Thursday, December 06, 2012
I am better today; I have experienced and I am still comprehending the skill of deep listening. It has brought about an opportunity for me to seek understanding by thinking beyond the philosophy of my life, but looking for the action, my thoughts and my life with intention of God, my sense of blessings as opposed to curses —essentially listening and really have an in depth study of my mind, body, and soul. The absence of words provided that. As Debbie C would say, that almost inaudible voice of the creator silenced me and I am grateful.
In my earlier career years, I was admonished to listen more; understand that there is no need for me to always have an answer or response and I cannot fix everything. When I entered ministry, and began to work under a ministry cloak, my earlier career advice was no longer confirmed. Instead, I was encouraged to provide some response when in situations of a one on one conversation with statements such as, ‘the Lord will find a way’ and to never leave a person without something that they can hold on too; encourage them to just trust God. Moreover, my main job is to win souls for Christ.
I cannot say that the information was totally wrong. However, I found that upon entering ministry, my initial teaching followed an open but partial communication skill of leaving out some key information and in fact, I too employed that style more often than not. It is not an indictment, but an observation, simply because my initial leader provided information from their perspective and I, in my thinking, that I had entered brand new, never to have broached territory, and believing that the people that I encountered, were somehow different from the folks in the real world. To my detriment, I did that in my personal life as well. Many times in life, we have to question ourselves; at least in my case, there has to be some serious questions asked and answered to get to the body of who I truly am – my authentic self, the one that is stripped bare, the naked, the invisible self. I found that I somehow and sometimes put things away – that is my way of ignoring and therefore doing nothing about it. Through this recent process, I recalled some advice given to me and that was “If you don’t know how to listen, you will miss some of the important feedback, which can give you early clues about things that are about to go wrong in your life.”
I too realized during this time of respite that I had held in so much of myself, that I often misread situations. I had grown a very defensive mantel, because under my surface, I had sealed off my emotions, one of which was anger, although I had not named my emotion, and would have denied that I was. As a result, it was easy for me to be presentably absent in my life. “We wear the mask”….
2012, I began the year with a desire to be healthy – many blogs address that, and I really had the idea, that I would shed all of my excess weight in 365 days. Aw, I only thought weight, when instead it was the whole of me – it was healing within my soul, my mind. It has been an interesting journey and I am grateful for each lesson that I have had the opportunity to experience– when I let someone’s’ comments get to me, it was a learning opportunity for me to gather further information – sometimes I got angry, others hurt, and then others yielded my internal response – “who cares”, but the response was far from positive or life giving, it was during this time, that I had to review those exact situations to discover what it is that I was to learn. This journey yielded an opportunity as well to allow the critic (internal and external) to become my teacher. The teaching moment for me was that this really was not all about me at all. But as part of this SPARK community, I must be cogziant of what my battles are and what they are not, what my boundaries are and where I need to line then up and stay true to the course. Be encouraged and give encouragement and keep it moving. It is very important not to stagnate in an area of our lives and primarily, through those lessons, I began to forgive myself for those things that I had put away – those things about me that I chose not to face – aw freedom !! My previous and current experiences are truly a way for me to attempt to understand all that is involved with healing. Having that revelation allowed me in this short time to hear the voice that I needed to hear and continue to dig deeper for the authenticity that now will allow me to commit to the physical aspect of this journey.
I so needed to complete this phase of my journey. I learned that I had to shed the old wineskin so that I could put the new wine in new wineskins. The unfortunate aspect of this, is that this calling was so abrupt, that I did not have time to say to anyone what was happening. I yielded to the spirit of Truth and allowed me for the first time in years to feel some stuff that I had not wanted to deal with, to see it smack dab in the face and to rejoice through the going through. Today I am better!