Friday, December 07, 2012
"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true. " - Mr. Spock
For some perverse reason I FEEL BETTER TODAY.
Guilt. I had a semi-binge last night.
I ignore all advice and positive thinking and wallowed in my feeling of self pity.
I watched a period drama, drank wine, ate snacks and huddled under blankets.
The strange thing, is having been naughty, I feel better that itís over. I knew it was coming, did nothing to stop and feel relieved that it is out of my system. I think that I also feel better that it was not as bad as I feared. I did not go tearing through the kitchen eating everything in sight. Instead I made myself a plate of treats, ate that, got a little more, refilled the wine glass, had a little more. At some point I stopped. I didnít eat myself sick. There was a lot of calorie damage but not incalculable. Itís made worse by the fact that my back is still recovering and I canít just go on a burn run tonight.
I am however, feeling well enough to try a mild workout. I just need to remember to listen to my body and if my back starts hurting stop of slow down.
So I do have this Guilt, and yet my attitude is much better today.
Been feeling this week like all I was doing was going through the motions. Several times I almost didnít other coming on SparkPeople.
I feel like a hypocrite when I spend time here, singing the song but not doing the dance (putting no Real effort into real life.)
I need to remind myself that I need to be here. If I let myself stop then I wonít care anymore, I wonít be accountable, and I will go back to where I was before. AGAIN.
Even when I slip I still need to answer for it.
So I am under no delusion that this difficult period if over yet, that I am back on track. However I am doing my best right now to keep the path in sight. If my efforts are not 100%, well, at least they are better than 0%
After a couple of comments,
I feel I need to clarify here.
I feel better in Spite of the Guilt not Because of it.
The guilt is not weighing me down as much as it sometimes does. That I find to be a good thing because it indicates to me that I am forming better emotional habits.
Maybe some of why I feel better is because I am taking away positive lessons from my failures, and my failures are getting less severe than they used to be.
Sorry if my blogging is confusing. Sometimes I am sorting out my thoughts as I type/write and do not always edit for clarity of meaning.