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I need to remember that its not a competition!

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Friday, December 07, 2012

Today is day 282 of my on track streak!

You know, I feel like an athlete now! I do my best to eat right every day. I have eliminated processed foods from my diet as much as possible, and I never starve myself....and I never binge. I think of food as fuel now, not as something to comfort myself with. I workout every day, and I push myself as hard as I can.

When I go to the grocery store, I park at the furthest end of the parking lot as I can, just so I will get extra steps. When I shop, I read the labels...not just the calories and serving sizes, but also the sugars, sodium, protein, etc. The majority of my time in the grocery store is spent in the produce labels there, lol.

At home when I workout, I try to always give it 100%, and I don't quit when I get sweaty, tired, or when the workout is really challenging me. (This is a far cry from the way I used to workout! In the past, I would just do a half hearted, easy workout, and never break a sweat or even start to breathe a little harder!)

I've become so much stronger and healthier, but I know I still have such a long way to go. I FEEL like an athlete, but I know I sure don't LOOK like one. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and just see a fat chick. Do they judge me? Do they think I am lazy, or that I eat junk food all day? The old me WAS lazy, and I DID eat junk food all day. But not anymore! I'm so different, but it doesn't really show.

People who know me (like my Spark friends) know how hard I've worked, and they've seen my progress in my pictures. But strangers don't know how far I've come. They can only judge me on what they see. And although I've worked really hard and come a long way since I've started my streak, the truth is that I am still overweight. Although I've lost 71 lbs so far, I still have a big belly and big arms. I have muscles, but they are still covered in the fat layers that I'm working so hard to melt off.

Today when I went to the grocery store, I stopped first at Dash In (convenience store) to get gas. As I was going in to pay, there was a group of about 6 or so people standing out front with their bicycles, drinking water. They were wearing those skin tight bike shorts and shirts and those special shoes, and helmets. They looked so darn healthy and in shape and athletic! I was intimidated to walk past them. Although they didn't say anything, I felt like they were looking at me and judging me. Maybe they were...or maybe it was just my own insecurity messing with my head. But I felt like saying "I'm not really what you see! I'm an athlete too!"

Sometimes I feel intimidated and insecure even here on Sparks. I blog and talk about how hard I workout, and then someone will leave a nice comment on my blog...and when I go to look at their page to thank them for the comment, I see they are thin, with a low body fat, and that they run marathons or something like that! It makes me feel like "oh, I'm not as good as she is! She probably thinks I'm just a silly old fat lady and that my workouts are just a warm up for someone like her!"

I need to remember that this is not a competition, and I'm not doing this to impress anyone but MYSELF. I am working out and eating right in order to be healthy, and to save my life. NOT because I need to be like anyone else. I just want to be the best that *I* can be. I may not look like an athlete now, and maybe I never will. But I am going to keep working hard, and make every day as healthy as I can. I may never be able to ride my bike for miles, or to run in a marathon...but I can be the best version of me!

I wish you all a great day! Keep working, keep pushing yourself, and do everything you can in order to be the best version of YOU that you can be! You are worth the effort!

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    1295 days ago
    You are so right!

    I am SO behind in reading blogs, but you GO girl!
    1305 days ago
    1314 days ago
    Amazing Blog agin, Pixie. You are truly amazing! I can identify with you SO MUCH!!
    1318 days ago
    Those folks at the gas station have NOTHING on you!! You are doing an amazing job!! And I love the new picture!!
    1319 days ago
  • v LOVEMYBODY2012
    Love your attitude!
    1320 days ago
    This is such a great blog, Pixie! I needed this reminder because just the other day had the same type of 'moment' doing a walk/run while a woman ran down the trail, back up, then turned around and I was still going in the same direction. I was DOING IT though I kept wondering what that woman was thinking about my bright red face and my huffing and puffing after running only about two minutes. Then I had to remind myself that she had no idea where I came from when I started this journey back in January 2009 and could barely do 5 minutes on the lowest setting on the elliptical. I also had to remind MYSELF that maybe she came from where I'm coming from too and for all I knew she could have been saying to herself a little cheer for me to keep pushing and that I'll get to where she is if I keep it up. Keep being the BEST version of yourself! YOU can do anything you put your mind to!!
    1320 days ago
  • v LULU3561
    Great Blog - I have the same battles in my head at the gym and the store although I like that I don't need to shop plus size when I shop in the "normal" size section I feel like everyone is thinking that I am in the wrong section that I need to go back to the "plus size" corner of the store. None of those strangers know my struggle with my journey either. Keep up the great work and I think the emotional part of our journey is the hardest. emoticon
    1320 days ago
    I feel the same way when I'm at the gym. As others are walking or running laps past me, I remind myself that this is my journey and I'm not in competition with them. You have a lovely way with words, and I really enjoyed your blog. Best wishes.
    1321 days ago
  • v GRAMMAP1
    Pixie, what I like about you is your honesty. I have read other blogs of yours, but even more, your comments to other people. Many of us could be guilty of overstating to make some one feel better, but your comments obviously come from the emoticon . Keep up the emoticon job and continue to compete with yourself. You are obviously respected by those who know you. emoticon
    1321 days ago
    I feel the same way. I would get so jealous of other Fit people, who I thought of course never had to struggle to lose weight, they are just born perfect like that. Focusing on our own journey is so much more important than thinking about someone elses! Thanks so much for reminding me to think about my journey! Not someone else's!
    1321 days ago
  • v MELLYBEANS0919
    Such a great message.
    1321 days ago
    Excellent blog Pixie - we all have the same insecurities!!
    1321 days ago
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    1321 days ago
  • v FARIS71
    Yes yes yes!!!
    1321 days ago
    What a beautiful blog you have written here. I "liked" it and hope everyone gets to read this. I could feel you when you walked by the bicyclists, in their trim bodies (and those ridiculously colorful tights, sorry bike riders). I know you wanted acknowledgement that you too are an athlete. Well, here it is.

    You are wonderful and your blogs are so inspiring. Thanks for the nice message this morning.

    Congratulations on all you've done and will do in the future!
    1321 days ago
    I often get beat in races by people who look as though they are 30-40 pounds overweight. I've learned not to judge fitness by weight!
    1321 days ago
  • v DRB13_1
    Totally awe inspired by all you have accomplished!!!!
    Thanks for being the BEST SparkFriend EVER!!!
    1322 days ago
    1322 days ago
  • v KTTAYLOR21
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    That's what you are!!!! Great blog from a great person. I loved it!!

    1322 days ago
    Pixie you work so hard at this everyday!!!! Then you make the time to share these awesome blogs with us. I am so very proud of you and can't believe I get to be so lucky to have you in my Spark circle!!!

    1322 days ago
  • v SHERREE66
    Thanks for the reminder. I struggle with this often.
    1322 days ago
    emoticon You ARE the best you there is. I'm glad we are on this journey together.
    1322 days ago
    Wow. What a great post. I could so relate to what you are saying. Thanks so much for posting this. Keep up the great work. emoticon emoticon
    1322 days ago
    Pixie, I like your blogs, you I could say; I respect you, but your a real genuine article.

    Now I understand what you are saying about thinking twice about those skinny bike people and the ones you" think" might be doing better. Ya, we all have approval addiction sometimes, and make a million assumptions. Oh ya...

    I believe I told you and others my sisters journey on my blog ( she has lost nearly 100 lbs ), ad now she says I am her hugest supporter and fan. Now that means the world to me, truly, and she had t one time felt intimidated, because I was never over 35 lbs.

    So we t can't never really know about these people we notice, where they are opinions are coming from , or we can read minds, or they tell us.

    But I have tried to interrupt peoples behavior and attitudes. Sometimes I think ,I'm an expert, but sometimes I'm outright wrong.

    Even when have a conversation with someone, there could be a particular reason that causes them to react in a clueless manner. Like their mind is somewhere else.

    Who knows if there is a situation going on with them, and this is why someone comes across as having a negative opinion or indifference . emoticon

    I think its helpful for me to pray, when I'm wanting to judge these things, because if I'm correct or not, it helps me deal with it. emoticon

    Now I'm convinced we have a lifetime to figure out this stuff, if we choose to... emoticon

    1322 days ago
    Wow! that was great. Thank you for sharing.
    1322 days ago
    Isn't it terrible when we fall prey to thinking about what others might thing. One thing Spark People has done for me: I've only lost aout 1/4 of what I want to lose, but I'm already 'braving' the outside world in clothes I would never have worn before. So what if I'm still bigger than I should be - I have lost and the clothes I'm wearing are looser. I know that I'm doing something about my health - and I like it.
    You inspire me.
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    1322 days ago
    1322 days ago
  • v 242WILLNOTDO
    "I'm not really what you see! I'm ____________ too!"

    That could be said by those thin biker people as well. That could be the first fitness activity that one of them has done in months. One could be a smoker. One could be hungover because of active alcoholism. One might eat only from fast food places or out of a can when at home. Another might be using steroids or other unhealthy substances for a competitive edge. How many of them were there? You see, you could've been the healthiest person (physically) in the parking lot!

    My mother was tall and naturally thin all of her life. If you just glanced and saw the two of us walking in a parking lot you would pick HER as the healthy one. That is, until you see her smoke a cigarette, eat 5 pieces of fried chicken at KFC, smoke another cigarette, go into the drug store to get her blood pressure meds refilled, smoke another cigarette and struggle to get back into the car. It would then dawn on you just how unfit she was when you saw her take off the wig that was prescribed by her oncologist and put the soft knit cap back on as she grabbed a bag to arf up all the chicken she just ate.

    So, keep on working on your mental and emotional fitness, too - 'cause that could be where those thinnies have us 'beat'...if this were a competition. There are plenty of articles here on Spark to help and the blogging is awesome for that as well! I am finding out that people just don't pay that much attention to other people...especially if they are out with friends, involved in an activity, socializing etc. I will have to tell you my lifeguard story sometime...
    1322 days ago
    1322 days ago
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    1322 days ago
    Excellent blog!! emoticon
    1322 days ago
    This is really a hard lesson to learn, but you can do it! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks! It matters what YOU DO and what YOU THINK! Keep it up!
    1323 days ago
  • v CM_GARDNER78
    Ohhhh...that is so hard!! Sometimes getting out of our own brains is what trips us up the most!! You are doing fantastic - you are an inspiration!!! Keep it up..........and it doesn't matter what it is, people are judgmental in general, so if it wasn't for being overweight, they'd find something else to judge! Hold your head high - you are amazing!!!
    1323 days ago
  • v DIANER2014
    Great blog! emoticon Thanks for sharing!
    1323 days ago
    What great inspiration - and well said!
    1323 days ago
    I honestly love you for who you are. I love your motivation, your thoughts, your brain, your pictures of you, your pink gloves. Those bike people may or may not have judged you, but part of being a true athlete is the mentality that you are who you are and everyone else can do what they want with that. If they see something else, they don't know how to look at people and their heart. PS: cool Santa yogas, see that's who you are, quirky and creative
    1323 days ago
  • v JAMER123
    You are doing great!! Keep it going and if you need to see a non-skinny person, you are welcome to take a peek at my page (hehe)
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    1323 days ago
    1323 days ago
    You are so right! It's hard not to be constantly comparing oneself and mentally competing with others. This is what I tell my son at bowling every week - you are only competing with yourself. You want to beat YOUR average. You do not need to care about the other kid who bowled 150 - you only need to care about beating yourself! I keep hoping that if I drill it into his head enough, it may eventually stick. I may have a harder time with myself.
    1323 days ago
    WOW! emoticon You really inspire me to keep on keeping on. I'm far from perfect, but I'm emoticon emoticon emoticon a far cry from where I was when I started this journey. I've done better and I've done worse than I am doing today, but everyday all I can do is to do the best that I can do for THAT day. Just because someone else is fitter, faster or sparkier doesn't mean that I can throw in the towel because we are all traveling our own paths to find our own best selves. Thanks for reminding me of that!!!
    1323 days ago
    your on a wonderful path.keep up the good work...
    1323 days ago
  • v BRENDA_G50
    Pixie, you're an inspiration to more people than you realize. You have came a long ways on your journey. I admire you and respect you for who you are and the accomplishments you've made. I, myself, have NEVER ran ANY of the races or marathons that a lot of these people on SP have done...probably never will either, but that doesn't make me a bad person.

    Just because I'm overweight doesn't mean I don't care how I look, or that I'm lazy. I don't particularly care what other people think of me, it's what I think of myself that's important. I guess I just got tired of caring what others thought and now I'm happier than I have been in a long time.

    You are a beautiful person inside and out with a beautiful heart to match.

    1323 days ago
    Great blog. Stay encouraged. You will get there, one pound at a time.
    1323 days ago
    Marvelous job, Pixie!
    1323 days ago
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    1323 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon You need to hold your head high. You have done so awesome in your journey. Don't let anyone intimidate you. Only you can keep pushing to the end and a better life. Keep it going. emoticon emoticon
    1323 days ago
    Pixie,you have done a lot for yourself and you should be proud of it.
    1323 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.