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You Should Read This

Friday, December 07, 2012


I can't write it again, but I can tell you that this came from a place of (finally!) forgiveness and appreciation for myself and actual self-respect. I think I'm finally acknowledging the past seven years and giving myself the credit I deserve. And I think this was one of the biggest steps in moving on from the hate and self-loathing of the past year from the various injuries and illnesses and major life slaps I've received.

I feel like a different person today than the one I was yesterday...and I have to say that the last time I felt like this it was 2004 when I changed as a person. 2004 was one of the biggest turning points of my life. I would be a completely different person if not for that day (the date I do not know, but I remember the moment). 2010 changed me again, though not as profoundly.

I still remember that part in Eat, Pray, Love where they talk about how sometimes you have to tear something down completely in order to build it anew. I remember that quote sticking to me, but not really sinking in fully. I knew I needed to hang on to it. I knew I needed to remember that moment (we're talking the part in the movie, sad to say I never read the book).

Here is the quote from the whole (beautifully shot) scene:

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

This year I will be devoting myself to challenging myself yet again, but not just in my physical being, but in my spiritual and mental well-being as well.

Question: Would this be something you at Spark would be interested in? I don't want to bog you down with non-weight loss and fitness related posts. This will be a part of my challenge. I want to get back in the gym. I miss feel strong and proud of my body. But I don't know what that will look like right now. I may be recovering from surgery. I may be doing chair exercises. I know now that I am not able to go out and run a 5k every weekend like I used to (oh, my...I do miss feeling that free, strong, powerful, etc.). What do you think? I haven't shared much lately because there isn't much to share. Each day is a toss-up as to whether I can walk without limping, whether I can even walk at all, etc. It's not a pretty picture and it's been mentally and emotionally demoralizing considering where I was just over 1 year ago...or even just where I was back in September of this year. But if y'all are up to hearing some of the other stuff I may consider frequenting Spark more (honestly, I didn't break because of you, I broke because of the emotional challenge it took to see what I once was and the goals I had and realize every day my inability to reach them right now...if that makes sense).

Leave your 2 cents and I'll let you know where I end up. ;)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I would love to hear more about you. Weight is just one aspect of our lives. There are so many more things to learn about ourselves and our spirituality. Blog about whatever moves you. This is your forum to share insights, opinions, fears, dreams, milestones, information...or even to just plain, brag or even vent! Whatever you want. Let it out! If someone doesn't want to read it, they don't have to. emoticon And if you get an occasional sanctimonious know-it-all commenter, delete the comment! That's what I DO! If only we could do that in person to people we encounter! emoticon Your page is YOUR page to do with as you please for whatever your purpose.

    That said, I think you are awesome and I am glad you are back! -Connie
    1864 days ago
    I have to say that Spark is the PERFECT place for you to share these things because, honestly, the spiritual and mental well-being and gaining strength in those areas is just as, if not MORE, important than the physical aspect of this whole "journey". No matter what it looks like, I'm along for the ride with you!!!

    And I'm super proud of you - you have pushed harder than anyone I have ever seen before...BECAUSE so much of this has been mental for you and you've been pushing through and pushing through. I admire you so much for that, girl!

    1865 days ago
    Where you'll end up? Pfft, more like what amazing journey you will experience!
    1866 days ago
    "You can't get rid of the weight, until you get rid of the brain weight", I paraphrased that quote by a fellow Sparker, Yoovie, and I think I remember reading on a another follow Sparkers blog, Notabouttheface's, that weight loss is 90% mental. I am using these examples because mental well being and weightloss to me are one in the same. I have said it before, and have read it originally, you get get control of your eating until you figure out what is eating you!!!

    So, I more then want to hear from you, because your whole journey is important to me!!!
    1866 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/11/2012 11:33:51 AM
    Hey Beautiful - people check in on your blogs because they enjoy hearing from you. The best bloggers talk about all the things in their life, not just weight loss or fitness. We are whole beings - and that includes the good and the bad. Don't be afraid to come here to share in the community and it may help with some of your journey. Sometimes just knowing other people are there makes all the difference. I have checked your page every day for the past two months just to see when you would be back around. I know you are healing and I completely understand the break, but now, it is time to come back.
    1869 days ago
    Please don't disappear. I have been in the a similar situation this year. This time last year, I was strong, fit, running 10mins straight on the treadmill and flexible, which I'd always been too big to be! I'd never felt stronger in myself, my body, my confidence, who I was, and where I was aiming. Then I pushed too hard, too quick and caused sciatica to my back, leg and lower spine for the first time in my life, and it was excruciating and frightening. It's completely derailed me, and I've had back, hip and spinal pain every day since march without fail. It's only been the last month, particularly this week, where I've started to find my feet again. But next year is my beginning again, to rebuild myself, brick by brick, no matter how small those bricks are.

    Stay with us, share with us your story, because it could not only helps us, but help you too. Plus, it's something you can look back on in a few years and think, wow so that's what I thought and felt.

    Love and hugs from me in the UK.

    Kat x
    1869 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/7/2012 4:05:42 PM
    Exercise is only PART of the equation babe. The food and the spirit are more important in the long run. Stick with it. Never, NEVER, give up. Hugs :)
    1869 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Don't you dare bail out on us just because you're not taking the "traditional fitness path" at the moment! I have so missed your regular posts, and would love to see you continue here...your insights on your journey are interesting, helpful, and inspiring.
    1869 days ago
    Hi Esther,

    I haven't been in touch much, but I have continued to follow your blogs (both places). I always enjoy your blogs, and I think that writing about other areas of your life is a wonderful idea.

    You are so much more than your health journey. If you're comfortable reavealing more of your awesomeness, I'd love to hear it!

    1869 days ago
    Esther: I appreciate your blogs always as I feel we have walked a similar path this year. I would love to continue to hear from you and your wisdom. That being said, I know that my spiritual and mental journey this year has made me realize even more that this journey, this life I want has to be for me and about me. So whether ypu frequent here more often or less should be about what makes ypu happy, what lifts you up, and what helps you make this the life you enjoy living. No matter what ypu decide, know that I will pray for you and hope to hear from you at least some to celebrate your achievememts!
    1869 days ago
    I missed seeing you on sparkpeople and I would be interested in hearing how you are doing in all areas. You are a strong woman. Take care
    1869 days ago
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