Thursday, December 06, 2012
Maybe it's time I stopped casting about and looking afar, and turned my gaze onto the thing I'm avoiding.
Shining a light on rusty tracks. Or in my case, the Obliteration.
The Obliteration refers to the time between jobs that is completely and totally swallowed by my well-carved out rut of avoidance and denial and escapism. It involves large swaths of internet time (Hellooo, FaceBook) tv time, and copious amounts of caloric conversion. To fat, not energy, since all of this is accomplished in the comfort of my well-grooved squishy couch, replete with a modicum of cats. The cats have no bearing on anything save the draw of being firmly ensconced by them.
Sigh. It seems, in my effort to make my life and home comfortable according to my preferences, I have created the ideal lifestyle for sloth and avoidance and...escapism.
We are, absolutely, where we are as a direct result of our own actions. This did not happen by chance, but by choice. I say I want one thing, but almost every action in my life is geared toward the exact opposite thing.
Until now, anyway. And I will tell you, change SUCKS. No big fancy word can convey that better. And I am not one of those people who embraces change and thrives on it. No, I kick and scream and squall, and am MISERABLE to be around. Except I can't leave the room when I'm around that kind of behaviour, as I normally would, because I just bring myself with me. Lol. So I whine and grouse and complain. I am short-tempered and touchy and set off by the littlest thing, as I labouriously move this behemoth coal cart off its well worn track, and attempt to steer it onto a different one. Such a small move too...yet so much struggling accompanying that move. I hope once it gets moving, that maybe it will get easier.
I have soooo much to deal with and go through, in order to get out of here, that the thought of it puts a knot in my stomach. All I can do is try to focus on a little piece at a time to keep the knot at bay.
I call it the Obliteration since it, you know, obliterates everything. Every emotion, every action, every thought. And every single thing I do to move out of that is just so dammed hard right now. That draw of that Void is really, really powerful.
Spirits help me.