Friday, December 07, 2012
At the beginning of 2008, I was so unhappy. I weighed 220 lbs and I hated myself. I didn't like looking in the mirror, or having pictures taken of me. I thought that if only I could lose weight, I would be happy again. After months of thinking about losing weight, I found SparkPeople. By December, I had lost 50 lbs.
Losing weight changed the way that I thought about myself. It made me confident in my ability to change my self, and my life. As a result, I was given a perspective of my life that I had never seen before. Even after losing 50 lbs I was depressed and unhappy with the direction of my life. I thought that my weight was my only problem, but I was wrong. However, now I knew that I had power.
In 2010 I reached a breaking point. I ended my relationship of nearly 11 years and joined AA. I was sick of living with the depression and drug dependence that had invaded my existence. I started on the hardest journey of my life; much harder for me than losing 50 lbs (although I believe that my experience with SparkPeople helped me to lay the ground work for this undertaking). To this point I had been able to maintain my weight loss, but now everything that I knew went out the window. The little stability that I had in my life was gone. I walked away from my fiance, my house, my food scale, and moved into my dad's basement. I started to gain weight back. And although I could see it happening, I didn't have the support, strength, or stability needed to stop it.
Over the next two years, I gained back all 50 of those pounds, plus another forty. It was very different this time though. I didn't hate myself. I didn't dislike my body. I was aware that I was gaining weight and I knew that I would have to change it, but I understood more about why it was happening and what it would take to lose it. I also understood that no longer using drugs and alcohol would change my metabolism and that I had to be patient with my body while it changed.
Most of this year I have been focusing on maintaining my weight. I knew I wasn't ready to put the time and energy in that was needed to lose weight, but I didn't want to keep gaining either. In September I was diagnosed as polycystic and pre-diabetic. I know that losing this weight now will dramatically reduce the risks of these two diseases. I am ready to make new goals and reach them. I am ready to make lasting changes to my lifestyle.
Here I go.