For the most part, my journey seems to be going smoothly lately. I have released a little more weight. I haven't been struggling with food or exercise. But I have been feeling just a little resistance... It's not the tug-of-war feeling, where half of me is moving forward, half is pulling back. An even match--leading to expending a heckuva lot of energy just to stay in one place.
Instead, I've been feeling like most of me is moving in the same direction, and there's just a small part holding back. Dragging. Or like rust on rails, adding friction, slowing down movement.
It's funny, I seem to have rails--tracks--on my mind lately. It started when I noticed a SparkFriend repeatedly talking about getting back on track, while being in uncharted waters. I kept thinking how I'm fine with routine--but when a new situation crops up, my initial reaction is still to think of food. Like that's the only "track" I have in some cases, and being "on track" means falling back on those old, rusty rails. I don't alway follow through, mind you, but it's my first reaction.
Today I had the perfect opportunity to listen to the conflict resolution journey again. I know that I have certain themes that come up for me--often having to do with light. Letting my light shine, without burning out. Managing my energy. But sometimes I get really surprising images, that make me either laugh or cry in the middle of this almost hypnotic state. And I know that at the end, I always feel better....
I sat down in The Perfect Chair, feeling my arms, back, neck all perfectly supported. Then started thinking maybe it wasn't the best time after all--it's TTOM, and I had mild cramps. Surely that would drown things out when I was supposed to feel where the strongest sensations were coming from? But when the time came for me to put my right hand where the positive gift was located, it was actually my (growling) stomach. Hmmm. Symbolic location, give or take an inch or two. Third chakra--hara--chi... center. I was aware of movement. Joy. Dancing. As the image moved from it's place up to my shoulder and down my arm, it was almost like a parade of dancers, waving ribbons like you'd see in rhythmic gymnastics. Yellow ribbons. As the image of this gift came to my right palm, I became aware that the word that went with it was "freedom".
On to my left side. The part of me that objects to moving forward. The part of me that has another gift to offer--though I might not recognize it as a gift. My hand was drawn to my lower back. I had an old, creaky feeling. The gift moved slowly and haltingly to its new position--not as if it didn't want to move, but as if it simply couldn't move well. When it arrived in my left palm, the image was... yes, the rusty tracks. The word that went with it? Habit.
Ah, yes. Habit. Something that sometimes serves us so well, and sometimes holds us back....
Even without the integration stage, my mind was jumping ahead with ideas, solutions. But the integration stage is the fun part, seeing what else my subconscious can come up with.
I put my hands together, then opened them to see the new image. It was... The Liberty Bell?!? Hmmm. And to go with it, Leonard Cohen's words...
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
Hmmm. Freedom became liberty. Habit forged itself into tradition. And the light? The light can get in through the cracks. And of course, if it can get in through the cracks... it can get out, too.
Conflict Resolution Journey (Sabotage Self-Sabotage):
Podcast #4 is similar--it helps find the gift in what's holding you back, though it doesn't include the positive gift and the integration. But it's free....