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    DETERMINED_ME   51,198
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Day 340 ~ 25 days left to go - A difference


Thursday, December 06, 2012

Some days are easier than others. Yet, even on the most difficult days you still push through, knowing that this too shall pass. Eventually it does and you say to yourself see, it’s done now. Sometimes it last longer than others but it does pass eventually. What you do during those difficult days is up to you. Do you just sit back, whine and complain that nothing is going right? Or do you get up off your duff and do whatever you can do to try to make it less difficult? I think we've all been on both sides of that.

For years I have struggled with my weight because I used the poor pitiful me thoughts and actions for that matter. Oh school isn't going well, let’s eat…My boyfriend is calling boohoo let’s eat. I remember times as a child even in my teen years sitting at the dinner table with my family and eating 2, 3, maybe even 4 helping with my dad sitting next to me “oink oink” he would say or “jeez little piggy don’t you think you’ve had enough.?” Yes these things hurt but I would still eat…In fact sometimes I would eat more just because he said it. I never really thought he was saying it to demean me or anything like that I just figured it was his way to try to get me to stop eating more. Unfortunately it was very demeaning and probably factors into some of my being overweight. I don’t blame him entirely for it, I could have NOT eaten so much, I could have NOT raided the closet of food, I could have NOT eaten that bread with straight sugar on it but I chose to eat all of that. If my parents told me not to, I’d do it even more.

I look back on my teenage years, I weight between 150-176 during jr high and high school. I was always considered to be the fat girl; all my friends were really skinny except a small few. Jr high was a lot different than high school; in Jr high I always felt I was somebody. I was part of a great group of people but they judged me, to my face and behind my back but they were my friends. Sad how my friends judged me so much and looking back, I realize now how much I judged my “friends” too.

Now as an adult, I’ve had more control over my situations. I stayed around 176 for years but I was never truly happy with the way I looked. Did I do anything about it? Nope, not really; I just continued on with life and was miserable. I was so miserable that I stayed in a relationship for 6 years that made me even more miserable. It took my 36 year old uncle dying for me to snap out of it and say enough is enough. I got out of the miserable relationship and decided it was time to work on me.

What did that mean? For me it just meant putting myself fully into my work and figuring out who I was. No longer wondering if I was going to come home to my boyfriend being home or not I was able to focus on work. I started putting on weight, I didn’t have a scale so I couldn’t say how much but I know that I had to go up a size in clothing. That made me mad but not mad enough to do anything about it. I started getting to a point that I realized I had to love me before I could truly be happy. I became proud of myself for making my life what I wanted it to be, even as an overweight me.

While focusing on work I met my now husband, he made me feel like a princess and my weight didn’t matter anymore. Albeit I started gaining weight again because we enjoyed eating together and when we ate together we ate a lot. Moving forward to 2007 when I found SparkPeople, I thought WOW this is it! We’re going to lose weight and be thin. So off we went, eating healthier, faking exercise, and saying we’re doing great. Faking exercise?? We did some exercise but I think (for me anyway) I fudged my numbers so my SP page looked better, of course I would regain the weight I lost. I managed during the few months I was active on SP to get down to like 222 I believe…But I didn’t enjoy eating the foods anymore. I felt deprived and finally just quit.

Every year since I found SparkPeople I have done the same thing. Over and Over again I have started and restarted. I know that many of the times that I have been on here I have fudged my exercise numbers. Fitness has always been my downfall. Okay, so I would take a walk and call it my workout. Knowing full well that this will not do for me what I expect it to do; I would still call it my fitness. Who was I kidding?? Myself to be exact. When I restarted this time I found myself doing the same thing. Calling my short little walks to the bus stop my fitness, well, this time it was a BIT different…I walked faster with purpose not moseying along. But still, it wasn’t enough to really call it my fitness. Throughout all these years I have fudged many of my fitness numbers; that is until November 14th. November 14th is the day my hubby took me to the gym as a guest on his membership through his insurance. He worked me hard and then asked me if I truly felt I could do this regularly. I hymned and hawed until yes came out of my mouth. Since that day I have not fudged my numbers, I have not said Yep I did that exercise when I really had not.

I believe that that day was my turning point. I believe that, because there are days like today where I took a walk and walk / jogged without feeling pain in my legs, without quitting because I was starting to sweat, and without feeling miserable about being outside walking. I believe without a doubt that my husband getting me that gym membership has changed my life forever.

emoticon Thank you Paul! I love you! emoticon

For all my friends here on SparkPeople, if you haven’t already, I truly hope, you find that one thing (or maybe a few things) that keep you on this path to a healthier life; a healthier you!

Remember no matter what anyone else says: YOU ARE WORTH IT! WE ARE WORTH IT!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
DIET_FRIEND 12/7/2012 11:15AM

    Your story sounds very familiar! I fudge my numbers too. Now I don't even bother to post workout numbers every day because I know how much I did or didn't do. It is all the difference to be with the right man in your life.

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A-NEW-TARA 12/6/2012 11:57PM

    Tami, life takes us on many paths and some times the labels we give these paths are not necessarily what they truly are or what we want them to be. We always learn something from traveling down these paths and I believe that there is a time in life when all the paths seem meet and become one grand path. A path we travel down carrying all the lessons we've learned and truly find ourselves and come into our own. What a journey you have begun, the journey of Tami and you are only beginning to see all that can be. With Paul by your side, taking this journey not only individually but also together you will have a magical journey that leads you into a world of all your dreams.
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NOTSOFLUFFYDAD 12/6/2012 4:57PM

    Wow!! What a massive change for you!!! I don't think i have ever seen you open up like this, especially publicly. What does that say? That everything has clicked... the purpose is there.... the drive is there... you had your a-ha moment! You haven't given up on me all the years I have been sick, you kept pushing through. This isn't any different except for the one key factor.... This is about you!! This is about taking YOUR life back!!! This is about YOUR happiness!!! You CAN and WILL make a difference!! Together, there is no mountain we can't move! I am not giving up on you or me ever again! You are my soulmate! YOU COMPLETE ME!! I love you with every fiber of my being!!!
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