I can't write it again, but I can tell you that this came from a place of (finally!) forgiveness and appreciation for myself and actual self-respect. I think I'm finally acknowledging the past seven years and giving myself the credit I deserve. And I think this was one of the biggest steps in moving on from the hate and self-loathing of the past year from the various injuries and illnesses and major life slaps I've received.
I feel like a different person today than the one I was yesterday...and I have to say that the last time I felt like this it was 2004 when I changed as a person. 2004 was one of the biggest turning points of my life. I would be a completely different person if not for that day (the date I do not know, but I remember the moment). 2010 changed me again, though not as profoundly.
I still remember that part in Eat, Pray, Love where they talk about how sometimes you have to tear something down completely in order to build it anew. I remember that quote sticking to me, but not really sinking in fully. I knew I needed to hang on to it. I knew I needed to remember that moment (we're talking the part in the movie, sad to say I never read the book).
Here is the quote from the whole (beautifully shot) scene:
"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."
This year I will be devoting myself to challenging myself yet again, but not just in my physical being, but in my spiritual and mental well-being as well.
Question: Would this be something you at Spark would be interested in? I don't want to bog you down with non-weight loss and fitness related posts. This will be a part of my challenge. I want to get back in the gym. I miss feel strong and proud of my body. But I don't know what that will look like right now. I may be recovering from surgery. I may be doing chair exercises. I know now that I am not able to go out and run a 5k every weekend like I used to (oh, my...I do miss feeling that free, strong, powerful, etc.). What do you think? I haven't shared much lately because there isn't much to share. Each day is a toss-up as to whether I can walk without limping, whether I can even walk at all, etc. It's not a pretty picture and it's been mentally and emotionally demoralizing considering where I was just over 1 year ago...or even just where I was back in September of this year. But if y'all are up to hearing some of the other stuff I may consider frequenting Spark more (honestly, I didn't break because of you, I broke because of the emotional challenge it took to see what I once was and the goals I had and realize every day my inability to reach them right now...if that makes sense).
Leave your 2 cents and I'll let you know where I end up. ;)