends are Much further along than me. I See my 185lbs next to their 145lbs and feel like a poser.
    I need to remember this is about my health.
    I am compeating with myself if anything. Trying to workout stronger than I did last week, and be healthier than I was last month, look better than I did last year (and I do)

    Not how do I compare with this other person. What do people think of me.
    1927 days ago
    Pixie, I almost think *I* could have written your blog! And you know what? Maybe folks do judge us, or maybe... just maybe... they don't. They might be so wrapped up in their own lives and problems they aren't really thinking about us. ..and the worst judgement we get is between our own two ears.

    I think you are doing INCREDIBLE!
    1927 days ago
    You do not become more worthy because you lose weight. You lose weight because you know you are worthy of the effort and energy. You're doing a great job and are way more active than the average person out there. You are too an athelete!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1927 days ago
    Wow. Just wow. What an amazing post. You have said exactly what I feel a lot of the times, especially when those cute little ones come into the gym. But regardless of what they look like - I know where I have come from and I am darn proud. Rock it girl. You are awesome.
    1927 days ago
    Wonderful blog, Pixie. I relate to that thought of feeling intimidated. And I have to remind myself that not everyone is working on equal ground. Some of us have illnesses that don't show out in the open, some of us are dealing with depression, or other life threatening problems. We can only do what we are capable of and then know that we are doing our best.
    1927 days ago
    I love this blog and I agree 100%. I feel the same way as you about diet/exercise. I will not ever have a taut body. Every pound I lose creates lots more wrinkles but you know what? I feel healthier now than I ever have in my life and stronger too. So there! We are who we are, right? Keep it going and be proud. You've earned it!!
    1927 days ago
    You inspire me! Thank you, thank you, thank you for being such a wonderful role model! emoticon

    I hope to have your positive attitude and great energy on Day 282. emoticon

    1927 days ago
    Wishing you the best. Your doing great.

    1927 days ago
  • CAROL494
    Great blog! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1927 days ago
    Such a great reminder blog. I voted for it.
    1927 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.